I have had the odd shite punt over the last 27 years, but this one has to go into the annals as the worst ever!
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External Link/Members OnlyExternal Link/Members OnlyI had my eye on Lexilou for a while, but Viva St can be a bit dodgy, however finding her on also AW decided me to pay a visit, so I phoned her and we were arranging a time when we got cut off, but she texted me straight away and we arranged a time. I found, however, that she was no longer in Norton but now in Thornaby. Norton is more convenient to me, but Thornaby is just a quick drive down the A19 so I still went ahead.
We swapped some texts later when I wanted to alter the time a little, gave me the postcode, asked where I was coming from. Halfway down the A19 she texted me to see if I had set off! When I didn’t reply she rang me! I risked a traffic penalty to say I was driving and couldn’t talk but was on my way.
Pulled up in the street and phoned for the house number. She directed me to an apartment block, where you buzz the flat you want to get the door opened, she told me on the phone to come up to the right flat quickly, this was the first indication of her paranoia.
She was waiting with the door open, shushed me even as I said hello and whispered that we had to be very quiet so the neighbours didn’t hear, she is absolutely paranoid about this. She also made me take my shoes off the moment I was inside, you can’t go further than the doormat with shoes on apparently.
First impressions, a bit shorter and stockier than I expected, very dark hair, probably out of a bottle, she describes herself as part Italian and I would say this is probably true, she has a dark Mediterranean skin, and, like a lot of women from that region, the beginnings of quite a decent moustache, but overall not bad, she was wearing the maids outfit that is in a couple of her pics, those mesh knee boots were on the floor too, and she has enough distinctive tats to fill the National Gallery if you skinned her so definitely the same girl and not a B+S.
Paperwork over, she got me to undress and lie on the bed, then she put a towel on the other side and made me lie on that. The usual WG paraphernalia was noticeably absent, all she seemed to have was an almost empty bottle of baby lotion, and with some on her hand she started to wank me like Quasimodo heaving on a bell rope. After a couple of minutes I told her to stop, I wanted a fuck please, so she went to a cupboard and after some searching produced a condom, then got me to stand up while she put it on then indicated that the only position we could use was standing doggy with her kneeling on the edge of the bed. OK, we did this for a while and it wasn’t too bad but at my age knee tremblers aren’t the best way to have sex, so I pulled out and said could we do mish, but no, she insisted on sitting on the bed and trying to wank me as I stood in front of her, still with the condom on, which eventually broke, or to be more exact which she basically ripped to shreds because she has all the touchy feely gentleness of an Irish navvy. She then asked me in an aggrieved tone if I had cum yet. I said no, and asked her to finish me by hand with me lying on the bed, to which she somewhat reluctantly agreed, and started yanking on my cock again so hard that if Charles Laughton had jumped out of the wardrobe shouting “Esmeralda!” I wouldn’t have been surprised. I asked her to slow down, be more gentle and use some lubrication and there might be a chance of success, she managed the first two ( sort of ) but all she had was this pink baby lotion, which is not like baby oil and not any good as lube. Somehow, more by luck than judgement, she made me cum, and like a lot I tend to be a bit noisy when I erupt, but as soon as I started moaning she slapped my leg and shushed me, again paranoid about the neighbours. Halfway through this rather painful wank I asked if we could try fucking again but she said no and whispered something which I didn’t catch all of but I think boiled down to one condom per punter and mine was already in shreds.
After I came, she rushed off into the bathroom and started scrubbing her hands. I followed her because there was nothing in the bedroom, no wipes or tissues, and I had to clean myself up with bog roll. As I said before she was totally lacking in the usual WG equipment and paraphernalia.
All this only took about 20 minutes. I had paid for 30 but quite honestly I just dressed and left, I couldn’t get out quick enough. She was texting on her phone when I arrived and she couldn’t wait to start texting on it again as soon as her hands were dry.
All in all, a totally crap punt with a miserable, disinterested WG.
Pros. Well she is reasonably good looking in a hard sort of way. Comms are good, but probably because she's desperate for custom!
Cons. Disinterested, unconversational, crap fuck, crap hand job, no offer of anything else, expects the whole punt to be conducted in silence, no basic gear, I’d have been better off flushing £60 down the toilet and having a wank.
Would I go back? Not even if she paid me!
