Nary a good thing to report about this one for me.
(I can’t find a website on Google; if anyone knows it, please feel free to share.)
It’s the one directly next to the station — not the one across from the street.
1. “Thai” spa is ran by a woman at reception whose accent and appearance are not Thai. OK, £60 for 1 hour relaxing, £65 for deep tissue; I nigh-always opt for the latter.
2. Therapist is Romanian. 40s, average appearance, slim. ‘Maybe she had Thai training’, I hoped.
3. Nope, she didn’t. Her style is “if my lazy girlfriend gave me a half-assed massage while playing with her phone intermittently the whole time”.
4. Light pressure with occasional attempts at medium. No deep tissue. No stretching. No stepping on my back. She just started right away with Johnson’s baby oil. Also, she doesn’t know much of anything about the body or anatomy compared to an actually trained massage therapist.
5. Room was boiling hot; she didn’t turn on the fan until about 30min in. She was clearly more concerned about her own physical comfort (as she had been hanging out on her phone
in front of a fan for the afternoon and not working up a sweat) than mine (as I had just walked twenty minutes over from Warren St on the hottest day so far of the year.)
6. Perfunctory efforts at conversation from her: she’d ask a question (where are you from?) I’d answer (somewhere), and she’d invariably say “oh, that’s nice.”. I asked a couple in return to be polite but quickly gave up as she’s no conversationalist.
7. Zero attempts at teasing or enticing me; then approx 40 min. into the massage, she gently tapped my balls (I was still face down) and said “do you want massage here?”. Me: “oh, no, I’m okay, thank you.” Her: “okay”. She continues the massage a bit longer; she’s using one hand and engrossed in her phone, which is obvious even though I’m face down still. Her hand occasionally pauses as she’s unable to multitask and finds whatever newsfeed she’s scrolling through more interesting. Eventually, she accidentally unmutes a video, which blares loud voices for half a second before she clicks off her phone without a word of apology and resumes with two hands.
8. She ends the massage after 45 minutes; no massage whatsoever of the entire front side of my body; no hot towel; no stretching; just a half-assed pat down with the towel that removed about 5% of the baby oil, and then a few half-assed ‘thumps’ up and down my legs and back.
9. She tries again: “do you want massage on the front?” Still not a single attempt at seduction or arousal. Me: “not this time, thank you though.” She says thanks and exits. I’m dressed and back at the front desk at 50 minutes on the dot.
Only remotely saving grace here was that the receptionist was understanding and apologetic when I quietly told her that I was missing fifteen minutes of time. She handed me £10 back after checking her clock to confirm that I was telling the truth, and said I can have an extra 10 minutes next time.
Of course I wouldn’t hold anything personally against this therapist but professionally speaking, she should find another job. I’ve had my fair share of crap massages but this was scraping the bottom — not any one problem being egregious, but the sum in total being a quietly depressing waste of time and money. It was my first time at this establishment and I pray I’m never desperate enough to return, especially given there are 2 other Thai spas nearby.
Oh, and me: showered and clean young adult male of slim build and unassuming demeanor (I personally am not in the habit of asking for extras in massage establishments, but I won’t turn them down if the girl plays her cards right) — so it can’t really be chalked up to me being some kind of distasteful mess.
She wasn’t just overworked and tired from back-to-back bookings either; I was a walk-in and there were no other customers on the premises when I arrived.
Unless you have an incredible Romanian itch to scratch, I recommend making a wide berth from this “Thai” business, and retaining the services of any of the actual Thai spas nearby.
