External Link/Members OnlyVenue: Wood Green
Price: £50 for 15mins
Its time...time for another D.I.T review.
Make yourselves comfortable fellas, recline that armchair, get yourselves a hot/cold drink, maybe even a snack, and gather here to hear a story of quite possibly my most embarrassing punt ever which will probably leave the most hardened punter in hysterics at my expense.
That said, this maybe my last TOFTT, as this is the 5th or 6th one and there's a clear pattern/correlation trending with them everytime i take the plunge.
So the punt in question took place at lunchtime today.
With work sending me to the pit that is Wood Green, my curiousity got the better of me, wondering what exactly has Wood Green got to offer in the way of punting talent?
Variety it turns out. A very small pool of talent, but a variety nonetheless. Romanians, Bulgarians, young and old, the odd English girl and of course the token Chinese/Thai girl in that area.
What caught my interest was a Hungarian MILF by the name of Curvy Diana. Contact was made, and comms were straight forward so i proceeded to type in her address into google maps...6mins away...result!
On arrival to the residential road (probably where Wood Green ends and Palmers Green begins) as i drove past the property to find parking, as not to draw attention to myself, i saw my destination...a front door with all the glass panels smashed in and boarded up with wood. Its Wood Green, what else was i expecting?
"Front door is open. Come up the stairs to the top floor, send me a message when you're outside my door. Please be quiet" read the final message from the WG as i hesitantly entered what looked like a crackhouse. As i made my way up two flights of stairs to the top floor of this victorian property, low and behold, theres a camera outside her door and i didnt need to message her as shes obviously seen me on her camera and opened the door for me.
There, for the first time i laid eyes on her.
Diana, is no Princess.
And if she is, then she might be a Pixar/Dreamworks one...Fiona comes to mind.
With very broad shoulders and a head that resembles a pitbull chewing a wasp i knew at that exact moment, that i had fucked up.
And as for the so called "curves"? Well...not so much curves and more so gravity playing its part towards someone who is, err, plump.
Now, i was always told growing up, "people in glasses houses mustn't throw stones" so i wont carry on about her weight/looks, as what goes around, comes around, as you'll all see later on...
"Come come..please" she waved me in with her broken english. At this point i should've walked, but if you've ever read any of my reviews, you know the little fella has a mind of his own and usually gets what he wants, like a spoilt brat.
Money exchanged, and hands washed, im shown to a small box room within this loft/attic flat which has a single bed fit for purpose. i begin to strip down and make small talk; "How are you, good?", "Yes" she replies staring directly at me and grinning like a Cheshire cat from ear to ear. "Hows your day been" i continue, "busy? Or quiet?" She replies YES empathically to both questions.
Clearly she doesn't understand anything I'm saying, so i continue to undress myself by taking off my t shirt. But then she does something, that in ALL MY YEARS OF PUNTING, no other woman has EVER DONE TO ME...
...she grabs my belly, with both hands, and starts shaking it from side to side vigorously and shouts out "lovely! Very good!" Now listen, I've always naturally been a big guy, but I've carried it well due to my previous job being physically demanding and regular gym rountine...and its only in later life as I've got older, and I've stopped training down the gym I've got a belly to show for my lack of physical activities. But that...that was totally unexpected and left me in utter disbelief.
The bitch in me must've slipped out, as I shrugged it off with an uncomfortable giggle and smile. I mean, how else do you react to that??
If i wasn't feeling conscious about my out of shape dad bod by that point, i certainly was when she decided it was so nice, she had to do it twice!!
But this time, she faceplants my stomach and starts blowing raspberries!!! The same way a mother would do to her young infant to make them laugh.
By this point, i'm ABSOLUTELY FLABB-ERGASTED...quite literally!! I know alot of WG's are "Fat Boy Friendly", but this is just taking the piss, surely!?! In that moment, if i didn't have one shoe on and one shoe off and my trousers and boxers weren't down by my ankles, i would've made some attempt to storm off with whatever bit of dignity i had left.
Feeling discombobulated by what has just happened and with my T-shirt now removed and on a heap on the floor with the rest of my belongings and clothes she signals for me to lie down on the bed. From the side table, she chooses a condom, opens it and applies to one limp dick that doesn't really want to come out to play after BellyGate.
The covered blowjob was harsh and rushed. To be perfectly honest, she had hands the size of a man, and viewing that running up and down my semi erect shaft wasnt doing anything for me, so i closed my eyes and put my head back and thought of happier thoughts and times.
Just as i was getting into things, she stops and mounts me and begins to ride me in cowgirl. To be honest, after BlobbyGate, i just want to drop my load and get the fuck out of there, so even though i was enjoying playing with her nipples and she was very responsive from that, i tell her to lie down in missionary so i can pound her, but clearly this gets lost in translation and she assumes doggy position...even better Princess Fiona, let me hammer away without having to look at you.
Now from behind, she has an absolutely cracking arse, and the view of my cock sliding in and out of her wet pussy and pounding away at her arse cheeks was the highlight of an otherwise dire punt. It didn't take too long and i was over the finish line. I feel like i didn't last too long, so i continued a steady rhythm of sliding in and out a little while after..call it a lap of honour if you will.
The usuals of a wet wipe and a paper towel to clean up and put the used condom in were offered, and i didn't hang around in putting my clothes back on before politely saying thank you and goodbye and making a haste exit.
As mentioned, the (covered) blowjob wasn't spectacular by any means, nor was her riding me in cowgirl, but the saving grace was the finale in doggy which, for me, was a great view.
Some may give a negative for the whole experience, I'm happy to give it a neutral and then swerve dirty Diana in the future, if only to keep my pride and dignity intact.
So, will i be returning?
F*** NO!!
Am i renewing my gym membership after this review?
F*** YES!!
D.I.T.
