Most surreal punt?

[sparkus]

Also, as per another post up thread, I was once banging away a Romanian prossie who wasn't much to look at (facially anyway) or very good at giving me service. Had a good body though - a typical Romanian. Luckily, she had her Romanian news channel playing on the TV at the same time and I found the female Romanian newscaster fit as fuck to look at, with gorgeous piercing eyes; My god, I couldn't keep my eyes off her, I think even the prossie realised this as I was looking away from her for most of the time whilst fondling and groping her body. Luckily, I managed to shift the prossie's body onto the wrong side of the bed so that I could keep my focus on the gorgeous Romanian newscaster whilst humping her. This just made my experience so much better (otherwise would have been a shit punt).

It wasn't the 'bra-less' EE newscaster was it? 

[bukowski]

Just remembered a punt from a very long time ago
with lady who was possibly claiming to be Japanese
in a smart flat in Randolph avenue Maida Vale around 30 years ago.
(In the movie in my head of this though she seems more Spanish - bit blurry now)
Anyway about a year before this I'd been to see her and had a good time
Me 23 ish her 50 ish glam Milf type

A year later I go back and when I get there
she has a young English girl with her who she says is 'training'
Would I mind if she watches?
No problemo I say

She gets me on my back on a massage table and does some silly
Massage moves while the girl watches
She runs through the moves very speedily and in a perfunctory manner
Then starts to wank me in various silly styles whilst saying to the girl
Repeatedly 'techniques, techniques' . Same two words each time. Nothing else.

After a while she says to the girl ok you can take him now and leaves the room

I then fuck the girl like a perfectly normal punt.

[hw189]

It wasn't the 'bra-less' EE newscaster was it? 

No, sure it wasn't. I tell you though, it was almost as good as watching porn (for me, of course). That gorgeous good looks and those mesmerising eyes of the newscaster .... all replete with a beautiful smile from her at the very moment I unloaded in the girl. Seriously, I couldn't have orgasm at a more appropriate time!

[mrpeterman]

Was fucking a Latinan blonde whore in the hotel on new st by the old Bhs shop, small room ,hot day and she was game, anyway I'm sweating like a cunt, and after banging her doggie I flip her over and do her mish when sweat from my brow runs done my forehead and nose and drips into her open mouth, she went fucking ballistic not helped by my pissing myself with laughter, she then refuses to allow me back in, so I moan eventually she calms down but tells me it's doggy only, and as I'm pumping her the bag splits, she's going mental again as it's my fault!!!

Anyway finish In her sweaty mouth !! Go for check up and all clean, still makes me chuckle, silly cow should of got a room with aircon

[notcalledchris]

I had an appointment once with a portugese girl who was incredibly elegant and good looking (think slim latina hottie, with lustrous hair and pouty lips), she was also very affectionate and insisted on sharing a shower with me to end. At one point she walked to the other end of the bath (near the plughole) squatted down and relieved herself, before walking back to kiss me passionately. I did wonder if she would have done the same if we were in a shower cubicle.

i imagine that is her standard post shag routine which she normally does alone

[workinallweek]

  Many moons ago visited a girl working in a flat in Basildon wa a sunday i think and she said how slow it was as she opened the bottle of wine .She then out of the blue asked if her mate (not as fit but ok) could join in if she extended the time for free . I stayed nearly 3 hours .....

[rubric]

i imagine that is her standard post shag routine which she normally does alone

Yeah quite possibly, it was more the fact that she requested (nay insisted) that she share the shower with me.

[macman26]

Went for a punt a few years ago, pretty mid 20's English girl with nice big tits and how a like them with a bit of fat (more on that at end!) , all going well kissing etc and she striped and giving me a cracking BJ. Then other door opened in another part of house, she said 'shit hold on'. And then she rushed out to talk to her 6 year old son! And told him to get to back bed etc and "mummies busy" plus "don't come out again".... Know he's 6 as she told me upon her return!

Should have walked, but I was horny and she was as hot as fuck, so i let her continue the BJ. Next half-way though her riding me cow girl, heard the door again and she got off me, and she went off and talked to son again. Sorry to say I let her continue the fucking me upon return.... Asked for anal during the 2ed pop (need to get value!!) and she told me she was near 5 months pregnant! And I would have to be careful with her....

Would put a review up but this was a few years ago and she's no longer working.   

[Acerimmer]

I've had a few weird ones

2nd time I met my now regular I text her to say I was parked up and she text back saying she had had to pop out but she left the back door open, let myself in a get comfy she wouldn't be long, didn't realise I was that trustworthy.

Went to a reverse booking overnight and on entering the house was met by the escort and 2 other people in blue uniforms, I nearly soiled myself, turns out they were prison officer mates of hers just looking out for their mate and they soon left for work, got weird again later on when mid fuck she jumped off me and rang said mates and stated slagging me off to them in front of me.

Managed to break a girls bed I was fucking her so hard

Woke the neighbours by banging the bed up against the party wall  she was fucking my arse so hard

Ended up having a 3some when an escorts mate turned up unannounced mid overnight booking.

Very strange overnight with a mature lady who insisted I sleep in the spare room, I blew my load in her underwear draw and left.

But by far the most surreal was the 2 1/2 hours I spent hiding in a box room when an escorts parents turned up mid overnight booking, apparently she was married, hubby was away and she didn't want her parents to see me. Wasn't until they left that we saw the rather large vibrater that I'd been using on her wedged down the side of the sofa where her dad had been sat.

[itk]

Back when I started punting myself and a mate spoke to two regulars (back in the days of street WG's), who said they would drive us to the flat and drop us back off. When we got there they only had one bed so all four of us were on the one bed. Can still remember the one I was with telling me. 'Oi, your mate is copping a crafty feel of my tits.'   

[GMontag]

Back when I started punting myself and a mate spoke to two regulars (back in the days of street WG's), who said they would drive us to the flat and drop us back off. When we got there they only had one bed so all four of us were on the one bed. Can still remember the one I was with telling me. 'Oi, your mate is copping a crafty feel of my tits.' 

   
THIS EXACTLY happened between a mate and I. Ours though were 2 hookers we picked up in a bar abroad. Took them to my hotel room, my friend was married and lived in the city. We decided to take them same time. During punt my hooker says the same about him coping a feel. He wasn't crafty though, he was reaching out while spoon fucking his from her back. And mine had gorgeous massive tits!
We eventually swapped as he couldnt get his hands off her.
Fun times!

[steviex00]

I've had a few weird ones

2nd time I met my now regular I text her to say I was parked up and she text back saying she had had to pop out but she left the back door open, let myself in a get comfy she wouldn't be long, didn't realise I was that trustworthy.

Went to a reverse booking overnight and on entering the house was met by the escort and 2 other people in blue uniforms, I nearly soiled myself, turns out they were prison officer mates of hers just looking out for their mate and they soon left for work, got weird again later on when mid fuck she jumped off me and rang said mates and stated slagging me off to them in front of me.

Managed to break a girls bed I was fucking her so hard

Woke the neighbours by banging the bed up against the party wall  she was fucking my arse so hard

Ended up having a 3some when an escorts mate turned up unannounced mid overnight booking.

Very strange overnight with a mature lady who insisted I sleep in the spare room, I blew my load in her underwear draw and left.

But by far the most surreal was the 2 1/2 hours I spent hiding in a box room when an escorts parents turned up mid overnight booking, apparently she was married, hubby was away and she didn't want her parents to see me. Wasn't until they left that we saw the rather large vibrater that I'd been using on her wedged down the side of the sofa where her dad had been sat.

Wow, you should write a book! As for blowing a load in her underwear drawer, you owe me a cup of coffee and a new keyboard for that line! 

[anotherwoody69]

Love this thread, made me laugh out loud 

Got me thinking, and the stand outs for me are many years ago getting a blow job to completion whilst sat on the sofa in some random prossies house in Essex, trying as much as possible not to laugh out loud whilst watching the TV she had on it the background. It was the early days of Comic Relief and I forget the sketch now, but recall she gave me some very strange looks as I made weird noises whilst stifling a laugh. 
(Could be one for the "you know you're a punter when thread", watching Comic Relief these days and thinking back.)

Second one, Essex again and a few years back some bird from the Essex Chronicle who had a water bed she was very proud of.
Have you ever tried going at it hammer and tongs on a water bed? Or kneeling doggie? Gave up I seem to recall and had her over a chair in the room.
Happy days 

[snagz]

Was having a massage in a private house around Southampton. The woman had poorly stuffed animals on shelves. I think I recall her having a stuffed rat wearing a hat playing a guitar or something like that.

[mrpeterman]

Oh I forgot I saw Andrea a few times in wolves bendy flexi girl who had a habit of wrapping the condom up in a tissue and following you out the house and putting in her green bin, first time it happened I was like wtf, make it obvious to whole street I've just punted you, but I got past it, Ashe had a  fucking a tight tight pussy , like fucking a polo mint

[steviex00]

The post about the stuffed animals reminded me of a great shag I had with a girl in Cwmbran, south Wales. She had a load of soft toys on a shelf above the bed headboard. We'd had a great session and I asked her to finish me by hand. When I popped, I shot a big wad and it hit one of her teddies in the face. I looked at her, expecting her wrath. She looked at me, smiled and said "choose any toy from the top shelf!" I have never laughed so hard after a fuck. What a girl!

[sparkus]

As the OP, I thought my surreal punting days were behind me. Oh no!

Family home, bedroom with boxed child's toys. Bible on the bedside table and lots of crucifixes on the wall.

What would Jesus say?!

[Paris69]

A 'very' well used Caribbean lady... who kept telling me put it all in...
In Poker terminology.. I was all-in.

[joe diddley]

Had a really strange one with an amateur. This was a wifey who advertised on Craigslist or somewhere (I can't remember) that she was offering a fantasy massage for £50 over the course of an hour. An e-mail exchange revealed that she was a busty black women in her thirties who wanted to give erotic massages culminating in oral in front of her husband. The fantasy was that she wanted to play the role of an erotic masseuse. In spite of warnings from online punting buddies who thought that I was in danger of being beaten to a pulp by the husband, pictured for me as a street Lennox Lewis, I took my courage in my hands and booked a session which turned out to be in a ground floor flat in a low rise block in Wimbledon.

Having made my way across half of London I pitched up to be let in by 'Richard' (the husband) who was a older (than 'Debbie) white fellow in late middle age with the manner and look for one who prefers building Meccano models or repairing bakelite radios. He introduced me to Debbie who was in a black baby-doll negligee. She then took me to the bedroom (I was becoming somewhat uncomfortable at this turn of events) and began the massage which was almost laughably bad. I couldn't complain as of course it was a fantasy massage. She had the mirrors all pointing so that Richard in the living room could see everything, though he evidently had no interest in what was going on. He was rather having a flap because he needed Debbie to help him find some accessory for this computer and it was this that eventually rather derailed the atmosphere, though he was always cordial.

I did get the OWO (not bad) and afterwards left as Richard shook the hand of the man (me) that had only 15 minutes earlier been in his wife's vadge. A most singularly odd experience.

[mrpeterman]

And finally went for a punt with the Chinese group in Wolverhampton in Tumbler GRove, arrived and some wizened troll from the hobbit about 3ft 9 inches with not a tooth in her head directs me to the room , which was the darkest I've ever been in, I couldn't see a fucking thing, and refuse to go in the room, she couldn't understand me and shouts  something in Chinese and a guy comes out with a massive meat cleaver from the kitchen and I literally shit myself,

all it was the bulb in the room had gone and she called him to change it. He must have been preparing food at the time.

They must of seen my face as they then pissed themselves, it was actually the "waiting room area" girls get introduced to you, cut a long story short, the girl comes in and was fucking horrible but I'm shitting it leaving as they might think I'm time wasting, so I tell girl the wallet in car story and fuck off

Never went back to the Chinese girls as all b&s and the meat cleaver is one way to cure a hard on

[sparkus]

Had a really strange one with an amateur. This was a wifey who advertised on Craigslist or somewhere (I can't remember) that she was offering a fantasy massage for £50 over the course of an hour. An e-mail exchange revealed that she was a busty black women in her thirties who wanted to give erotic massages culminating in oral in front of her husband. The fantasy was that she wanted to play the role of an erotic masseuse. In spite of warnings from online punting buddies who thought that I was in danger of being beaten to a pulp by the husband, pictured for me as a street Lennox Lewis, I took my courage in my hands and booked a session which turned out to be in a ground floor flat in a low rise block in Wimbledon.

Having made my way across half of London I pitched up to be let in by 'Richard' (the husband) who was a older (than 'Debbie) white fellow in late middle age with the manner and look for one who prefers building Meccano models or repairing bakelite radios. He introduced me to Debbie who was in a black baby-doll negligee. She then took me to the bedroom (I was becoming somewhat uncomfortable at this turn of events) and began the massage which was almost laughably bad. I couldn't complain as of course it was a fantasy massage. She had the mirrors all pointing so that Richard in the living room could see everything, though he evidently had no interest in what was going on. He was rather having a flap because he needed Debbie to help him find some accessory for this computer and it was this that eventually rather derailed the atmosphere, though he was always cordial.

I did get the OWO (not bad) and afterwards left as Richard shook the hand of the man (me) that had only 15 minutes earlier been in his wife's vadge. A most singularly odd experience.

Such a vivid account.  Made my day.

Lucky twat too (you, not hers).

[workinallweek]

Read an add and headed off to a place in Southend .Lift didnt work 6 flights of stairs and feeling proper pissed off ,but the thought of the 22 year old gagging for it kept me going.
Knocked on the door waited  knocked again and out comes a bloke looking sheepish followed by someone old enough to be my great grandmother .
Taxi for Dave? i said then walked

[Horizontal pleasures]

Read an add and headed off to a place in Southend .Lift didnt work 6 flights of stairs and feeling proper pissed off ,but the thought of the 22 year old gagging for it kept me going.
Knocked on the door waited  knocked again and out comes a bloke looking sheepish followed by someone old enough to be my great grandmother .
Taxi for Dave? i said then walked

link please or negative review posted in East so none of us make the same mistake, thanks.

[Weyoun]

Two stick out for me. The first was before finding UKP was seeing a WG (can't remember her name) who turned out to be a young mum who had a 6 month old lad in the house much to my horror (not fond of WG's who keep have kids near where they are working) who woke up mid punt. The WG had hid a baby monitor in her bedroom and dashed off. Turns out the baby had a jippy tummy and made a right mess. The WG was also making a right mess of sorting it out and being an experienced dad my paternal instincts kicked in and I ended up changing the baby and helping her clean up. Obviously that killed the mood but to be fair to her she gave me my money back and offered a discount if I came back another time, I never returned.

The second was a 2 hour punt in a hotel near J24 of the M1 with Sexy Petite Kylie. Nothing unusual about the punt but I was without transport at the time and had made my way there by train and taxi. I was just waiting for a taxi back to the train station when Kylie came past (turns out I'd been her last punt of the day) and offered me a lift to the station. As it was saving a few quid I said why not but although not far away it was rush hour and there were heavy roadworks and I ended being late for my train and Kylie was so concerned I make it home safe she insisted in seeing me onto the train.

[joe diddley]

Such a vivid account.  Made my day.

Lucky twat too (you, not hers).

The whole experience felt a bit like a damp squib at the time to be honest, sparkus. I remember thinking on the tube home what a waste of an afternoon it had all been. The real tragedy for Debbie, I reckon (if tragedy isn't too strong a word), was she seemed completely unable to interest Richard in her libido, even by means of such extreme measures.

[zulu-lance]

Used to see this busty young Thai girl going back a few years who went by the alias Nicole and probably Layla at times and worked out of a flat near Maryleborne. One of the filthiest no-holes barred fuck doll ever, I still miss her. Used to meet her direct outside of her agency and we used to have food and drinks at times as well. Once when I book her for an evening appointment, she tells me that this particular delivery guy who has brought her food on a couple of occasions, seems to have taken a fancy for her and behaves quite weirdly. She then tells me I shall order food today and am hoping that the same guy turns up, however I shall have a surprise for him in store. I say okay what's the plan, she tells me wait and watch. She orders the food and we wait for it to arrive. The guy calls up and she says it must be him. She then says to me I am going to open the door just in my bra and thong and call him inside. You be completely undressed and I will call him in and we can make out before him.
At first I thought this girl must be out of her mind, but then the the thrill of doing something as crazy as this got the better of me as well and I played along. As planned she opens the door in her itsy bitsy undergarments and nonchalantly flirts with him as I am watching with amusement from behind the bedroom door looking out into the corridor. She tells him she will get the money from the bedroom and asks him to put the food parcel on the kitchen table. She then hurriedly comes to the bedroom, where I am ready with a boner and starts blowing me and he is like waiting for her to come out with the cash. She then calls out to him to come into the bedroom as she is still blowing me. I can only imagine what the poor chap must have been wondering that today is his lucky day He peeks into the bedroom and sees my cock stuffed inside her mouth with the most jaw dropping expression I must have ever seen written across. She looks at him, fakes an apology and proceeds to hand over the money. The poor chap was so completely stunned by what had unfolded before him that he dropped half of the money before making a run for the exit. We laughed so hard and then proceeded to have yet another filthy fuck session 
To this day I cannot figure why I complied with her, anyway does not matter, however it has to be one of the most outrageous experiences ever on a punt. I then asked her whether she was ever contacted by him again, she said he tried to call her a few times and she had to put him off saying she was busy or something. Also she wasn't that bothered as she was already in the process of changing her flat soon after that.

[Bogof60]

Taxi for Dave? i said then walked
Made me spit my drink out.
Cheers

[workinallweek]

link please or negative review posted in East so none of us make the same mistake, thanks.

you wont make the mistake she was old then and that was 15 years ago

[BogBog1]

No so much "surreal" as "fucking terrifying" due to the dangers of punting in the U.S. (reports of police stings, arrests etc stemming from fake prossie ads on backpages.com).

Outcall to the apartment I was staying in, Miami Beach (note: the reason I caved and had to fuck someone despite all risks of U.S. punting was because Miami Beach is WALL TO WALL FANNY. It's everywhere, and most of it is hot as fuck. A man can only resist for so long....)

Good comms, seemed from the off that she was legit. $180 for an hour, which for the U.S. is a great rate. As I'd heard so many horror stories of punting in the U.S. I literally had no idea what to expect, and was bricking it by the time I got the "I'm here" text around 30 minutes after arranging the meet. I was pleasantly surprised though: while it wasn't the girl in the photo, the girl I met was close enough looks-wise, American, and really petite (which I really like). I'd say English size 6 at the most, maybe less. She stripped off (smoking hot body, tiny tits, not an ounce of fat on her), lay on the bed and invited me to join her. I went in to kiss her - turned away, not a chance. Kissed her tits, which she was OK with, I moved my hand between her legs for a bit of fingering - not allowed. I asked for oral - this was only with condom. Wanted to shag that tiny body, so fucked her in mish, came pretty quickly. At which point she jumped up, wrapped the condom in toilet paper, had her clothes on and was out the door in probably 3 minutes flat. In total I reckon she was there for 20 minutes, out of the hour. Overall, a very average Romanian-style punt with a tiny hardbody.

Here comes the scary bit. About 5 minutes after she left, there was a stern knocking at the door. Holy shit, I'm about to be busted, I thought. I almost didn't open the door, and had one of those "life flashing before my eyes" moments. It's a sting, I've been set up, I am royally fucked, and all for a crap shag I could have got anywhere in the UK.... eventually plucked up the courage to peek out of the window next to the door, and saw it was the girl. She'd forgotten her phone. I looked round and there it was, on the table. I have NEVER breathed a more enormous sigh of relief, and proceeded directly to the nearest bar where I downed a beer in 2 minutes flat.

[midnightcowboy]

That would have to be when she answered a phone call whilst I was fucking her.

When I looked at her with a slight (wtf) query on my face she didn't seem at all put out. She said:

'Oh, I have to get this. It's my brother and he's in prison. I've been waiting all day for this call.'

So she carried on chatting.

And so I carried on fucking.

I finished and gave her a wave goodbye as she was still on the phone. That was pretty weird.

[weedougie]

Years ago I picked up a girl on Bedford Hill and drove her back to her flat. Went in and her primary school aged daughter was in the kitchen making herself a sandwich! We went through to her bedroom (the mother's, not the daughter's) and had a very awkward shag before I left them to have some quality family time.....

[myothernameis]

Early 90's and a very warm summer, where temperatures were hitting the high 80's, and was out cycling on my bike, and cycled to the massage parlour

3 girls on that day, one on the door, and the other two working the cabins, arrived and undressed, and had cold shower, and went to the lounge to watch tv

The lounge was very warm, so the girls were wearing very little clothing, one of the girls who I was waiting for, was in a cabin with a punter, and while I waited watched tv.

Couldn't help my self, got an erection, which I didn't bother to hide; the other girl noticed, and commented, looks like someone ready for some action, and she jokingly played with it 

At this point I began to move my hand up the girls leg, no objections, it was at this point the other girl joined us, and she joked, can you not wait till you get in the cabin.  With it being such a warm day, I suggested, why don't we have a threesome, and do it here in the lounge, the receptionist agreed to lock the door

Now this is the surreal bit, the receptionist sat on the couch opposite, she decided she was going to be left out, and took her jeans of and started to masturbate, and at this point I was fucking one of them 

[BogBog1]

This is fucking outstanding!!!

Used to see this busty young Thai girl going back a few years who went by the alias Nicole and probably Layla at times and worked out of a flat near Maryleborne. One of the filthiest no-holes barred fuck doll ever, I still miss her. Used to meet her direct outside of her agency and we used to have food and drinks at times as well. Once when I book her for an evening appointment, she tells me that this particular delivery guy who has brought her food on a couple of occasions, seems to have taken a fancy for her and behaves quite weirdly. She then tells me I shall order food today and am hoping that the same guy turns up, however I shall have a surprise for him in store. I say okay what's the plan, she tells me wait and watch. She orders the food and we wait for it to arrive. The guy calls up and she says it must be him. She then says to me I am going to open the door just in my bra and thong and call him inside. You be completely undressed and I will call him in and we can make out before him.
At first I thought this girl must be out of her mind, but then the the thrill of doing something as crazy as this got the better of me as well and I played along. As planned she opens the door in her itsy bitsy undergarments and nonchalantly flirts with him as I am watching with amusement from behind the bedroom door looking out into the corridor. She tells him she will get the money from the bedroom and asks him to put the food parcel on the kitchen table. She then hurriedly comes to the bedroom, where I am ready with a boner and starts blowing me and he is like waiting for her to come out with the cash. She then calls out to him to come into the bedroom as she is still blowing me. I can only imagine what the poor chap must have been wondering that today is his lucky day He peeks into the bedroom and sees my cock stuffed inside her mouth with the most jaw dropping expression I must have ever seen written across. She looks at him, fakes an apology and proceeds to hand over the money. The poor chap was so completely stunned by what had unfolded before him that he dropped half of the money before making a run for the exit. We laughed so hard and then proceeded to have yet another filthy fuck session 
To this day I cannot figure why I complied with her, anyway does not matter, however it has to be one of the most outrageous experiences ever on a punt. I then asked her whether she was ever contacted by him again, she said he tried to call her a few times and she had to put him off saying she was busy or something. Also she wasn't that bothered as she was already in the process of changing her flat soon after that.

[candec]

A 'very' well used Caribbean lady... who kept telling me put it all in...
In Poker terminology.. I was all-in.

I had a similar experience, also with a well used Caribbean lady. She kept telling me to "spunk it all out now". I didn't take long to oblige..

[Mr lovepants]

I had a body to body massage in southampton with a chinese lady very nice naked massage.
Ended up fixing her gas boiler as her payment card slot meter would not work.

[itk]

Just remembered a punt with a WG I'd seen before.  Never remember her name but she was Greek and had an amazing pair of tits. One evening myself and two punting mates picked her up and ended up back at her mates flat across the road.
When we walked in he told us, 'No discounts just because there's three of you.' 
Two of sat there playing PlayStation games with him till it was our time for a punt.

She was the same WG who at a later time said we could all have her at the same time. We all thought it would be great but two of couldn't keep it up so to speak. 

[mrpeterman]

Ohh I forgot at namoi pink palace Preston I was talking about chipped sky boxes where you added the code and how I knew a bloke who got them,  nsmio was like get me one and I will punt you for free, was surreal sitting there talking about sky boxes etc

God bless pippa who was her "mum" who would sank you off into Naomi's mouth for an extra tenner