External Link/Members OnlyExternal Link/Members OnlyExternal Link/Members OnlyExternal Link/Members OnlyExternal Link/Members OnlyAvoid at all costs!
This event took place about a month ago. I guess it was my worst ever punt – although the punt I reviewed yesterday wasn’t far behind.
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What on earth was I thinking?
In the review I posted yesterday I referred to a lack of due diligence before these two punts. But in this case there was, now I come to think of it, plenty of due diligence – and it was simply that I put my hands over my ears so I couldn’t hear the alarm bells ringing.
Haliebunny’s profile has been on some of the lesser sites for several years. She ticks the super-slutty box. And sometimes an old idiot has a craving for “super-slutty”, just as he sometimes has a craving for massive boobs or whatever.
There is, however, no reason why massive boobs may not have a respectable owner and ply their trade in an appealing domestic space. Whereas “super-slutty” carries the risk of an unwelcome hinterland. As applied in this case.
Haliebunny charges £60 for half-an-hour, with an extra £20 for oral being “without”. Since all I wanted was a blow-job, she agreed not to charge the extra for without.
The location was a large block of flats near the entrance to Portsmouth dockyard.
I think Haliebunny has a speech impediment. Either way, I couldn’t make out a word she said when I rang to tell her that I’d arrived in her street (nor during the session, not that we spoke much).
So she came out to meet me. I should have fled there and then.
She bore no resemblance whatsoever to even the less glamorous photos on her most recent profiles, which at least have a certain super-slutty allure. She was not attractive in any way. Terrible teeth, too.
But I went with her to her flat none the less, like a condemned man being led to the gallows by his executioner.
The flat was awful, its awfulness only partially obscured by very subdued lighting. In the dark bedroom the mattress was on the floor, covered by a tartan rug.
If you go “super-slutty”, you at least expect a committed approach to cock-sucking, but Haliebunny was willing to suck only the end. I have occasionally read reports of this practice on UKP, usually relating to Romanians, but I have never myself encountered it before.
Since I wanted to get something faintly interesting out of this dismal situation, I controlled her head, to which she didn’t object. But it was like a driving instructor and her pupil. I, the pupil, was trying to proceed a reasonable distance at a reasonable speed. She, the instructor, kept applying the brakes.
When I asked if she could go a bit deeper, she said it would be an extra £20 for deep throat. But I wasn’t after deep throat – just “normal”.
There was no way her unstimulating technique was going to bring about an ejaculatory event, and I called it a day before the half-hour was up.
A few hours after I got home I discovered some itchy insect bites on my left arm, and in the morning there were others on the right arm and on the side of my face.
I investigated on the internet. The character and configuration of these bites could mean only one thing – bed-bugs.
I gave all my clothes and bedding a hot wash. My body too. And, God be praised, I seemed to have escaped total infestation.
Bed-bug bites are something you truly do not want to experience. I’ve never had them before and I never want to have them again. Ticks, fleas and mosquitoes are beginners in the biting game, total amateurs, compared to "beddies". Beddies are real pros, and they take no prisoners. These bites continued to itch hideously for three weeks, sometimes going dormant before then flaring up again. And the appropriate ointments provided little relief.
Of course there may be no connection between my visit to Haliebunny and the bed-bug bites, but I hadn’t been anywhere else that day, and in any case I don't generally move in bed-bug circles. Either way, I felt it would be irresponsible not to mention the issue here because I wouldn’t want anyone else to run the risk. If UKP takes the view that I am casting illegitimate aspersions, the last few paragraphs of this review will doubtless be removed.
