Author Topic: The joke thread (Read 148025 times)

David1970 · « **Reply #1250 on:** September 25, 2022, 10:49:19 am »

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WDFORTE · « **Reply #1251 on:** September 25, 2022, 11:25:27 pm »

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?

Neither did I until I saw his head and shoulders in the glove compartment…

standardpostage · « **Reply #1252 on:** September 26, 2022, 06:48:22 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on September 25, 2022, 10:39:16 am

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I need help

Corus Boy · « **Reply #1253 on:** September 26, 2022, 02:05:33 pm »

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver.

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back in behind me!

He also then tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.)

But the man at the Police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See... now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

timsussex · « **Reply #1254 on:** September 26, 2022, 04:20:55 pm »

Just remember when your job is getting you down, you don't feel valued and everything seems pointless there is a man in Munich working on the BMW assembly line who attaches indicators on every BMW

Marmalade · « **Reply #1255 on:** September 26, 2022, 04:30:31 pm »

Quote from: Corus Boy on September 26, 2022, 02:05:33 pm

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver.

A rather long joke but worth it!

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #1256 on:** September 26, 2022, 07:12:34 pm »

Quote from: timsussex on September 26, 2022, 04:20:55 pm

Just remember when your job is getting you down, you don't feel valued and everything seems pointless there is a man in Munich working on the BMW assembly line who attaches indicators on every BMW

A bit pointless as they are never used.

cunningman · « **Reply #1257 on:** September 26, 2022, 08:46:55 pm »

Quote from: timsussex on September 26, 2022, 04:20:55 pm

Just remember when your job is getting you down, you don't feel valued and everything seems pointless there is a man in Munich working on the BMW assembly line who attaches indicators on every BMW

I think you'll find he moved to Audi.

pbrown355 · « **Reply #1258 on:** September 26, 2022, 09:10:13 pm »

mr.bluesky you may find that was the point.

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #1259 on:** September 26, 2022, 09:11:55 pm »

Quote from: pbrown355 on September 26, 2022, 09:10:13 pm

mr.bluesky you may find that was the point.

should have read it properly.

timsussex · « **Reply #1260 on:** September 26, 2022, 10:50:32 pm »

Quote from: mr.bluesky on September 26, 2022, 07:12:34 pm

A bit pointless as they are never used.

Clearly wasted on you

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1261 on:** September 27, 2022, 12:54:42 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1262 on:** September 27, 2022, 05:56:22 pm »

It was at this moment that I remembered that I only follow one political group

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A Decent Fist · « **Reply #1263 on:** September 27, 2022, 09:49:57 pm »

Two old women are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

First Lady: What's that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

First Lady: Where did you get it?

Second Lady: You can get them at any chemists.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles into the local pharmacy and announces that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

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Woman in a bar suddenly yells: "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises.

She smiles and says: "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm doing a PhD in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."

The guy thinks for a second then yells at the top of his voice: "What do you mean, £200 for a BJ?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

(Quora finally came up with a couple of gags worth repeating.)

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1264 on:** September 28, 2022, 03:14:20 pm »

My mate told me he'd played a policeman in a James Bond film.
I said, "in Spectre?".
He said, "no, just a constable.

Marmalade · « **Reply #1265 on:** September 28, 2022, 03:46:02 pm »

NINE REASONS TO STUDY ECONOMICS
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without ever having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.

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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

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In Canada there is a small radical group that refuses to speak English and no one can understand them. They are called separatists. In this country (U.K.) we have the same kind of group. They are called economists.

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Q. What do economists and computers have in common ??
A. You need to punch information into both of them.

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Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.
The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.
Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.

myothernameis · « **Reply #1266 on:** September 28, 2022, 05:46:25 pm »

National Television Awards 2022, new category: Queue Skipping,

And the award goes to Philp Schofield & Holly Willoughby, for skipping the queue to view the queens coffin

But in real news looks like the producers of the show, will have to provide additional security for Philp & Holly, as they recon they are likely to get booed. Now if this is the case, could see Holly Willoughby, having a break down

Steve2 · « **Reply #1267 on:** September 29, 2022, 04:58:44 am »

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey's. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Pounds?"

Thephoenix · « **Reply #1268 on:** September 29, 2022, 07:34:26 am »

👏👏👏👏

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1269 on:** September 30, 2022, 07:02:09 pm »

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Bonker · « **Reply #1270 on:** September 30, 2022, 11:45:17 pm »

I had an outcall from a Russian girl last week. She came to my house, gave me a dom experience just as I asked, rode me like a horse, finished in her mouth. She spat it into a bin, got dressed and ready to leave. All good and a positive review so far. What followed next turned negative.

She planted a Russian flag in my front garden.

What are you doing, says I.

I beat you, fucked you, laid waste to your children, now I am annexing your land as Russia.

Steve2 · « **Reply #1271 on:** October 01, 2022, 05:28:44 am »

A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said. "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #1272 on:** October 01, 2022, 05:29:33 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on September 30, 2022, 07:02:09 pm

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Probably the same girl from the film "Porkys" who answers the prank phone call at the diner and asks everyone " has anyone seen Mike Hunt"

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #1273 on:** October 01, 2022, 05:37:45 am »

A recent survey of middle East countries say that cartoons are not very popular in this part of the world. The people of Saudi Arabia don't care much for the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do

Thephoenix · « **Reply #1274 on:** October 01, 2022, 06:53:29 am »

Quote from: mr.bluesky on October 01, 2022, 05:37:45 am

A recent survey of middle East countries say that cartoons are not very popular in this part of the world. The people of Saudi Arabia don't care much for the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do

Took me a couple of seconds.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1275 on:** October 05, 2022, 10:19:33 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1276 on:** October 06, 2022, 11:14:09 am »

My aviary roof leaks when it rains. It's getting on my tits.

badsin · « **Reply #1277 on:** October 07, 2022, 04:49:23 pm »

Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock jokes?
He won the no-bell prize.....

Lewis · « **Reply #1278 on:** October 07, 2022, 08:24:51 pm »

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webpunter · « **Reply #1279 on:** October 07, 2022, 11:47:03 pm »

Quality

Quote from: Lewis on October 07, 2022, 08:24:51 pm

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1280 on:** October 10, 2022, 10:09:17 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1281 on:** October 11, 2022, 04:15:30 pm »

Be careful ordering off eBay. I paid £120 for a 55" TV, next day a dwarf in a frock turned up.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1282 on:** October 11, 2022, 06:30:47 pm »

I have been asked to check on an elderly neighbour. Why should I? The lazy cow hasn't taken her milk in for 3 weeks!

WDFORTE · « **Reply #1283 on:** October 11, 2022, 11:07:54 pm »

Bruce Lee’s granddaughter Simone has just started selling mobile phone contracts ….

Bangman · « **Reply #1284 on:** October 12, 2022, 09:59:03 am »

Quote from: WDFORTE on October 11, 2022, 11:07:54 pm

Bruce Lee’s granddaughter Simone has just started selling mobile phone contracts ….

I don't get it..

hornypunter · « **Reply #1285 on:** October 12, 2022, 10:02:14 am »

Quote from: Bangman on October 12, 2022, 09:59:03 am

I don't get it..

Simone Lee. I didn't latch on at first either.

Corus Boy · « **Reply #1286 on:** October 12, 2022, 10:03:06 am »

Quote from: Bangman on October 12, 2022, 09:59:03 am

I don't get it..

You're not alone.

chrishornx · « **Reply #1287 on:** October 12, 2022, 10:05:51 am »

Quote from: Corus Boy on October 12, 2022, 10:03:06 am

You're not alone.

Sim Only?

WDFORTE · « **Reply #1288 on:** October 12, 2022, 10:17:10 am »

Simone Lee - SIM ONLY.

Corus Boy · « **Reply #1289 on:** October 12, 2022, 10:58:07 am »

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #1290 on:** October 12, 2022, 01:39:52 pm »

Had to think about it for a moment until the penny dropped.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1291 on:** October 15, 2022, 12:48:01 am »

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mr.bluesky · « **Reply #1292 on:** October 16, 2022, 08:20:10 am »

I bought a greyhound from a man in the pub the other day, when I took it home my wife asked " "are you going to race him ? " " No" I replied "he will be far to fast for me"