External Link/Members Only" Call me on 07739 650341 or 020 839 08288 to arrange your appointment
Natural Health Clinic, 112 Ewell Road, Surbiton, KT6 6HA
Service available for men and women "
So.... where to start. Another of these Chinese handjob massage parlours passing itself of as a legit health spa.
Here's the pitch - " Have you every had an authentic Chinese massage? Come and experience a new world of wonder and relaxation. We truly pride ourselves on a first class service and have many regular clients who value the professionalism and personality we bring with our Oriental Style Massage.
You may of had a massage, but have you ever experienced a four hands Chinese massage? Your beautiful masseurs work in tandem, confusing your senses as different parts of your are massaged at the same time.
Our return customers agree, the four hand massage is not to be missed. For prices for our Four Hand service please call us on 07739650341 "
Sounds fab, right ?
So, having had a shitty NYE and an even shittier NYD, I'm looking for a quick, cheap punt to lift the spirits. Not many WGs on duty or responding to the phone so I think quick one hour massage somewhere local with HE. What could possibly go wrong ? Found this place on Viva street as my regular massage girl was out of town ( Thai - can't fault the Thais for massage ) and none of the Chinese places I tried before did anything other than try to scalp me. So, I'm booked in for and hour for 45 quid, with the knowledge that a HE will be 20 on top, which is standard.
VENUE Shop on high street with adverts all over the window for acupuncture, treatment for depression ( well that much is true - you'll be depressed as you walk out after the treatment ), insomnia, fertility and 'oriental massage ' right at the centre with a picture of a smiling Asian lady stripped to receive a massage ( as if ). Clean enough. Reception desk on the left, sticks in baskets. Tiny rooms leading off a corridor. So an older Chinese lady wanders out on hearing the sticky door open, bells crashing and I smile and state I'm the apointment who booked on the phone an hour ago. She looks at the clock and her almost finished plate and I take the hint that I'm 3 minutes early. She's in her 50s, skinny and tiny and I'm only going through the motions now hoping she's going to call up some dolly bird or at least someone younger.
THE SERVICESo into the room I'm shown, as she turns on the soft music and a heater, dims the lights and instructs 'take your clothes off' , exiting to , presumably, finish her dinner. There's no towel to cover my arse so no pretence it's going to be anything other than a 'sex massage'. The shower contains only men's supermarket gel. To my disappointment the little old lady comes in to do the massage herself. She's small, wiry, flat chested and dressed in leggings and a wooly top. No offer of the advertised shower or drink (even water might have been nice... ) I'm still hoping she's going to start the massage and an actual (younger) masseuse will be introduced at some stage. I can hear movement around the shop. So, do I want it hard or soft. Fuck it. Hard. At least I might as well see if it can be therapeutic if nothing else for the 45 quid I handed over at the door for the hour. In fairness she does work a few knots out around the shoulders and down the spine, one hand wandering down to stroke my arse periodically. I know the drill, having had massages for years all over Asia. Therapeutic strokes become more lingering as they reach the ass cleavage, 'accidentally' running over the ass crack, balls and / or cock head before you turn over and are offered 'extras'. But she never quite makes it to the sensitive bits so, basically, there's a lot of rubbing my legs and buttocks but little else going on.
Then I turn over as requested and, somehow, amazingly, I've got a bit of a semi on. I think I willed it there, determined to make something out of the latest shitty hand New Year has dealt. Do I want happy ending ? Yes. How much am I willing to pay ? 20 quid. Only 20 ? Yes. A little bit of a stand off. Then I say 20 quid is the going rate for a handjob. You not want topless ? FFS.... SHE'S IN HER 50S, FLAT AS A ROAD AND IN NO WAY ATTRACTIVE. So, unable to scam me out of anything bigger than a score she pours some oil on my pubic area and massages round my genitals , missing out on the generic chest / nipple play I was expecting, then oils up the old chap and rubs my balls whilst stroking my shaft. I'm thinking this could be a pleasant tantric style prolonged and skillful treat so he starts rearing up and getting quite hard. Then she goes and ruins it by taking a firm hold and shaking it like a cocktail waiter, but I've driven 25 minutes to get here and I've a hangover to shift, not cum for 2 days and a weekend of frustration after frustration to lose and I will not be beat...... she's shaking it like a fucking maraca and I know the clock is ticking before it goes numb, but I'm managing to keep it hard and on track, focusing on how sleazy it is getting tugged off by a Chinese granny in a ' health shop', going through all my visual wank bank scenarios, ignoring the cunt who has just popped up next door bellowing to his ( presumably younger and more attractive ) masseuse how ' It's nice and warm in here ' ( yes, they do fucking massages, you will be naked , it has to be warm you cunt, now shut it ) and she's banging away on my knob with the oil and the fist - ' oh, sorry love, do you mind if I use your toilet ?' ( shut the fuck up you prick, no need to shout ) and I start feeling up her skinny arse through the leggings to try and distract myself and keep some kind of momentum going as she moves further away in case I finger her crack I guess, tugging harder and I'm getting there through sheer force of will and imagining all the dirty shags I can remember....
Then.....
..as I'm about to miraculously shoot my load.....
... a second or two before I am.....
... she stops. Asks ' are you cumming ? '
No, you retarded cunt. If I was cumming spunk would be flying out of my Japs eye and my cock would be twitching. So, she's just standing there watching as a pathetic excuse for an orgasm almost imperceptibly occurs. What they refer to in porn as a 'ruined orgasm'. Where a bit of jizz seeps slowly from your cock accompanied with no release or pleasure whatsoever. And it's slowly leaking out as she declines to take my shaft and finish me off, instead dabbing at it with paper whilst whispering ' Sorry'. Happy fucking New Year to you too you muppet.
Offers me a shower. Declined. I've got another 20 minutes left. Shower should come at the end. So she mops up the debris of the ruined orgasm ( didn't take long ) , rubs my legs for 5 minutes then pokes her fingers around my skull for another 10. Then indicates it's over and asks 'Good ?'
'Erm, no.'
No attempt to paper towel the oil off me so I ask if I can use the shower as I'm glistening like an excited vulva. She looks at the clock. It's 5 to. Thinks about it then says 'ok' grudgingly.
Now, one would imagine after this debacle there would be too much of an embarrassment to ask for the extra 20. I mean, she did know she'd fucked it up and even said sorry, as cum was still gently seeping from my helmet as she dabbed away. So I'm consoling myself in the shower thinking could have been worse, probably only have to have paid for the massage. Customer satisfaction is important. You don't like you don't pay and all that. I mean, it's not like it cost her anything to attempt ( however badly ) a handjob.... right ?
So, I'm dressing and she comes back in, hovering. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. And I go to walk out. She asks for the money. 'Are you really still trying to charge for that ? You messed it up ? You stopped before I came. You were wiping me with paper as I was coming! ' 'No, I give you handjob' she says, miming an extremely fast and violent handjob, whilst backing against the door to keep it shut and imprison me until I've paid. 'Are you actually going to take money for that? You ruined it. ' ' I asked you if you were cumming. ' ' You did.Then you stopped. After that I came. A little bit. As you were wiping me with paper. Are you really expecting paid for that ? Are you not embarrassed to ask money for that. ' Clearly no sign of her moving from the door. Twenty quid flung on the table. Well, I could hardly manhandle an old granny out of the way, could I ? Or stay there forever.
If you are ever tempted to try this place let this be a warning to you. Oh, and they have cctv and film you as you enter and presumably have a recording. My advice, in general, is these Chinese shops offer poor service, are only about extracting as much cash as possible with offers of b2b massage, HE, topless etc at the point in the massage where you should be relaxed and ready to explode, but are instead diverted to cold headed negotiations over price and pressure to spend extra on services. More fool me as I know what to expect but this has got to be the worst of these Chinese HE massage places by a mile. Do yourself a favour. If you are ever considering this place have a wank instead. Pay yourself a score for the service. It will be better money spent than mine. And Happy New Year.
