Author Topic: The joke thread (Read 150124 times)

RandomGuy99 · « **Reply #3450 on:** April 16, 2024, 12:04:12 pm »

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Jonestown · « **Reply #3451 on:** April 17, 2024, 09:11:47 am »

"Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that."

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3452 on:** April 17, 2024, 10:32:34 am »

Lollipop ladies make me cross.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3453 on:** April 17, 2024, 10:37:27 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3454 on:** April 17, 2024, 10:59:52 am »

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catweazle · « **Reply #3455 on:** April 17, 2024, 02:17:32 pm »

Donald Trump dies. In short order, he finds himself face to face with Satan.Satan explains that Hell is, actually, full, so they're operating a "one on, one out" system. He says he'll show Trump three other miscreants, and Trump must pick one to replace, and that person is free to rise up to Heaven.

Satan opens a door. There's Richard Nixon, swimming on a boundless pool. ""Hmm" think Donald "I'm not a good swimmer, i might skip this one"

Satan opens the next door. There's Tony Blair chopping trees down with a tiny axe. As fast as he fells one another fully grown tree pops up. Trump thinks to himself :I've got that weak shoulder. I might swerve this one too".

Satan opens the third door. Theres Bill Clinton shackled naked and spreadeagled to a bed, with Monica Lewinski giving him a blow job

"No question!" Says Trump, "I'll take this one "

"OK," says Satan "Monica- - you're free!"

Waterhouse · « **Reply #3456 on:** April 17, 2024, 02:33:13 pm »

Quote from: catweazle on April 17, 2024, 02:17:32 pm

Donald Trump dies. In short order, he finds himself face to face with Satan.Satan explains that Hell is, actually, full, so they're operating a "one on, one out" system. He says he'll show Trump three other miscreants, and Trump must pick one to replace, and that person is free to rise up to Heaven.

Satan opens a door. There's Richard Nixon, swimming on a boundless pool. ""Hmm" think Donald "I'm not a good swimmer, i might skip this one"

Satan opens the next door. There's Tony Blair chopping trees down with a tiny axe. As fast as he fells one another fully grown tree pops up. Trump thinks to himself :I've got that weak shoulder. I might swerve this one too".

Satan opens the third door. Theres Bill Clinton shackled naked and spreadeagled to a bed, with Monica Lewinski giving him a blow job

"No question!" Says Trump, "I'll take this one "

"OK," says Satan "Monica- - you're free!"

akauya · « **Reply #3457 on:** April 17, 2024, 06:15:19 pm »

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DastardlyDick · « **Reply #3458 on:** April 17, 2024, 06:20:52 pm »

Quote from: WASA38 on April 16, 2024, 09:29:22 am

When I was at school the gynaecologist was a priest at the confessional and the affliction was gonorrhoea

Plus ça change, --

Was yours a Catholic School by any chance?

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3459 on:** April 18, 2024, 09:57:07 am »

Can you use acupuncture to cure pins and needles?

I threw a ball for my dog.
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.

I didn't know that Sylvester Stallone is on his third marriage.
I guess his first one was rocky, and his second was rocky too.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3460 on:** April 19, 2024, 12:07:11 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3461 on:** April 19, 2024, 10:18:02 am »

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Ali Katt · « **Reply #3462 on:** April 19, 2024, 03:04:37 pm »

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RandomGuy99 · « **Reply #3463 on:** April 20, 2024, 11:50:58 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3464 on:** April 20, 2024, 03:41:17 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3465 on:** April 21, 2024, 12:33:53 am »

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Jonestown · « **Reply #3466 on:** April 21, 2024, 07:27:43 pm »

Ron Trubshaw 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #3467 on:** April 21, 2024, 08:40:27 pm »

Have you heard about the new sport called silent tennis ? It's just like normal tennis but without the racket

webpunter · « **Reply #3468 on:** April 21, 2024, 08:57:47 pm »

Quote from: Jonestown on April 21, 2024, 07:27:43 pm

Ron Trubshaw 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

Quality

southcoastpunter · « **Reply #3469 on:** April 22, 2024, 10:48:50 am »

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, 'can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?' And thus began my life of celibacy ...

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3470 on:** April 22, 2024, 03:33:28 pm »

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MissWolf · « **Reply #3471 on:** April 22, 2024, 04:38:15 pm »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on April 22, 2024, 03:33:28 pm

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Now that's funny

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3472 on:** April 22, 2024, 04:57:58 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3473 on:** April 22, 2024, 05:11:53 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3474 on:** April 22, 2024, 05:59:50 pm »

I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"
He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell".

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3475 on:** April 23, 2024, 08:44:35 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3476 on:** April 25, 2024, 09:38:10 pm »

Sounds like a good day out:

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mr.bluesky · « **Reply #3477 on:** April 25, 2024, 09:56:17 pm »

A circus owner walks into a pub and sees a bunch of men huddled around the table. He walks over to them and peers over their shoulder. He sees a duck dancing on the base of an overturned tin. Amazed by what he's seen He asks who owns the duck as he would like to buy him for his circus. A man says "that duck is mine" they soon enter into negotiations and the circus owner agrees to buy him for £2000. He then leaves the pub with the duck tucked under his arm.
The next day the angry circus owner returns to the pub looking for the man who sold him the duck. He confronts him angrily and says when he took him home and set him on the tin the duck didn't dance or even move and demanded his money back. The man says to him " did you remember to light the candle under the tin ? "

Ali Katt · « **Reply #3478 on:** April 26, 2024, 09:52:52 am »

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Ali Katt · « **Reply #3479 on:** April 26, 2024, 09:53:21 am »

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mh · « **Reply #3480 on:** April 26, 2024, 10:52:45 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on April 25, 2024, 09:38:10 pm

Sounds like a good day out:

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Worst photoshop I've seen away from Adultwork.

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #3481 on:** April 26, 2024, 08:02:15 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3482 on:** April 27, 2024, 07:41:32 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3483 on:** April 28, 2024, 12:32:26 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3484 on:** April 28, 2024, 06:26:50 pm »

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webpunter · « **Reply #3485 on:** April 28, 2024, 07:14:08 pm »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on April 28, 2024, 06:26:50 pm

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Quality

Bonker · « **Reply #3486 on:** **Yesterday** at 12:03:38 am »

Can whoever keeps posting "You are ignoring this user. Show me the post." please stop doing it.

It's really annoying.

catweazle · « **Reply #3487 on:** **Yesterday** at 10:16:19 am »

Man: I'm going to need some time away from the office Boss.

Boss: oh, whys that ?

Man: my wife died suddenly last night

Boss: oh my god, of course, take all the time you need!

Man: with time off for good behaviour, I could be back in 8 years or so.........

mh · « **Reply #3488 on:** **Yesterday** at 11:08:10 am »

Quote from: Bonker on Yesterday at 12:03:38 am

Can whoever keeps posting "You are ignoring this user. Show me the post." please stop doing it.

It's really annoying.

Oh, I find those posts really useful.

mh · « **Reply #3489 on:** **Yesterday** at 11:10:41 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on April 28, 2024, 06:26:50 pm

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I'm sure she's already in the threads for 'shouldn't fancy but do', 'wish they were an escort', etc. I bet she knows her way round a cock and would be up for a MMF or FFM.

StingRay · « **Reply #3490 on:** **Yesterday** at 04:20:49 pm »

Quote from: mh on Yesterday at 11:10:41 am

I'm sure she's already in the threads for 'shouldn't fancy but do', 'wish they were an escort', etc. I bet she knows her way round a cock and would be up for a MMF or FFM.

Certainly seems to know her way round a prick!