The joke thread

[WARSZAWA16]

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[WARSZAWA16]

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[Doormatt]

I see we are now on page 68.

68, my favourite thing to do in sex. You give me a blow job and I'll owe you one.

[WARSZAWA16]

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A"
Harold. Hastings. 1066.

[sparkus]

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A"
Harold. Hastings. 1066.

He's buried not far from me (or they think it's him anyway). Some of the wreaths left on his grave are quite amusing e.g. "Harold, come back, we need you now more than ever."

[webpunter]

The ten greatest fucks in history

Look at all those fucking Indians! - General Custer
I thought I could fucking smell petrol - Niki Lauda
What a place to plant a fucking tree - Mark Bolan
What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshoma
No fuckers gonna know..... - Richard Nixon
That's not a real fucking gun - John Lennon
Of course it faking looks like her  - Pablo Picasso
Watch him he'll have some fuckers eye out - King Harold
Who let that fucking woman drive? - Space Shuttle Captain
Where's all that fucking water coming from - Captain of the Titanic

My fave [which i have posted b4] ⬇️

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[webpunter]

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A"
Harold. Hastings. 1066.

Still laarfin, the simplest jokes are often the best 

[WDFORTE]

Chumbawumba at a concert in Moscow...

I get shot down, I don't get up again.

[Darren101]

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I thought that was funny

[A Decent Fist]

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I thought that was funny

Me too. And that led to this, with Sharon Stone, no less. Couldn't do that sketch on a TV show these days...

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[mr.bluesky]

The ten greatest fucks in history

Look at all those fucking Indians! - General Custer
I thought I could fucking smell petrol - Niki Lauda
What a place to plant a fucking tree - Mark Bolan
What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshoma
No fuckers gonna know..... - Richard Nixon
That's not a real fucking gun - John Lennon
Of course it faking looks like her  - Pablo Picasso
Watch him he'll have some fuckers eye out - King Harold
Who let that fucking woman drive? - Space Shuttle Captain *
Where's all that fucking water coming from - Captain of the Titanic

My fave [which i have posted b4] ⬇️

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Alternatively * pilot of space shuttle Columbia "can you smell burning"

[webpunter]

Some more

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."   -- Albert Einstein

"It does SO fucking look like her!"  -- Pablo Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"  -- Pythagorus

"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo

"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." -- Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers...my arse !"  -- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"  -- JFK


Joan of Arc & Noah 

[WARSZAWA16]

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[mh]

Who let that fucking woman drive? - Space Shuttle Captain

So I guess the brakes binding on Verstappen's F1 car yesterday was his fucking fault then. 

[mr.bluesky]

So I guess the brakes binding on Verstappen's F1 car yesterday was his fucking fault then. 

Woman mechanic probably , she forgot to adjust them
(Verstappen doesn't usually need brakes, he crashes into other drivers to slow himself down)

[WARSZAWA16]

I think they meant the date……


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[WARSZAWA16]

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[WARSZAWA16]

I asked my grandmother how she was enjoying her new stairlift.
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

A tourist is asked by the officer in passport control at Paris airport: ‘What is your nationality?'.
He replied 'German.'
The officer then asks: ‘Occupation?'
The tourist replies: ‘No,only visiting.'

I just heard on the news that the world’s most expensive sheepdog sold at auction for £18,900.........or £19,000 if you round it up.

I got an odd job man in today,
I gave him a specific list of 8 jobs to do and he only did 1,3,5 and 7.

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.
I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair...

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.

Have you heard about the 3 star French restaurant that makes omelets with only 1 egg?
Apparently in Paris, 1 egg is un oeuf.

Just got hospitalised due to a peak-a-boo accident.
They’ve put me in ICU.

[webpunter]

Woman mechanic probably , she forgot to adjust them
(Verstappen doesn't usually need brakes, he crashes into other drivers to slow himself down)

The last time a woman 'put the brakes on' @ Red Bull she got fired

He likes to park on top of LH & doesnt even check to see if he is OK 
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[RogerHealey]

Overheard little girl talking to her mother in Waitrose :
"Mummy, does Lego have a silent 't' in it like in Merlot..?"

[JimmySW]

Woman mechanic probably , she forgot to adjust them
(Verstappen doesn't usually need brakes, he crashes into other drivers to slow himself down)

Alonso could have picked a better time to brake! That reminded me of how he used to be!

[Ali Katt]

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[kuck]

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[WARSZAWA16]

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[WARSZAWA16]

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[WARSZAWA16]

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[catweazle]

Its not widely known that, as a child, Luciano Pavarotti was deeply interested in architecture.  His father encouraged this interest  thinking it could be a good  future  career and would take the young lad on walks around the town  to look at different styles of architecture.

Once, young Luciano pointed to an ornate  house, and said: " Dad, is that a Mansard window?"

His father  replied: " Nah, son, Dormer!"

[WARSZAWA16]

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[WARSZAWA16]

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[WARSZAWA16]

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[mr.bluesky]

It has occurred to me that not only was Louis Armstrong's lyric " we have all the time in the world" a touch presumptuous it was also clearly incorrect as he found out in 1971.

I have recently discovered The History channel on freeview , blimey that Hitler was a bit of a cunt.

Take a tip from vapours and give your car exhaust  a flavour  by popping a couple of strawberries and Blueberries in the catalytic converter.

[WARSZAWA16]

I have recently discovered The History channel on freeview , blimey that Hitler was a bit of a cunt.

As Grandad said in one of the first episodes of Only Fools And Horses when talking about the war - "the way them Germans were carrying on, someone was going to get hurt".

[WARSZAWA16]

I was delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was "outstanding", particularly since I can't even remember sending it in.

Did you know: “Lance” may be an uncommon name these days…
But in Medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.

[webpunter]

As Grandad said in one of the first episodes of Only Fools And Horses when talking about the war - "the way them Germans were carrying on, someone was going to get hurt".

   to you & @mr.b

edit:  & BTW unless i'm mistaken you're not supposed to mention the war ! 

[DastardlyDick]

  to you & @mr.b

edit:  & BTW unless i'm mistaken you're not supposed to mention the war ! 

Only done it once so he'll get as a with it! 

[mr.bluesky]

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[Steve2]

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Forward but the sentiment is good Mr B 

[mr.bluesky]

Forward but the sentiment is good Mr B 

  good point. I should post it in October 

[Hoping]

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Surprised you mentioned this Mr B.  Bet not all the people in Coventry at the time would agree!: External Link/Members Only

[mr.bluesky]

Surprised you mentioned this Mr B.  Bet not all the people in Coventry at the time would agree!: External Link/Members Only

I did know that Coventry was one of the most heavily bombed cities during WW2 because of its industry  like wise so was Dresden in Germany that's why they are now twinned City's.  The ruins of the old cathedral bears testament to the Blitz. The joke I posted is probably more of a dig at the government rather than the general population.  As the saying goes " we are an army of lions led by sheep"  perhaps better posted on the political thread.

[badsin]

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[webpunter]

I did know that Coventry was one of the most heavily bombed cities during WW2 because of its industry  like wise so was Dresden in Germany that's why they are now twinned City's.  The ruins of the old cathedral bears testament to the Blitz. The joke I posted is probably more of a dig at the government rather than the general population.  As the saying goes " we are an army of lions led by sheep"  perhaps better posted on the political thread.

I think its donkeys

More importantly
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Anyways here's the original pic for when the clocks go back

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[webpunter]

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Quality 

[VladtheImpaleHer]

At what point do you start getting paranoid when you keep receiving 'enlarge your penis' emails in your inbox???

Just this week I received ten emails. Eight were from my girlfriend!!

[Waterhouse]

Quality 

Justice..!!

[WARSZAWA16]

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[Hoping]

I did know that Coventry was one of the most heavily bombed cities during WW2 because of its industry  like wise so was Dresden in Germany that's why they are now twinned City's.  The ruins of the old cathedral bears testament to the Blitz. The joke I posted is probably more of a dig at the government rather than the general population.  As the saying goes " we are an army of lions led by sheep"  perhaps better posted on the political thread.

Point taken

[mr.bluesky]

At what point do you start getting paranoid when you keep receiving 'enlarge your penis' emails in your inbox???

Just this week I received ten emails. Eight were from my girlfriend!!

My girlfriend once said to me " your not going to let a small cock ruin our relationship are you" ? "Of course not I replied " (Still I would prefer it if she didn't have one ).

[badsin]

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[mr.bluesky]

I've got a lot of admiration for athlete Colin Jackson, he's had to overcome a lot of hurdles to get where he is in life.