Caught short on a punt

[DaveR]

Anyone else been caught short when on a punt?
Let me retell an embarrassing tale....and for disclaimer, I am usually well prepared, just drink water in the build up to a punt, no heavy food and am scrupulously clean as the SP obviously appreciates it
Ok, well a couple of years ago I went to an outcall at a hotel in Worcestershire, standard chain etc. Lady I'd eyed for a while and was looking forward to meeting.
In the car on the way there felt a few funny rumblings in the belly, didn't think much of it.
When I got there I wasn't quite myself but carried on in full punt mode, texted for room and so on and got there at the appointed time.
She was fit, big boobs as I like and I was beginning to get excited. Went for a shower as usual and thought I'd have a quick piss (all the water). Usually do it in the shower while soaping the spuds with Lynx Africa but decided to go to the bog. This is where the problem started......
Felt a bit of 'movement' in my gut and for someone reason I just emptied my bowels. Very liquid. Can only think it was a chilli I had a few days before but fuck me, it came out like a jet and it stank. I felt more was coming so began coughing as it splatted the porcelain to cover the noise and flushed the handle too in the hope the evidence and smell would be washed away pronto. By now she thought something was amiss and said 'you ok in there?' and just as a wet fart squitted out I meakly replied 'yes'.....
After using half a Brazillian rain forest to wipe my arse and throwing Listerine down the bog to cover the smell before flushing I got in the shower and the Lynx stung my ring piece to hell.
Came out the bathroom hoping she wouldn't go in and walked like John Wayne to the bed. Being a gentleman I made sure my arse was not positioned near her face for long (had a BJ but stuffed a pillow under my ball bag). Sure she thought I was a weirdo and I made sure my bum cheeks were clenched throughout.
This kind of thing has never happened to me before or again but I was so embarrassed wasn't sure how to handle it.
Is it what you eat, nerves or a bit of both when you feel like this before a punt? to this day I've not done it before and I am hoping it won't happen again

[LLPunting]

Nothing worse than the need for an urgent shit eating into your paid for time.  Literally crapping your money away.
Yes it's happened to me, along with the accompanying dread that the stench would lead to my abrupt ejection without ejaculation and a total loss of money.
First instance happened at a TOFTT who turned out to be shit so at least I got some relief for my money.
Second time was at a reputed lady's whom I'd seen before so the fulfilment was well worth the embarrassment, although we never got on familiar enough terms that I could leave the door open and read the paper or have her come in to do her make-up.

[Moby Dick]

Shit Happens.

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=249015.msg2544521#msg2544521

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=291883.msg3043470#msg3043470

[Patmustard]

Had a similar situation where I was caught short just before a punt. Thankfully I was in a coffee shop as I arrived in the area a bit early. Felt the dreaded gurgling and proceeded to put their toilet into therapy. Recovered quickly after that and had a great time at the meet. I’ve never been as glad to have planned ahead. 

[Horizontal pleasures]

Happened to me once long ago although not quite as bad as OP. Tha lady was very understanding and as she had no appointment waiting so she let me rest for a while and then off we went.

She called me WINNIE THE POO!

[LLPunting]

Happened to me once long ago although not quite as bad as OP. Tha lady was very understanding and as she had no appointment waiting so she let me rest for a while and then off we went.

She called me WINNIE THE POO!

Rare to find such a quality lady working now, and give you a pet name without charging extra.  Lucky bastard!
Never reckoned you for a plushie, what did she dress up in?

[Adoniron]

I'm always careful what I have to eat or drink before a planned punt. I would never have a curry or a load of beer the night before for example. Of course its not so easy with a spontaneous punt but I wouldn't have one if I was feeling a bit rough.

[Malvolio]

Was waiting in a Shepherd Market walk-up with the maid when the pressing urge for a dump appeared.

That toilet was sub-optimal, and given the dirty look the maid gave me when I told her I had to use it taking a shit doesn't appear to be the done thing a minute before you punt.

[Watts.E.Dunn]

Yep mentioned in the prevoius thread and post had a grim time witn a top notch lady in London, but i'm sure the wg's have had this happen many times, its only nature.

Be intrested if Miss Wolf and Lou are on thread to let us know their experences!

[Watts.E.Dunn]

post cancelled!

[DaveR]

Shit Happens.

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=249015.msg2544521#msg2544521

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=291883.msg3043470#msg3043470

Hadn’t seen this before
Glad I’m not alone 

[Thephoenix]

Unfortunately one of the side effects of 100 my sildenafil for me can be diarrhoea.
Touch wood up to now it only occurs a few hours after taking it, otherwise it could be a bit messy 😲

[Yankee41]

I really expected this thread to be about paying up at the end of a booking and not having enough money.  I was very much wrong.

On a related note my nerves before a meet tend to make me dump my guts before hand so i just make sure i can get to a toilet before my booking.  I always take a shower when i arrive anyway so its not bad.

[69shadesofblue]

Had a similar incident a couple of years ago which slightly spoiled my fun. Arrived in Thailand and got to my hotel which was situated near Nana Plaza. All excited for the evening but as soon as I entered my room, the stomach rumbles started and then it was just non-stop brown rain. My first night in Bangkok was spent on the toilet with only the Warner Bros channel for company.

[professorlove]

Not that I ever punt now... well I still try... but unsuccessfully 

The day before the punt I always eat foods that I know will clean my bowls out, so by the afternoon the next day I feel light on my feet. Never been a fan of having sex feeling bloated. And by doing so I know I’ll never be caught short - although, I still always need to pee when I get to the lady’s place?!

[lewisjones23]

The McDonalds close to Sandys Prestwich was ideal for a quick pit stop before a punt

[spiralnotebook]

 What’s worst than lying down on the massage table 5 mins in a 90 min and feeling a fart brewing.

[Tongue in Cheeks]

We shouldn’t laugh really but the original post here had me in stitches. Sorry for laughing but it’s the terminology and the vision that made me laugh.

[HoldMichaels]

We shouldn’t laugh really but the original post here had me in stitches. Sorry for laughing but it’s the terminology and the vision that made me laugh.

Agreed! I know i'm only new here, but this is by far my favourite post (yet). 

[Bikerman]

I usually get tbe lose tum due to nerves so  i get lucky and empty out at home ...clean area and throw couple imodium down neck...

[Sheraton]

it can happen to the best of us.  On one occasion, I booked a 9am-ish appointment (of the cuff) and upon arriving at her place by car, I was dying for a number 2 !    I tried to be as quick as possible and clean up etc but felt suitably embarrassed by it.  Fit lass aswell. 

[uncle jessie]

I do recall a punt years ago with Liz at Herne Bay , had just stripped off at the start of the punt and felt that a quick piss might be a good idea . She said I will come with you and hold your cock for you , that caused a bit of a semi which didn't help with what was to come . Anyway I'm stood at the pan cock in her hand and the plumbing must have got stage fright , so I'm trying with all my might to force it out and all the result was a very long, loud fart ( I had a curry and several pints night before ) which was a little of the wet variety of fart , the room immediately smelt like it contained a month old corpse  .
She mad a hasty exit and I cleaned up and carried on with the punt , think as usual she sold me a couple of VHS porn tapes afterwards  .

[myothernameis]

Yes been caught short, not long till I would see the escort, and heading up the street.  I farted a few times, and farted once more, but followed through, I now have a wet feeling in my bum.  Had some paper hankies, found some place discreet, and tried to clean my self quickly, before heading to escorts flat, luckily shared bath to start

[lamboman]

I usually get tbe lose tum due to nerves so  i get lucky and empty out at home ...clean area and throw couple imodium down neck...

This is me exactly,curl one out at home then shovel the immodium down.

[Bikerman]

Many years ago i was shagging girlfriend.. she was on top  in cowgirl and she said..." i need to pee "
I said go on then....oh my god that warm piss flowing over me as she rode me was brilliant...she was rubbing clit and cum screaming loudly...too

[Mutinyonthecounty]

In the mid 1990s I went for a punt on Alfreton Road in Nottingham. It was a complete rip off and the girl didn’t even try to give me any kind of service - I gave her the money and then she came back in the room and told me to get dressed and fuck off, or she was going to fetch her security. I was relatively inexperienced back then.

Whilst she had left the room I had a shit on the dressing table and wiped me arse on the bedding. I remember it really smelling quite bad. I know it’s disgusting but it was a kind of ‘dirty protest’ against how I’d been treated. On the way out, she told me to ‘get your fucking hair sorted you cunt’ (I had short bleached hair at the time).

I just smiled inwardly as I left. I realised then in the car park behind the building that I had to drive under the archway past the door, so I looked sharpish and got in the car, passing the doorway as the girl comes out hurling abuse at me calling me a ‘dirty fucking wanker’. When I was at a safe distance, I wound the window down shouted to her to go get her security to clean up the mess. It was so funny - she was going absolutely into meltdown, running towards the car in her dressing gown. The building is still there now and every time I drive past i have to smile to myself.

[Mr Sinister]

Always unload at home before a punt so never had that issue. But one time with a civvie the first time going to her place, it was the summer and fucking hot in the evening so I got off tube a couple stops early and decided to walk the rest so I wouldn't sweat out on the tube. Half way there I suddenly feel the urge to drop a big one, I'm in a posh leafy part of London so no big shops/shopping centres about so I Google the nearest pub make my way there stopped off at an offy and bought some baby wipes incase the pub had no paper.

Nice trendy pub but worst shitter ever, cramped, small space, stunk of piss, flies on the wall, like fuck it I went for it cleaned out my stomach, baby wiped myself down then went to girls house and fucked, laughing in the back of my head what went on before.

[Gordon Bennett]

Can't say I've ever had the trots but Christ, I can't stop pissing on the day of a punt! I suppose it's nerves? When I'm planning my route to hers and scoping out the locale half my time is taken with noting service stations, rest stops and bogs I can dive in en route.
Not that I'm punting during pandemic, but if I were the closure of eateries/pubs would be a huge spanner in the works in terms of my piss-stops whilst punting.

[Watts.E.Dunn]

Saw a girl recently she was washing herself in the shower squatting down and started to piss!, Christ almightly!, I thought she was conncted to the mains water the height she was achiving!!

Watersports next time:)

OK as you were!....

[webpunter]

B O Llocks
Had i known there was one local could have had a celebratory post sesh quarter cheese meal 

The McDonalds close to Sandys Prestwich was ideal for a quick pit stop before a punt

[luv2kiss54]

Best laugh i have had for ages reading all these stories.   

Im not punting at the moment but if i was the lack of available toilets would be a problem. I always try and arrive early and use a toilet if i can find one close to the escort's address -  a cafe, pub or bookies although a lot of betting shops now dont let you use the toilet or they are always out of order. I think i have only had a dump at one girl's flat -  very akward.

[ne_newcummer]

 
Fantastic, i haven`t stopped laughing reading all of these

[MissWolf]

Yep mentioned in the prevoius thread and post had a grim time witn a top notch lady in London, but i'm sure the wg's have had this happen many times, its only nature.

Be intrested if Miss Wolf and Lou are on thread to let us know their experences!

Thanks for the shout  Watts 

I have to say this thread has made me  and  at the same time, I knew you guys got nervous and excited before a punt but never would have thought it would cause this reaction and I honest can only recall one incidence of walking into my bathroom after a booking and wondering what the fuck died, the gent never returned.

I have had one really bad experience myself, a couple of years ago in mid December

I had a booking scheduled for 6.30pm after work, I hadn't realised there was an evening event in work and was asked to stay on to help with car parking,  I agreed but said I could only stay till 5.45,  that was fine, I'm 5 mins from home and I can shower and dress in about 25 mins so was cutting it fine but thought I'd be ok.

I'm outside directing cars 10 mins before I have to leave when the first shooting pains start in my lower regions, rumblings then begin and I rapidly begin to break out in a sweat, radio call for someone to come and take over and I'm heading for the car, 20 yards and I realised I wasn't going to make it so diverted the ten yards to a disabled loo in an archway under the office building, dashed in fighting clothes to make it, just.

Now this kept up for at least 10 mins, I've stripped down to a strap top and sweating in pain, I'm also now in panic as I'm 35mins from my booking time, so I get up and try and make it to the car, I got less that 5 yards before I turned to dash back into the loo,  I'm now stuck literally shitting brown piss and in agony, no data signal on my phone the only thing I can do is text my son who lives with me (24 at the time, goes out while I work) with ten mins left before the booking time I scrape enough signal to answer his subsequent call and explain my predicament, I had to ask him to answer the door to my client and explain the situation.

I  not sure who was more embarrassed,  my son having to open the door or my client being greeted by a 6foot bearded ginger bloke, bless my client he was really understanding,  I finally managed to get out of the loo an hour after I had rushed in there and with the help of 2 colleagues made it to my car and managed the short drive home, I can only guess at food poisoning or a random bout of an IBS type reaction to something I'd eaten at lunch, it was horrendous and not something I'd ever want to repeat.

On returning home I got onto aw and messaged my client to apologise profusely for what had occurred and offering him a free booking to compensate,  he accepted and has been a regular ever since, thankfully 

[Alanroy]

Whilst she had left the room I had a shit on the dressing table and wiped me arse on the bedding.

This is the bravest and funniest response to a scam I've ever heard of  well done that man. She must have been fucking raging, if that was now for sure you'd get blacklisted on SAAFE  but would be worth it to read what she said about the 'incident'

[tynetunnel]

In the mid 1990s I went for a punt on Alfreton Road in Nottingham. It was a complete rip off and the girl didn’t even try to give me any kind of service - I gave her the money and then she came back in the room and told me to get dressed and fuck off, or she was going to fetch her security. I was relatively inexperienced back then.

Whilst she had left the room I had a shit on the dressing table and wiped me arse on the bedding. I remember it really smelling quite bad. I know it’s disgusting but it was a kind of ‘dirty protest’ against how I’d been treated. On the way out, she told me to ‘get your fucking hair sorted you cunt’ (I had short bleached hair at the time).

I just smiled inwardly as I left. I realised then in the car park behind the building that I had to drive under the archway past the door, so I looked sharpish and got in the car, passing the doorway as the girl comes out hurling abuse at me calling me a ‘dirty fucking wanker’. When I was at a safe distance, I wound the window down shouted to her to go get her security to clean up the mess. It was so funny - she was going absolutely into meltdown, running towards the car in her dressing gown. The building is still there now and every time I drive past i have to smile to myself.

Thank you for telling this wonderful story, it literally had tears of laughter rolling down my face!

[Stevelondon]

It was a long time ago in a basement flat in Earls Court. So long ago cannot remember the lady at all. Other than I asked to use the toilet before the punt and ended up shitting for at least half the punting time. No idea why the sudden need to crap but hey, these things happen.
The girl herself was ok about it and just asked me through the door if I was ok.......... I did feel the need to tell her what was happening just in case she thought I was snorting or shooting up etc 

Been great reading this thread. We are all human after all.

[marc_hotsteppa]

In the mid 1990s I went for a punt on Alfreton Road in Nottingham. It was a complete rip off and the girl didn’t even try to give me any kind of service - I gave her the money and then she came back in the room and told me to get dressed and fuck off, or she was going to fetch her security. I was relatively inexperienced back then.

Whilst she had left the room I had a shit on the dressing table and wiped me arse on the bedding. I remember it really smelling quite bad. I know it’s disgusting but it was a kind of ‘dirty protest’ against how I’d been treated. On the way out, she told me to ‘get your fucking hair sorted you cunt’ (I had short bleached hair at the time).

I just smiled inwardly as I left. I realised then in the car park behind the building that I had to drive under the archway past the door, so I looked sharpish and got in the car, passing the doorway as the girl comes out hurling abuse at me calling me a ‘dirty fucking wanker’. When I was at a safe distance, I wound the window down shouted to her to go get her security to clean up the mess. It was so funny - she was going absolutely into meltdown, running towards the car in her dressing gown. The building is still there now and every time I drive past i have to smile to myself.

You should write a book 

[Bhamguy]

  these reviews are  so funny pmsl ere

[webpunter]

A hard one to follow with MutinyOTC's post

Was in PuertoB, it was getting late in the early hours & The Navy Bar beckoned
The burds were in the last chance saloon as it was kickin out time soon thereafter
Cut a deal with a ruskie fittie
Wind back to earlier in the day:  late lunch [lots of wine] & then a drinks fest [fishbowl g&t's / vodkas red bulls ....]
Turn up @ the Navy with mates
More drinks surveying the scenery
Rumbly tummy - not surprising after the days 'consumption'
Walking out with her the rumbles intensified so i said i needed to go to the loo
She said no problem - to go in her place just round the corner
I said i REALLY need to go to the loo, but she was having none of it
Me thinks she was concerned that i would go back into the Navy & not re-appear
We are talking t minus 5 mins [abs. max] b4 its thunderbirds are go
I'm thinking big apartment, marble bathroom & a window
But no she shows me into a studio flat WTF
I ask where the bathroom is, coz the clock is ticking & getting faster
There is a sliding folding door with the worlds smallest bathroom - think like a large wardrobe
I was gripped with fear about what was building, feeling clammy
The world's smallest weakest extractor fan had no chance of coping
10 mins & 3 flushes later i emerged
The stench must have been permeating the studio through the gaps between the folding door & the floor
She asked me what the fuck i was doing & i reminded her that i did tell her several times that i REALLY needed the loo
She then said i owed her €150
Usually €250 for the hour however i had negotiated the reduced price for a R&T
I was so wasted i knew that the mere sight of a condom & Mr Floppy would have set in
Maybe with a vigorous HJ & i might just get it over the line
My reply was that we hadn't done anything but that i would give her €50
& that i regarded this as worth it [given the monstrous shit{s} i produced]
[these started off like firing small cannon balls & finished with what looked like i drained out an old radiator]
Fortunately she saw the funny side - told me that my time started 15 mins earlier & 45 mins left
After she opened a large window in the studio [TFFT] she even offered me a drink
She suggested a quick fag - ace helps mask any lingering smells
Everything turned out fine.  Got it over the line how i don't know, gave her €20 to say sorry & fucked off back the accomo
Happy PB days

[webpunter]

OP, what a hilarious thread
Your creative & highly amusing writing style is at the skills levels of SirFrank & Biggus Dickus Rides Again
Can't wait to read some more posts
You certainly have the funniest thread & post of the month award, probably the 1st quarter #2021 too
And i ain't shittin you ! 

[Thephoenix]

Just read through again, as I'd missed some of the posts.

I wonder what our Mumsnet audience and SP's think about how we might imagine we're all such studs, but in reality we're pathetic sex starved males, who get so nervous and excited about getting our end away or our willy pulled, that we're nearly pooing our yfronts.

[Watts.E.Dunn]

Just read through again, as I'd missed some of the posts.

I wonder what our Mumsnet audience and SP's think about how we might imagine we're all such studs, but in reality we're pathetic sex starved males, who get so nervous and excited about getting our end away or our willy pulled, that we're nearly pooing our yfronts.

Thats precisley what the Mumsnet audeince do think!

[standardpostage]

Happened to me once. Bit embarrassing for me. Stunk the bathroom out. Internal bathroom (no windows)  with non existing extractor fan.
I had a good shower afterwards, and closed bathroom door behind me when finished. Spoiled the vibe a little bit for me. I knew it would stink when she went in after the punt. It was her proper home as well. Never been back since.
Bathrooms with external windows are better.

[myothernameis]

I see no one has really been caught short, and not even able to make it to the toilet.  Lucky for me it wasn't a punt, as I was on holiday, and caught of guard, very hot weather, and very rich food.  Went out for evening walk, and my tummy began to rumble, knew I had to find a toilet, but being in Italy, public toilets not the best, ie hole in the ground

Slowly walking back to my hotel, and still a 10 min walk, clenching my cheeks, for all I could, but didn't make it.    I shit my pants big time, and was wearing shorts, so once at the hotel, had to sneak in, and headed to my room, and shower

[lewisjones23]

I see no one has really been caught short, and not even able to make it to the toilet.  Lucky for me it wasn't a punt, as I was on holiday, and caught of guard, very hot weather, and very rich food.  Went out for evening walk, and my tummy began to rumble, knew I had to find a toilet, but being in Italy, public toilets not the best, ie hole in the ground

Slowly walking back to my hotel, and still a 10 min walk, clenching my cheeks, for all I could, but didn't make it.    I shit my pants big time, and was wearing shorts, so once at the hotel, had to sneak in, and headed to my room, and shower

id have ducked behind a bin, down an alleyway or at least got in a garden to unleash

[Watts.E.Dunn]

id have ducked behind a bin, down an alleyway or at least got in a garden to unleash

I reckon  theres a book to be writ here .. 'ere long;)...

[Lou2019]

Yep mentioned in the prevoius thread and post had a grim time witn a top notch lady in London, but i'm sure the wg's have had this happen many times, its only nature.

Be intrested if Miss Wolf and Lou are on thread to let us know their experences!

not anything that I’d wish to share, sorry lol

[webpunter]

I like your style
On the surface of things indicating how Mnetters see the world
Taking the piss as to how stupid they are
On the other hand you might have sympathies for them & are a thick fuck when it comes to spellin
I'm veering towards the latter

Thats precisley what the Mumsnet audeince do think!

[The Beano]

Reminds me of a booking with little miss Orla, arranged an early morning meet, like 8am at a London hotel. Water sports were on the menu and I’d downed 1.5 litres of water in preparation about half hour before the agreed time. Got to the hotel and was bursting. Got radio silence and I’m crossing my legs in the hope she’s going to answer......never did and I had to go down some dodgy alley to relieve myself as no where was open!

[Watts.E.Dunn]

I like your style
On the surface of things indicating how Mnetters see the world
Taking the piss as to how stupid they are
On the other hand you might have sympathies for them & are a thick fuck when it comes to spellin
I'm veering towards the latter

Well mumsnetters have an all out hatred to anyman who  sees an escort!

And most all men anyway!