Limericks about WG, Punters or anything "naughty"

[fuckalot]

She looked so cheap, and was tarted up.
Her punter panting a big-hearted pup!
He was short on allure,
Too fat, that’s for sure,
But not a bad fuck, once started up!

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[Ali Katt]

I once met a catholic, black lass from Cheshunt
Total class act, we listened to Slick Rick and Ras Kass
And then I let my bishop bless her cunt

I once booked a girl from Derby,
Big teeth like Jimmy Tarby,
We said our "see you laters" after going down in the elevator
The missus thought I fucked the cheese grater, not my idea of a retirement party

Once saw a fat chick from Aberdeen
The things we did were obscene
Got her out of her Levis, between her thighs...
A prick so big, she could only be described as a size queen

[johnnyboy61]

Here's an old one, not that naughty except that a contra-bassoon is 8 times longer than a flute.

A young woodwind player named June
Arrived at rehearsal to soon,
A man in the band
Put his flute in her hand,
And it changed to a contra-bassoon!

[Blackpool Rock]

I suspect this thread may be moved to off topic in a bit, anyway here we go with an old one I heard when I was a kid -

There once was a man from Belgrade
who found a dead pro in a cave
he said how disgusting
but she only needs dusting
and think of the money I'll save

 

[cueball]

Here lies the body of deadwood dick
The only man with a corkscrew prick
He searched the world from pole to pole
To find a woman with a corkscrew hole
But when he did he dropped down dead
Cos the one he found had a left hand thread

[cueball]

Heres another one....

There was a young girl from madras
Who laid on her back in the grass
With fingers so slim
She fingered her quim
Til it frothed up like a bottle of bass

[cueball]

There was a young girl named Sapphire
who succumbed to her lover’s desire
she said It’s a sin
but now that it’s in
could you shove it a few inches higher

[Blackpool Rock]

Here lies the body of deadwood dick
The only man with a corkscrew prick
He searched the world from pole to pole
To find a woman with a corkscrew hole
But when he did he dropped down dead
Cos the one he found had a left hand thread

Ah I heard a different version of this -

This is the story of John Quick
The unfortunate man with a corkscrew shaped prick
He searched the world in a frantic hunt to find a woman with a corkscrew shaped cunt
After many begs and pleads he found a woman to suit his needs
Then to his horror and his dread he found she had a left hand thread

[Loverat]

There were once two young men from Cawnpore
Who buggered and fucked the same whore.
The partition split
And the spunk and the shut
Rolled out in great lumps on the floor

[aerofan5]

There was a young fellow from Kent
whose penis was seriously bent
so to save any trouble
he stuck it in double
and instead of coming, he went.

[Siadwel]

There was a young girl from Northants
Who travelled by bus to Penzance
Five others fucked her
Besides the conductor
And the driver came twice in his pants

[aerofan5]

There was a young prossie from Kew
Who filled her love tunnel with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

[The_Scarecrow]

There was a young fellow from Kent
whose penis was seriously bent
so to save any trouble
he stuck it in double
and instead of coming, he went.

Had a book with that one in when I was in my teens (some years ago), another one I remember from the same tome is:

A Policeman from near Clapham Junction,
Had a penis that just wouldn't function,
For the rest of his life,
He mis-led his wife,
With some snot on the end of his truncheon.

[peewee]

There was a young man from Brent
Whose tool was exceedingly bent
Not to cause any trouble
He put it in double
And instead of cumming he went

[aerofan5]

Had a book with that one in when I was in my teens (some years ago), another one I remember from the same tome is:

A Policeman from near Clapham Junction,
Had a penis that just wouldn't function,
For the rest of his life,
He mis-led his wife,
With some snot on the end of his truncheon.

Yes, that one came from my teenage years, a real oldie.

Try this one -

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose cock was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it."

[unclepokey]

I've just loved some of these. My contribution is:

The maths master from school
had a rather large tool
and insisted that pi
was shagerous.

I'll get me coat
Uncle Pokey

[Watts.E.Dunn]

From the crypt of the church of St Giles,
came a scream that echoed for miles,
Said the vicar "good gracious"! it's brother Ignatius
he's forgotten the Bishop has piles!.

&&&&&&&&&&&

There was a young vampire called Mabel,
whose periods were exceeding stable,
by the light of the moon, and with the help of a spoon,
she'd drink herself under the table!.

[aerofan5]

Great thread, good chuckles.

There was a young lady from France
who got on a freight train by chance
the engineer fucked her,
as did the conductor,
but the brakeman shot off in his pants.

[covertlook]

There was a young man from Cosham
Who took out his bollocks to washem
His wife said "Jack,
If you don't put 'em back,
I'll jump on the buggers and squash'em".

[nigel4498]

There was an air hostess named Faye,
Who gained liberation one day.
She screwed without quitting
From New York to Britain
And clearly has come a long way.

[johnnyboy61]

Not dirty, but more in reference to some of the earlier Limericks in this thread which seem to have an odd metre:

There was a young man from Japan
Whose Limericks never would scan.
Why asked why it was
He said it's because
I always try to fit in as many words in the last line as I possibly can.

[fuckalot]

There was an old fart named fuckalot
Who posted a limerick on UK punting
He was surprised by replies
When he opened his eyes
Then went back to fu*king young girls and giving cream pies

[S.X. MacHine]

'There was a young man from Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born.
He needn't have been, if his father had seen,
That the end of his condom was torn!'

'There was a young lady from Ecuador,
Who fell in love with a toreador.
As he pulled out his dick, which was six inches thick,
She said, 'it's a cunt, not a corridor!'

There once was a lady from Rhyl,
Who tried dynamite for a thrill,
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

[S.X. MacHine]

And for all you lovers of anal;

'There was a young man from Port Kelly,
Who preferred his wife's arse to her belly.
With howls of delight, he poked through a shite,
As he covered her bowels with his jelly'.

Of course, it only really scans if you use the Scottish version of the word 'shite', and not 'shit'.

[S.X. MacHine]

Ah yes, and a prossie Limerick;

'There was a young man of Baroda,
Who'd not pay his whore what he owed her.
She lept out of his bed with her cunt flaming red,
And she pissed in his whisky and soda'.

[aerofan5]

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The color divine,
but the scent was rather a failure.

[Krojan]

It smells like fish,
It tastes like chicken,
That's the place,
You put your dick in!


Sex is evil,
Evil is sin,
Sin gets forgiven,
So get stuck in!

[MancSean]

There was a prossie from Berlin
Whose green light on aw said she was in
She took it up the ass
Then drank cum from a glass
But alas then spat it in a bin

[Mr Br1ghts1de]

An old one:

There was a young lady from Ealing
who had a very peculiar feeling
she lay on her back
and opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling. 

[Happylad]

There once was a whore from Baroda,
who kept an immoral pagoda,
and the walls of the halls
were festooned with the balls
and the tools of the fools who bestrode her.

There once was a bishop of Tring
whose mind was on ethereal things.
His sole earthly desire
was a boy in the choir
with an arse like a jelly on string

The Venerable Bishop of Buckingham
stood one night on the bridge near Uppingham
watching the stunts
of the punts in the cunts
and the tools of the fools who were fucking`em

There was a young whore from Devizes
whose tits were of different sizes.
One was so small
it was no tit at all,
but the other was large and won prizes.

A randy young fellow from Bude
tickled his girl while they queued,
till a man just in front
shouted out "I smell cunt"
Just like that, right out loud - rather rude!

There was an old virgin called Heather
whose hymen was like toughened leather.
The number`s unlisted
of those that she twisted,
but six she snapped off altogether.

[Happylad]

I suppose the next step after this is as many verses as we can remember of The Ball of Killimuir, or, failing that, Eskimo Nell

[Stapler]

There was a young man named Dave
Who found a dead pro in a cave
It took all his pluck
To have a cold fuck
But think of the money he'd save!

..S...

[jackthelad]

She looked so cheap, and was tarted up.
Her punter panting a big-hearted pup!
He was short on allure,
Too fat, that’s for sure,
But not a bad fuck, once started up!

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Who's the girl in the pic if I may ask?

Thank you
J

[fuckalot]

Who's the girl in the pic if I may ask?

Thank you
J

Sorry J just a pic I found on line, but know what you thinking 

[LL]

There was a young man from Brent
Whose tool was exceedingly bent
Not to cause any trouble
He put it in double
And instead of cumming he went

It's even funnier the second time! 

[Stapler]

There was a prossie from Berlin
Whose green light on aw said she was in
She took it up the ass
Then drank cum from a glass
But alas then spat it in a bin

Methinks you did a lot of editing on this one! Not very rhythmic at all! Sorry!

..S...

[johnnyboy61]

Ok, here's my homemade effort using a place name where I do a lot of punting. If anyone can improve the ending with "wheelbarrow" instead of "barrow" I'd be grateful, but I couldn't make it scan.

A young working girl from North Harrow
Said, "my God, it's the size of a marrow!"
She made such a din
When I pushed it deep in.
Now her cunt is the size of a barrow.

[johnnyboy61]

Ok, here's my homemade effort using a place name where I do a lot of punting. If anyone can improve the ending with "wheelbarrow" instead of "barrow" I'd be grateful, but I couldn't make it scan.

A young working girl from North Harrow
Said, "my God, it's the size of a marrow!"
She made such a din
When I pushed it deep in.
Now her cunt is the size of a barrow.

OK, ever the perfectionist, and as I'm a grower, not a shower (but nothing like a marrow), but not quite as naughty.

A young working girl from South Harrow
Said your dick is too short and too narrow,
Then to her surprise
In front of her eyes
It grew to the size of a marrow.

PS notice the subtle change of location!

[nigel4498]

There was a homosexual from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room.
They spent the night
Having a hell of a fight
About who did what and to whom.

[johnnyboy61]

I'm on a roll now, local to me again, although I'd like to point out I've never paid to fuck an eighteen year-old.

She was only eighteen from North Wembley
Her legs, all a sudden, went trembly
She said I must dash,
demanded her cash
And rushed off to her school assembly!

[johnnyboy61]

Sorry to start posting so prolifically on this thread. On holiday, sitting at home, no punt arranged until next Tuesday, so bear with! Local to me again, although never fucked a GILF or in Bushey. You'll have to say "mushy" in a Yorkshire accent; not often heard in Hertfordshire!

I met with an old GILF from Bushey
Who had a dried-up, loose old pussy.
She squeezed out the lube
And it gushed out the tube,
'Twas no better coz her pussy's now mushy.

[johnnyboy61]

Fuck the limericks, one of my local favourites, Eva Naughty in Harrow has just come off a break and I'm first in! Come to think of it:

There was a young lady from Harr............. Shit! Stop wasting time bye!

Edit:actually she's from Wealdstone, but I can't be arsed to write a Limerick about that.

[johnnyboy61]

Fuck the limericks, one of my local favourites, Eva Naughty in Harrow has just come off a break and I'm first in! Come to think of it:

There was a young lady from Harr............. Shit! Stop wasting time bye!

Edit:actually she's from Wealdstone, but I can't be arsed to write a Limerick about that.

Bugger it, here goes...

A Hungarian prossie from Wealdstone,
Her talents were quite widely known.
Her kisses a thrill,
Her blow job was brill,
But she won't play my rusty trombone!  (Boom, boom  - or perhaps pah, pah!)

Anybody else coming out to play on this thread?

[Redhead Lover]

There once was a celebrity Z-lister
Who was happy for you to fist her
During the punt
You'd fill up her cunt
And for extra, she'd bring her sister

[vt]

There was a young whore from Spain
Who pulled her pants down on a train
Along came a porter
Saw more than he oughta
And asked her to do it again!

[jackthelad]

Sorry J just a pic I found on line, but know what you thinking 

Bloody shame!

[jackthelad]

She looked so cheap, and was tarted up.
Her punter panting a big-hearted pup!
He was short on allure,
Too fat, that’s for sure,
But not a bad fuck, once started up!

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Seems like a source? Still no idea who she is though.

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