Guilt from cheating on your partner vs being the person someone cheats with

[madmania]

Hey all, sorry if this is too off topic.

Whilst I've never really felt bad about punting during relationships, something new has come up which is causing me a bit of a crisis of conscience

Recently I've started sleeping with a civvie who is married with children. She's fit and kinky and the sex is amazing but I can't help but feeling really guilty and sleazy every time I see her.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't think it's that I'm cheating on my gf with this new woman, but more knowing that she's also cheating on her husband. I feel bad for the guy. Am I just being sexist, i.e. caring more about the feelings of the husband than my own partner?

Anyone who's been in a similar situation, or any armchair psychiatrists, can you try and help explain the way I'm feeling this way all of a sudden?

[nigel4498]

Sorry for your dilemma.
Can't help you out with this one Madmania.
Perhaps a good ball kicking will sort you out. 

[TKovac]

If you let us know her number perhaps we can all have a fuck and see how feel after.  See if we all feel the same etc?

[Moresomes]

Perhaps a good ball kicking will sort you out. 

Sorted.   

[JamesKW]

Its probably a case of you don't know anything about the WG,and even what you do know may not be the truth,you pay for the service like a business transaction so you can emotionally detach yourself.Thats why most of us use WGs if we are in a relationship.In the case of the civvie you know about her private life so you feel a part of it.

[Jumping Jack Flash]

Man up and grow a pair!

There’s a real possibility that a WG that you’ve met had a partner, would you feel the same about him? You’re getting what you want for your own reasons and she is doing exactly the same for her own reasons. It strikes me that you’re getting into EAS territory here fella so be very careful.

I frequently play away with SB and fuck buddies, one of whom is married with kids. I never think of her husband in any other terms of what a twat he must be if he can’t see what he’s got. She’s a sexually frustrated woman who isn’t getting the attention she deserves. She goes like the proverbial train and I enjoy my sessions with her. There’s no danger of EAS - we’ll from my perspective anyway - and I’m just using her for free sex. To me it’s just a free punt.

[HarryZZ]

Having sex with a prossie and walking away when you're done is completely different to forming a relationship with another woman and having sex with her, I'm sure it's far more exciting and rewarding but has far too many pitfalls.

[Fuzzyduck]

Starting to sound all a bit messy.

Are you dealing with your own guilt for "properly" cheating on your GF (not just punting) by projecting it onto the other bloke? Sounds like a cop out. You don't know him. He might be a total wanker who is fucking around himself. He might be a long-time member of UKP who has replied to your post.

There's a car crash up ahead so (a) bin the civvie (b) bin the GF (c) bin them both or (d) make sure you're wearing a seatbelt. But do give yourself a kick in the bollocks first.

That said, are you still punting as well while all this is going on? Hats off if you are.

[Romeo Sensini]

Hey all, sorry if this is too off topic.

Whilst I've never really felt bad about punting during relationships, something new has come up which is causing me a bit of a crisis of conscience

Recently I've started sleeping with a civvie who is married with children. She's fit and kinky and the sex is amazing but I can't help but feeling really guilty and sleazy every time I see her.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't think it's that I'm cheating on my gf with this new woman, but more knowing that she's also cheating on her husband. I feel bad for the guy. Am I just being sexist, i.e. caring more about the feelings of the husband than my own partner?

Anyone who's been in a similar situation, or any armchair psychiatrists, can you try and help explain the way I'm feeling this way all of a sudden?

You need to admit to yourself that you only posted this to show off. Thats £40 please 

[Marmalade]

Hey all, sorry if this is too off topic.

Whilst I've never really felt bad about punting during relationships, something new has come up which is causing me a bit of a crisis of conscience

Recently I've started sleeping with a civvie who is married with children. She's fit and kinky and the sex is amazing but I can't help but feeling really guilty and sleazy every time I see her.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't think it's that I'm cheating on my gf with this new woman, but more knowing that she's also cheating on her husband. I feel bad for the guy. Am I just being sexist, i.e. caring more about the feelings of the husband than my own partner?

Anyone who's been in a similar situation, or any armchair psychiatrists, can you try and help explain the way I'm feeling this way all of a sudden?

Is her husband your mate?

If not, forget him.

a) If their marriage was oh-so-perfect she wouldn’t be shagging you, would she?

b) Some married people have affairs just to get some perspective, then realise that they’re better off with their partner anyway.

Either way, not your worry. You might, however, take care not to be ‘caught’.

 

[Type_O_Negative]

I feel bad for the guy.

He will not feel sory for you when he sends you home with black eyes 

[Ali Katt]

You've 3 options:
1) Stop seeing the fuck buddy
2) Dump your girlfriend
3) Stop being a pussy

[Ali Katt]

Man up and grow a pair!

There’s a real possibility that a WG that you’ve met had a partner, would you feel the same about him? You’re getting what you want for your own reasons and she is doing exactly the same for her own reasons. It strikes me that you’re getting into EAS territory here fella so be very careful.

I frequently play away with SB and fuck buddies, one of whom is married with kids. I never think of her husband in any other terms of what a twat he must be if he can’t see what he’s got. She’s a sexually frustrated woman who isn’t getting the attention she deserves. She goes like the proverbial train and I enjoy my sessions with her. There’s no danger of EAS - we’ll from my perspective anyway - and I’m just using her for free sex. To me it’s just a free punt.

It probably is an attention thing, but whose to say he isn't seeing someone else. Would be ironic if it was someone on here.

[Marmalade]

He will not feel sory for you when he sends you home with black eyes 

I’ve only been caught twice. Neither of the women had workable marriages. The first time, in younger days, the bastard actually had a court order prohibiting him from trying to see her. Bit of a violent cunt apparently. He appeared peering through a gap in the curtains as we were shagging. Fortunately he was well locked out so only went mental in the street. (Preferring non-confrontation, I climbed out the back window).

The other time the door wasn’t locked well enough (woman's oversight) and we were caught in our undies. He was fuming and asked me to leave. I asked the woman if she wanted me to stay or leave as well (I was worried about her). She said no, but phoned me later with a black eye. Their marriage was already fucked up but they managed to part amicably.

Btw any “in love with you” sensation seems always quickly to evaporate when their real life hubby fucks off. Strange psychology but true. Displaced affection I think.

On the few other occasions (not caught out) an affair lasted a short time and seemed instrumental in healing a marriage. Better than a ill-thought divorce when the sex disappeared temporarily. Probably many married punters on here feel the same about their own marriages and their punting.

[rubric]

Anyone who's been in a similar situation, or any armchair psychiatrists, can you try and help explain the way I'm feeling this way all of a sudden?

I think everyone has different situations that trigger the guilt impulse, and different amounts of emotional headroom to deal with such feelings.

Chances are that nothing anyone is going to say here is going to make you feel different, because ultimately it's you feeling it.  Just work out what your own level is - if it gets too much then it gets too much get out of the situation - no big deal, no mad.

[madmania]

Thanks everyone for your responses, they've been helpful albeit not vastly different from what I expected to hear haha. Cheers all

I'll try to respond to you all but apologies if I miss you out.

Sorry for your dilemma.
Can't help you out with this one Madmania.
Perhaps a good ball kicking will sort you out. 

Whilst she had never done ballbusting before she was actually super eager to give it a go and now she's mega into it

She joked that maybe she'd introduce it to her husband when he's pissed her off

Its probably a case of you don't know anything about the WG,and even what you do know may not be the truth,you pay for the service like a business transaction so you can emotionally detach yourself.Thats why most of us use WGs if we are in a relationship.In the case of the civvie you know about her private life so you feel a part of it.

Whilst I have hooked up with other civvies whilst in a relationship it's always been one night stands or drunken fumbles. This is the first reoccuring thing though so perhaps you've found the issue. Thanks man

Man up and grow a pair!

There’s a real possibility that a WG that you’ve met had a partner, would you feel the same about him? You’re getting what you want for your own reasons and she is doing exactly the same for her own reasons. It strikes me that you’re getting into EAS territory here fella so be very careful.

I frequently play away with SB and fuck buddies, one of whom is married with kids. I never think of her husband in any other terms of what a twat he must be if he can’t see what he’s got. She’s a sexually frustrated woman who isn’t getting the attention she deserves. She goes like the proverbial train and I enjoy my sessions with her. There’s no danger of EAS - we’ll from my perspective anyway - and I’m just using her for free sex. To me it’s just a free punt.

I wouldn't care if the WG had a partner, usually because I presume that he has to know and accepts it. Otherwise the knob shouldn't be with a sex worker. I suppose there's a good chance that he wouldn't know though. I guess my logic kind of falls apart there

No danger of EAS though don't worry. She's quite a few years my senior. Yeah, no EAS, it's not my thing

Starting to sound all a bit messy.

Are you dealing with your own guilt for "properly" cheating on your GF (not just punting) by projecting it onto the other bloke? Sounds like a cop out. You don't know him. He might be a total wanker who is fucking around himself. He might be a long-time member of UKP who has replied to your post.

There's a car crash up ahead so (a) bin the civvie (b) bin the GF (c) bin them both or (d) make sure you're wearing a seatbelt. But do give yourself a kick in the bollocks first.

That said, are you still punting as well while all this is going on? Hats off if you are.

I think there might be an element of this as well, maybe I do feel bad about being a cheating scumbag in general? Like, my relationship with my gf is healthy and definitely sexually active. We've not even been going out a year and I've been punting/one night standing since the beginning. Yeah, I'm still punting. What is wrong with me lol

You've 3 options:
1) Stop seeing the fuck buddy
2) Dump your girlfriend
3) Stop being a pussy

Succinct, I like it. Makes it simpler seeing it written like this. Thanks

Is her husband your mate?

If not, forget him.

a) If their marriage was oh-so-perfect she wouldn’t be shagging you, would she?

b) Some married people have affairs just to get some perspective, then realise that they’re better off with their partner anyway.

Either way, not your worry. You might, however, take care not to be ‘caught’.

 

Don't know the husband, never met him. Thanks for phrasing it from her perspective. She's talked about her marriage with me, always in a negative way. Whilst he's never cheated on her (that she knows of anyway) apparently he can a lazy asshole and a drunk. But I'm always hesitant to believe one side of a story. I'm sure she has plenty of flaws herself - fucking me being one no doubt. As you say, got fuck all to do with me though!

And yeah we're taking precautions to be discreet. You never know though. I guess I'd deserve a smack in the chops. Thanks for sharing your "caught" stories as well, appreciated

I think everyone has different situations that trigger the guilt impulse, and different amounts of emotional headroom to deal with such feelings.

Chances are that nothing anyone is going to say here is going to make you feel different, because ultimately it's you feeling it.  Just work out what your own level is - if it gets too much then it gets too much get out of the situation - no big deal, no mad.

Thanks, this helps. I think a long hard think about what I'm wanting out of relationships and life might be in order. It is a mess, basically a house of cards precariously standing in the breeze, and I think it probably isn't a case of if shit hits the fan but when. Maybe I will back out of it all and focus on my girlfriend. I'm definitely feeling like a bit of a general asshole right now. Some introspection is definitely needed, cheers for the advice pal

[Ali Katt]

madmania I think you sound like a good guy, but the question I would ask yourself is why are with your girlfriend and seeing someone else? Don't get me wrong I've had multiple partners, but when I am in a relationship I don't fuck anyone else.

[Marmalade]

why are with your girlfriend and seeing someone else? Don't get me wrong I've had multiple partners, but when I am in a relationship I don't fuck anyone else.

Maybe cos he’s not you? 

[Ali Katt]

Maybe cos he’s not you? 

Sarcasm aside. I think he is in a position many of us would be envious of, but something tells me the relationship with the gf isn't working out.

[madmania]

Sarcasm aside. I think he is in a position many of us would be envious of, but something tells me the relationship with the gf isn't working out.

It's actually going great, funnily enough. I live outside the UK so only see her for a weekend every month or so and when we do meet we have a fantastic time. Whilst she is vanilla and I'm not it's okay because I still very much enjoy simple sex as well as kinky stuff. And we get along great as friends too.

So really, I don't know why I punt or cheat there's nothing missing from my relationship that I'm trying to find elsewhere. There's nothing I can pinpoint as say that's why I do it. I guess I've always punted, outside of relationships and when I'm with someone andI just don't bother changing the habit? It's fun and easy and enjoyable so why not?

It's childish but it's as if you go to the sweet shop and you're only meant to have one thing but there are multiple sweets on offer and you don't want to pick so why not just take them all?

Maybe I am just an asshole at heart who knows.

[Ali Katt]

It's actually going great, funnily enough. I live outside the UK so only see her for a weekend every month or so and when we do meet we have a fantastic time. Whilst she is vanilla and I'm not it's okay because I still very much enjoy simple sex as well as kinky stuff. And we get along great as friends too.

So really, I don't know why I punt or cheat there's nothing missing from my relationship that I'm trying to find elsewhere. There's nothing I can pinpoint as say that's why I do it. I guess I've always punted, outside of relationships and when I'm with someone andI just don't bother changing the habit? It's fun and easy and enjoyable so why not?

It's childish but it's as if you go to the sweet shop and you're only meant to have one thing but there are multiple sweets on offer and you don't want to pick so why not just take them all?

Maybe I am just an asshole at heart who knows.

It's an honest response, I didn't intend it to sound like I was having a pop, I just wanted to understand. I think some people are naturally good at loving multiple people and falling in and out of love fast. Personally, speaking love might not be the right word, but you get what I mean I can be interested in someone I am chasing one day, and forget them the next, a large number of people can't maybe you have the same thing. I should have explained it better if I am in a relationship I always think how would I feel if they cheated on me, TBH if it did happen I would rather she saw a male escort or someone as a one off fuck on Tinder than say an ex-boyfriend, shit gets more complicated as you get older.

[madmania]

It's an honest response, I didn't intend it to sound like I was having a pop, I just wanted to understand. I think some people are naturally good at loving multiple people and falling in and out of love fast. Personally, speaking love might not be the right word, but you get what I mean I can be interested in someone I am chasing one day, and forget them the next, a large number of people can't maybe you have the same thing. I should have explained it better if I am in a relationship I always think how would I feel if they cheated on me, TBH if it did happen I would rather she saw a male escort or someone as a one off fuck on Tinder than say an ex-boyfriend

No problem mate, I didn't think you were having a go

Perhaps I do have commitment issues? I've always believed I could be the guy to detach sex and emotions, both on punting and civvie land. Maybe it's all catching up to me? And yeah, luckily I've never been cheated on, to my knowledge anyway. And you're right punting/one night stand could possibly be explained to the OH as being purely sexual but once you stray into affair territory then it becomes far harder to dismiss.

shit gets more complicated as you get older

You can absolutely say that again. I'm still young, but life was simpler when I was 18 haha

[DOUGLAS56]

Think of it this way. If that was your missus cheating do you think the guy or any other guy would care about you or turn down the chance to fuck if your missus threw the pussy at them. The answer is a big fat NO

Thats just how it goes.

 

[Fuzzyduck]

So really, I don't know why I punt or cheat there's nothing missing from my relationship that I'm trying to find elsewhere. There's nothing I can pinpoint as say that's why I do it. I guess I've always punted, outside of relationships and when I'm with someone andI just don't bother changing the habit? It's fun and easy and enjoyable so why not?

It's childish but it's as if you go to the sweet shop and you're only meant to have one thing but there are multiple sweets on offer and you don't want to pick so why not just take them all?

Maybe I am just an asshole at heart who knows.

Hearing a bit more form you, it really does sound like you're going through an introspection phase. You know when you barrelling along living life to the full and you just stop in the middle of the road and look around thinking "what the fuck?". You may be at a point where you're starting to think about the implications of what you're doing (apparently that's called growing up).

Doing what you're doing and not getting too emotionally attached to anything means you're protecting yourself from the possibility of actually getting hurt yourself. That happened to me when i was pretty young, and I was total asshole for 10 years after that.

Having your cake and eating it
Asshole
Selfish
Horny dog chasing shiny cars
Commitment issues
Self-centred

Any of these sound familiar? I've been called them by various people in my time for doing things similar to yourself. It's just the way you are wired up. You have all this on your plate but you'd still shag the cute girl you see at the bar.

There will be car wrecks along the way, people will get hurt, and you will indeed be caught out as a asshole. Live with it. But then you might meet someone along the way and you think "I don't want to fuck this one up". So you stop being an asshole. Or at least you try.

[DrConners]

Perhaps I do have commitment issues? I've always believed I could be the guy to detach sex and emotions, both on punting and civvie land. Maybe it's all catching up to me? And yeah, luckily I've never been cheated on, to my knowledge anyway. And you're right punting/one night stand could possibly be explained to the OH as being purely sexual but once you stray into affair territory then it becomes far harder to dismiss.

You can absolutely say that again. I'm still young, but life was simpler when I was 18 haha

Late to this one but I'll post anyway - Firstly obviously you do have commitment issues, this is in no way meant as a derogatory comment, we've posted on each others threads before so I'd like to think you know I'm sincere in this observation - & although you seem reluctant to admit it you've probably acutely aware something is off on your moral compass.

Re-reading some of your posts - it's probabaly not & more likely due to the fact that your still young (the Bad Santa comment gave it away lol  ) - and didn't you say it yourself, the metaphor about the sweet shop ?

You've got yourself into this 'adulterous' relationship with a married woman because you could - I guessing she's also 'local' to you - no need for specifics - I've seen both sides to this sort of situation myself & in my experience your 'fling' with this older married woman will not go the distance, feel free to run with it but to be honest sooner or later it will become very complicated because of her marrage & children, what are the long term plans here ? None, you don't have any, sounds like your just opportunistically banging her! Are you going to support her if she wants to get a divorce (not necessarily only financially) ?

The 'affair' will only end in a mess, when this happened to me (& I thought I handled it well) the collateral damage was enormous on both sides - if you not intending on becoming her new bf I'd exit stage left at your earliest opportunity. The fact that you said :

Recently I've started sleeping with a civvie who is married with children. She's fit and kinky and the sex is amazing but I can't help but feeling really guilty and sleazy every time I see her.

Sounds like a no-brainer to me ? That's your moral compass going "Chief! WTF are you doing!!" - The fact that your still punting and have a girlfriend means that both your little & big brains are tripping their titties off on the drug that is sex (especially now you've got your orgasm back).

Your running at 12,000 rpm, I'd simplify your life a little - make it a little less complicated, take the opportunity to put things in perspective.
Your juggling the girlfriend, the married wife, her husband & children in your head - if you think about it too much that's a complicated equation.

If I could go back & try to advise the younger me, the words would still fall on my dumb deaf ears - sex rules the younger mans brain, so don't beat yourself up - but yeah, what a fucking mess you've got yourself into 

Like I said, late to the party but sounds like you had some introspective insights at reply #15 :

Maybe I will back out of it all and focus on my girlfriend. I'm definitely feeling like a bit of a general asshole right now. Some introspection is definitely needed, cheers for the advice pal

Of course we all think we make mistakes in life, I try to think of them as 'questionable choices I can now learn from'

Now pull your shit together & "Get to the chopper!!!" 

[madmania]

Hearing a bit more form you, it really does sound like you're going through an introspection phase. You know when you barrelling along living life to the full and you just stop in the middle of the road and look around thinking "what the fuck?". You may be at a point where you're starting to think about the implications of what you're doing (apparently that's called growing up).

Doing what you're doing and not getting too emotionally attached to anything means you're protecting yourself from the possibility of actually getting hurt yourself. That happened to me when i was pretty young, and I was total asshole for 10 years after that.

Having your cake and eating it
Asshole
Selfish
Horny dog chasing shiny cars
Commitment issues
Self-centred

Any of these sound familiar? I've been called them by various people in my time for doing things similar to yourself. It's just the way you are wired up. You have all this on your plate but you'd still shag the cute girl you see at the bar.

There will be car wrecks along the way, people will get hurt, and you will indeed be caught out as a asshole. Live with it. But then you might meet someone along the way and you think "I don't want to fuck this one up". So you stop being an asshole. Or at least you try.

All of those are sounding very familiar

Ithink you're right, thanks for your thoughtful response!

Late to this one but I'll post anyway - Firstly obviously you do have commitment issues, this is in no way meant as a derogatory comment, we've posted on each others threads before so I'd like to think you know I'm sincere in this observation - & although you seem reluctant to admit it you've probably acutely aware something is off on your moral compass.

Re-reading some of your posts - it's probabaly not & more likely due to the fact that your still young (the Bad Santa comment gave it away lol  ) - and didn't you say it yourself, the metaphor about the sweet shop ?

You've got yourself into this 'adulterous' relationship with a married woman because you could - I guessing she's also 'local' to you - no need for specifics - I've seen both sides to this sort of situation myself & in my experience your 'fling' with this older married woman will not go the distance, feel free to run with it but to be honest sooner or later it will become very complicated because of her marrage & children, what are the long term plans here ? None, you don't have any, sounds like your just opportunistically banging her! Are you going to support her if she wants to get a divorce (not necessarily only financially) ?

The 'affair' will only end in a mess, when this happened to me (& I thought I handled it well) the collateral damage was enormous on both sides - if you not intending on becoming her new bf I'd exit stage left at your earliest opportunity. The fact that you said :
 

Sounds like a no-brainer to me ? That's your moral compass going "Chief! WTF are you doing!!" - The fact that your still punting and have a girlfriend means that both your little & big brains are tripping their titties off on the drug that is sex (especially now you've got your orgasm back).

Your running at 12,000 rpm, I'd simplify your life a little - make it a little less complicated, take the opportunity to put things in perspective.
Your juggling the girlfriend, the married wife, her husband & children in your head - if you think about it too much that's a complicated equation.

If I could go back & try to advise the younger me, the words would still fall on my dumb deaf ears - sex rules the younger mans brain, so don't beat yourself up - but yeah, what a fucking mess you've got yourself into 

Like I said, late to the party but sounds like you had some introspective insights at reply #15 :

Of course we all think we make mistakes in life, I try to think of them as 'questionable choices I can now learn from'

Now pull your shit together & "Get to the chopper!!!" 

You always make me laugh DrC

Cheers for sharing your thoughts and experiences buddy, much appreciated. Given me a lot of think about

[hornypnter]

If you let us know her number perhaps we can all have a fuck and see how feel after.  See if we all feel the same etc?

Excellent suggestion