I write this post whilst physically in agony. I leave a negative and if a score below that were possible, i'd offer that.
So, here's a link to the girl.
External Link/Members OnlyTypical Gumtree ad utilising a christian name which is never in sync with the girl working on the day.
Comms: Tel call made. Answered within a few rings by a maid who speaks reasonable enough English though i had to repeat myself a couple of times. Confirmed that both Ellen and Cindy were working. I offered to call back in a few mins whilst i conducted my due diligence here on UKP. Ellen was described by others on here (with reviews going back to 2017 as the girl in the red dress who is in her 30's. So, partial to a good massage and a bit of play with a couple of weeks worth to discharge, I decided to call back.
One call back and it went to the vodafone answering service after the call went unanswered. I am then called back within 30 seconds. The same softly spoken chinese woman. i confirm Ellen and book for the one hour service. A text is sent confirming location in Northfield by the station and the postcode does well in taking me to the location.
Location: An external black door between the 2 entry points of an Irish pub with a busy beer garden at the back. This is helpful as whilst there is standing room at the front, adequate facilities at the rear do well in detracting drinkers from standing outside.
The front porch type door to this place is left unlocked so it is easy to enter that. No markings outside to distinguish this as the seedy chinese one stop wank shop. Once through the doors there is a single wireless door chime that rings through. The girl then comes down from the first floor flat to let you in and you can hear those footsteps as she makes her way down. No camera in the corridor so no discomfort about being recorded by a pimp.
The Girl: Typical, hide behnd the door. Once past the door, a chinese woman with what looked like pretty shiny/greasy hair greets me with a red polkadot style knee length dress that has had a few washes too many. The eyes are neatly made up with a nice clean eye liner and the cheeks raised as she smiles from under the mask and tells me to go upstairs. So far so good right? We're getting there....
As i reach the top, i am asked to wash my hands. I do so as does she. I head into the room (furthest down the left as you go up the stairs. The curtains are closed and a row of fake candles from Wilko adorn the waist high display cabinets either side of the room. Around 5 each end. A large massage table with the gap for the head is sitting bang centre. It is almost set out like a stand for a coffin. The room is not too bright as lights are dimmed but i can see her face as she then enters behind me. Again, so far so good. Masked up and that hair looks greasy but the weight is medium but in proportion. Legs aren't stodgey. A size 12 i'd say. A bit of a tum. This is all so far with her dress on.
Agree B2B and massage plus HE. £45 for the hour with £40 for the B2B. Hand over £90 and she returns with the £5.
The service: Asks me to strip and lie face down with my face in the hole. I do so. I position my nob facing south so she could brush it easily when getting to the thigh. I take my head out to look and she is stood to my side and now fully stripped. As others have commented, a tattoo on the tum which covers stitches (C section i suspect) . Mask remains on. Fair enough, it may come off soon i hope..
As she is by my side, she asks whether i would like the massage firm or soft. I say quite firm and we'll see how it goes. I then start to position myself with my face back in. She mounts the table and positions herself over me with her knees either side of my hip. Suddenly she thrusts one knee on to my upper left chest and then tries to hoist her other knee to the right of my chest. She hasn't balanced herself too well with her hands on the board. I hear a crack. Is it one of those cracks that the guys do when fixing your posture i wonder? My chest tightens. I feel discomfort to my left when she had pressed down. Something doesn't feel right. She now slides down with her knees lower down my body and presses down with her elbows midway up and working up my back. Fuck... This doesn't feel right i think. Never mind, she's just fixing me up i think.
She gets off the table and reaches for some baby oil. A small amount applied to the upper back and what followed was a session of me looking at the floor whilst she marinates me like fucking chicken. Pressing down with her hands on my arms and back.
"Don't worry matey, the CC swipes are yet to come as are the reach unders!" I tell myself in my head. Time moves on.. She rubs her fingers close to my crack and at one point i thought she'd go toward my starfish. Anyway, she then moves toward my feet and strokes up my thigh. I have zero hard on at this stage. This is hardly enjoyable or arousing. So, I take my head out and she offers me a pillow. Ffs, why could'nt she offer this before. I've just been looking at the floor for what felt like an eternity.
I touch a little as she passes round me. Not an ounce of stubble on her legs. Nice and smooth i think. The swipes are coming...
Suddenly, "please turn over". WTF? No swipes, no teases. Now she goes to reach for the oil and touches my cock and starts to rub. As i try to sit up i feel a sharp pain. What was that? Never mind, now getting hard i say "can i massage you?" She agrees. I ask her to lay flat. Face down. i mount up and start kissing her. She moves away as i try to kiss. She moves away again when i kiss her neck. Right, annoyed at the shite thusfar i think fuck it, i'll go do some RO, I hear she is clean. I reach down and kiss her buttock. She giggles. I part the cheeks and kiss the cheek again and i get a whiff of something unpleasant. Yep, she'd not wiped up too well. Anyway, sod this i think.. i asked her then to turn over and as i leaned down on my front i prayed for a fresh vagina. I worked my way down from the belly button. Again, a strange whiff by the stomach but i continue down hopeful of a cleaner landing. I lick the clit and she giggles. I tongue a little more and she thrusts herself back and forth. It was quite obvious that she was faking this. She then begins to pull me back up. i ask for some more time down with the RO that i was getting into and she says "No, not any more, i must save myself. i have a 2 hour booking later and cannot orgasm again like this. I need to save my energy". Annoyed, i respond, hang on, I have also paid for an hour and i haven't had any B2B and she is too keen to finish off. I look at the time and she says '7 mins remaining.'.
Ellen then gets on her knees and begins to give me HR. Placing her hand above her tits to capture whatever drops. 3 min's in and i shoot. Lots of it, she says its too much as she leans in for some tissue and then leaves me for what felt like 2 minutes during which she showered and returned. I take my bits to the shower and have a quick freshen up. I then leave. A guy is outside smoking. I mask up and walk across the road.
As I am walking and the colder late August breeze hits me, i feel a sharp pain to my left. It continues as i walk. i begin to drive home and the pain is still there.
I'll get to the point, I think i have a cracked rib. When she pressed down at the beginning i heard a crack. It didn't feel natural or a knot being taken out. I returned home by 8pm and since then the pain has worsened to the point i have had to call up a few GP friends to get some advice having given a story as to how i came about getting that crack. It is now 23:00 and i am sitting upright as I cannot lie down on the bed. Each time i turn left or right in bed I feel a sharp pain. To top it all off, i am away the family later this week and i am in absolute agony. I feel selfish for having potentially ruined everyones trip.
Now, the reason for the negative review. It is pure and simple. i hope i can send out a deterrant message. These chinese massage shops are filled with women who are totally unqualified and who put their body pressure on their unsuspecting customers. I am in excruciating pain. What she did was dangerous. Applying full body weight to someone's back is dangerous if done by someone untrained. I am probably not the first to end up injured in this manner, though i do hope i am the last from this community who visits and funds these f'ing idiots.
For the last few years i have visited Sala Thai in Hendon. Way more than once. On some occasions, when the woman has pressed down and almost winded me i wondered whether this was all being done properly. Are they trained? Of course it bloody well isn't and none of them have any proper training!
I digress. So, here is why i would go below negative:
Dangerously bad massage that has potentially cracked my rib and leading to months before i properly heal;
Piss poor massage technique with zero real arousal;
No ass or shape to her body when stripped;
Hygiene wise - a smelly crack area is a total off putter;
No B2B - going full strip is hardly B2B. When your head is hidden down a hole, she may as well be dressed like a fucking eskimo! ;
I'm tired and seeing someone else so cannot commit to the service with you -why take my money? ;
The aftermath - I am in fucking agony. My sides have swelled and i am not on painkillers and unable to lie down in bed.
Lastly, I actually paid out £85 to be tortured like this.
It's at moments like this, that i wonder why i bother. Some of these WG's have no regard to the fact that the £85 charged is in fact still alot of money and hard earned. Services like this leave you feeling mugged.
I would very very strongly advise that NOBODY allows any of these chinese women to mount their backs and/or sit across them. It is seriously dangerous. Please don't do it.
