There is a saying that with age “bringeth” experience and knowledge, add to this, having used hair removal cream before, and widely considered an expert in my field, what could possibly go wrong.
Enter: Veet Hair removal cream for men.
I could also argue extenuating circumstances, having worked 36 hours without sleep, played on-line poker for another 12 hours solid, it probably wasn’t the best plan to try and use the product before bedtime. I was, however. motivated by a new booking with a new escort in my local town for the next day and wanted to create the right impression for her...well...if you include the impression to be one of a purple and red tadger and 2 plums, combining a John Wayne impression with a cactus stuck firmly where the sun don’t shine, then that would be okay then.
After partaking in a hot bath, I liberally applied the cream on my plums and into the “hard to get at” areas that can often be neglected between my starfish and perineum. I sat on a towel on my settee and listened to my favourite soundtrack of fine young cannibals – Good Thing, followed by Suspicious Minds. This serves to put me into a good mood, but this time I slowly drifted off into a melty melty sleep. Add into the mix the warm glow of the hair cream beginning to take effect..hmmm.
Not exactly sure what woke me at first. The banging of the front door from my next neighbours or the sound of someone screaming in my house. The sort of scream of someone in desperate and uncontrollable tortured pain and helplessness...or the hellfire excruciating burning pain equal to being skinned alive by a rusty metal cheese grater. (although I haven’t tried that one recently)
As I got my bearings, it was then I also realised, with absolute horror, they were my screams that I could hear as I was now experiencing an outer body experience never felt before. As the screams resonated louder and the urgency of the front door being kicked in, I had to act fast.
Fortune favours the brave..So I grabbed the remaining tub of Neapolitan ice cream from the freezer, soft scoop luck would have it, and in a similar fashion, liberally spread it all over the offending regions. In order to ensure proper application, I had to lay on the floor, legs open, knees bent and pack it between the buttocks and nuts area. As the pain subsided, so did the screaming.
As my senses began to return, I was gutted that I had used more of the mint and chocolate third of the ice cream and left most of the strawberry, but that regret was now surpassed by the neighbours now successful attempt to break down my front door to be greeted by me naked on the floor, legs open with brown and green substance smeared over my buttock and nuts region.
So there you have it, wisdom and experience shows, always buy soft scoop ice cream for those important comforting moments at home, and little emergencies.