External Link/Members OnlyExternal Link/Members OnlySince joining UKP, I have limited myself to only posting TOFTT / previously reviewed but my experience significantly different, reviews
However this post
https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=119814.0inspired me to review as someone with similar limited background/experience in the UK brothel/parlour scene.
Hopefully it may help other noobs and is more about the experience than the 'action' (
her other reviews are more detailed on her skills)
Apologies for length of this review. Hopefully Summary covers the essentialsBackground:-----------
In recent years I have limited myself to UK independents and overseas brothel/parlours.
Being the ultimate LazyFucker the following has severely limited the variety of recent UK punts and consequent reviews :-
(a) I am loath to travel more than 10 miles to get shagged - being in the punting Atacama/Blackhole? of Oxford, reduces availability dramatically.
(b) Prefer the 'homely' environment rather than hotels (where most of the touring trouts go)
(c) Nothing else is guaranteed to give me a half-lazy pre-punt, than @ 10h30 Sunday morning driving past supermarkets, seeing bods being hounded by demanding OH's with screaming kiddies in tow,knowing that in a few minutes, some nubile wench will be frantically paying full attention to my flaccid microdick. Followed by long lunch in some country pub - pure bliss
With the above criteria (and massive work commitments recently) I have been forced to mainly rely on 2 brilliant regulars within 2 miles of my front door.
After getting hugely frustrated, in search of variety, by the well-documented misery of paging through tedious AW profiles, to-and-fro of email/txt/phone waltz...... leaves you just depressed thinking
"life has got that bad, that I now cannot even buy a fuck!".
So the solution was a well respected parlour/WG combo for my Sunday entertainment.
However this too brought up the (self-inflicted) parlour/brothel trepidation....
My most recent experience has been in Spain (Scandolo, Los Lagos etc.) with a huge variety 'on show', no pressure-selling, comfortable bar/lounge, decent rooms... BUT most importantly - NO STIGMA.
Like it or not, in the UK, there is the view that our sport is tawdry/sleazy/sordid/deviant/dirty... and hence I find myself becoming more furtive.
With that in mind, I went off thinking
"I am heading off to some dingy dive, have to slink past a bunch of tired trollops and I will scamper out having endured a visit to a demeaning FuckFactory"
COMMS:Called Wednesday - answered immediately, Charlize available & booked 11AM Sunday (
45min @ £90). txt within minutes with postcode & detailed directions.
Called Sunday 1hr before - confirmed and answered my query of exactly which building/entrance, so I would not blunder around
TOTAL TIME 2 minutes
Venue:Discrete location off high st. in Fenny Stratford. Ample free parking within 50yds of entrance.
Had arrived a few minutes early and the only activity was a couple unloading at building in front - as it turned out, of no concern as all part of the same establishment.
Door answered immediately by cheery, pretty maid and ushered up stairs to top room. Passed landing where I could hear a little chat (I think 3 girls on duty that day).
Room - extremely spacious, very 'homely', huge bed, mobile full-length mirror.....
Charlize:Appeared exactly on the hour,
dressed as per photo (In Jerboa's review) in black lingerie
(being the cynic I am, I hate 'erotowear' as it is just a blatant attempt at camouflage and I could not tell the difference between Prada and Primark, so thankfully discarded in minutes, just leaving the non-slutty killer heels (which were expertly whistled past my nose during the ensuing action)
Age-wise. Other reviews indicate late 40s/early 50s and my uneducated guess the same (older than my daughters, but younger than 80 yr old ex-mother in law)
It would have been rude to get all lumberjack and saw her in half to count the rings, anyway
Looks. Not as pretty as her fellow countryman movie-star, but still very attractive. (I am sure Theron would cost a bit more than £2/min)
Body. Impossible to believe that she was a child bride&mother, because the term FitAsFuck sums it up.
If I was a bit picky, I do prefer a bit more udder, but then the whole 'more than a handful is a waste' applies here. I have large hands.
Personality : Incredibly cheery/chatty/friendly/fun and certainly an excellent example of the good(there are many, bad) traits of a Saffer
Services required:I could not be arsed scouring for the definitions of GFE/PSE/Courtesan crap so have my own...... Fuk&Fun (in no particular order)
If I leave after being royally shagged and laughed uproariously = 2F (Barlaycard Platinum)
If I only have either = 1F (Barclaycard Initial credit-building card - at least it more than a glass half-full)
If I get neither = 0F (Card application denied, with the ensuing disappointment/depression)
OWO is essential, otherwise condom application turns into a squeeze-marshmallow-into-coke-bottle fiasco
CIM is a nice bonus, depending on my mood.
Jump-on-bones/getting-jumped-on in the few kama sutra positions I know
I do NOT do:
SuckFace/SwapSpit (FK/DFK)- last civvy partner insisted on doing it constantly and once again the cynic in me just says 'Timewasting trick to run down the clock & spend less time with your lips around my dick'
DiveAtFive (RO)- Sorry, no 'tasted her sweet pussy juices' here. My taste-buds are that shot, I could not tell the difference between Halfords Axle Grease (pro$$ie-lube) and tuna
About the last thing you will hear me say is 'this is not all about me, I want to pleasure you' as I try and make up for my sexual inadequacies. Fuck that - I am paying to be entertained, go your gums!
Even in my prime I was not interested in getting my £2+/min in frenetic sexual calisthenics....and I am a tad over prime, so conversation skills important.
Normally, I only do 30 min 1st visits no matter how well reviewed, as I have been referred to as 'a bit of an arse' as my sense of humour may whistle over heads,and as a one-popper I am lucky to get it up twice a week, but... as this was Sunday
So in summary, just an extra- extra-vanilla service - revenge for years with ex-wife 'Lie back and dream of England' service for me, please
The Action/Inaction :While handing over the dollahs I explained that I was physically weak (work rigours) and either it would be all over in seconds (as I dribbled down the inside of my leg) or we would just give up after 15 min of effort and just lie back and discuss the meaning of life.
She replied sternly, with a wicked glint in the eye and leery smile "I do not give up" - Excellent start.
She set to work expertly with OWO raising the dead stuff and within a short while there was a tingling in the groin, whilst positioning herself, and encouraging me to make use of my arthritic fingers. No fear of "the customer is not allowed to feel the goods"
One killer heel on my shoulder whilst still sucking.... Continued with great oral skill - deep,slow etc and expertly to the
it-was-all-over-before-it-began moment and back.
On with rubber and on to CG (I did day I was a LazyFucker), no fake moans until the inevitable happened. Just lay there for a few minutes, gentle kissing and none of the normal
'let me leap off and get that nasty little thing out of my precious pussy' stuff
As I am extremely conscious of timekeeping (cannot remember how many times I have walked after getting the "give me 5 minutes Babe" txts, so it would be hypocritical to overstay) I was starting to get up and go when I heard
"Where do you think you are going?" and offered me a massage. Expertly done as she explained the services she offered at Ego Massage (outside) and then general chat at which she asked
"Why is that Independents on AW have such long profiles?" Before I could answer, she told me how if/when she decided to go Indy, it would just be :
2 lines of who I am/what I do, another few of when I work/ How much - sweet words to my ears!
When I finally got outside, after being shepherded downstairs, following her tottering down in her heels, fond farewells etc. I discovered it was well over the hour (dispelled the whole conveyor belt myth).
Lunch in country pub on the meander home just topped-off a great Sunday
Summary:Excellent vanilla (my choice) service from a very fit and skilled MILF/Cougar who is charming, bright and very articulate.
Location is very discreet, comfortable and definitely has no KnockingShop feel to it.
Whilst price is not a concern of mine (within reason) it is worth noting, while I am in my AnythingButBritish mood, the only comparable option is the immense frustration of Hit&Miss EE's
For a no-hassle, brilliant service, I cannot see why I would not return, soon! Definitely a
2F Platinum in my ratings!
