External Link/Members OnlyDecided I was worthy of a lunchtime treat in Haverhole, as would be driving by one day just before xmas.
Researched the night before and found two options others have reviewed. The “one near the Bull” - Haverhill Massage - and the “one above Costa” - Angthong Thai Spa.
Called Haverhill Massage first, via hands-free on the M11. Miserable (old) sounding voice answered. Asked about availability for a one hour massage in about an hour. No problem, booking made.
But. It could be that I had disturbed the madam during her fag break, or maybe it was her resting bitch voice; either way I didn’t relish the odds of having the same woman tickle my tackle.
Decided to call Angthong and sound them out. Pleasant, friendly and young sounding voice answered. No problem with the same time slot - was about 45 mins away. Result.
Out of courtesy, called back the miserable madam and rain checked. Felt much better about life and put my foot down.
Arrived in Suffolk’s finest and took a chance parking somewhere close to venue. I wasn’t sure was private or permitted or free. Risk analysis: fuck it.
3 minute walk and was on a high street populated mainly by old folks (older than me anyway) pulling those bags on wheels around. Saw the door from a distance - not very discreet - but figured I wasn’t local and the old folk probably had limited eye-sight. Dived quickly in (door was ajar) and followed signs directing me straight up to reception.
Met by a fitty oriental with big tits, 5ft 6 maybe, tight body, nice face. Maybe mid/late 20’s or early 30’s. :unknown:DocJohnson rating of 8/10 for the package.
Confirmed appointment, 1hr for £40, cash exchanged and told to follow. Got to room it became obvious she was going to be the one who would put her hands on me. Result.
This is where it goes off-piste. Turns out management just bought a cheap sound system and the girl can’t figure out how to set it up to play music from her phone. She looked at me and asked if I could help. Clearly this is what fit birds get away with.
Well, how hard can it be? I agree to take a look and she dives out the room.
FML - A few minutes later and she comes back in but I’m barely getting my bearings with it. I’m on my knees in a dark room, trying to get the cheapest bit of chinese audio equipment I have seen in my life to connect to the girl’s knock-off chinese iPhone. Life choices.
Now, I’m one that hates admitting defeat so I double-down and decided to ignore the half-ass written manual neither of us could follow. 3 more minutes later and mission accomplished - we’re listening to Ariana Grande through some tinny speakers probably barely better than the knock off iPhone’s. Still, she looked very appreciative and I didn’t have to admit defeat!
Asked me to undress and lay front first on massage table (one of those with no hole for your face. She leaves the room and I disrobe fully, lie down and point south in hope and anticipation with towel over. WSWS?
Hotty comes back in and she adjusted the towel in a way that barely covered my Johnson. Applied warm oil and commenced a slightly better than average massage. Not very firm, not very sensual, but soft hands and had clearly had a bit of practise. Disappointingly, barely brushed my balls, only half went over my ass cheeks and no CC swipes. Towel rearranged to sort of protect modesty. WSWS still?
Then I started to feel really chilly and began shivering. Turns out she turned the rad off when I asked if it was on when we got to the room - so instead of taking the towel off me at this point, she ended up putting another one on me!
Rad back on and after 5 minutes was asked to turn over. Towel stayed on and there was a degree of protecting my modesty at the turn as towel lifted up. WS or fucking WS?
5 more minutes of similar massage, during which I think the game’s up and resign myself to a failed mission. But then, out of nowhere really, the towel came off completely and “Want any extra?” was put out there.
I composed myself with “What extras are available?” and a little disappointingly it was only a happy ending. Still, I felt it was only right to accept having had to go through the above so gave the affirmative. i forgot to as how much so girly wisely clarified £20. Aaaand we’re off.
What proceeded next was a perfunctory wank from a hot, clothed, asian chick. She was sat far away so no chance of touching. Now, I think the combination of the cold and the lack of sensuality and general sense of thinking it could all be so much better (I had recently revisited Maria at Me & You, South Woodford - see separate review) meant the poor girl had to earn that £20.
A good 15 mins passed, going by the clock in the room. During the 15 mins I decided to ogle the girl plenty and generally fantasise about fucking her - that, more than any great skill in the hand job, got me off. It was fine though. Clean up by her (no offer of shower - no idea if there is one) during which I asked her name.
Hilariously I think her first response was “My name? I don’t know.”. Followed up possibly with what I think was “In my last place I was Angel” Although it might have been Britney or something else entirely, along with a load more waffle. At that point I basically stopped listening and wanted to leave (sorry!).
Anyway, on my way out via reception I fleetingly spotted an older but good looking woman who gave me a nice smile and wave.
Would I repeat? Believe it or not, it’s a maybe, even though I rate this overall experience as just about positive and a 5/10. Different circumstances and it could easily have been a 7/10 experience. The girl and price being the strong points and maybe a repeat visit would earn better service. Your mileage may hopefully vary first time round!
