First of all, forgive me if this is the wrong place to post this message.
I want to bring up the discussion about mental health and the punting lifestyle that I have been affected by. I raise this as a point of discussion because there could be others that share the same issues and problems I have and if a discussion on this topic can help them in any way then it's a positive step.
If you are not aware of my cameo appearances on these forums I'll try and sum it up for you:
I'm typically a barebacker who seeks cheap punts as much as possible with no disregard for my health and safety or of the WGs I visit. (A lot of replies to my posts helped me pen this self-definition).
My first experiences of depression and anxiety were in my teens (I'm in my late 30's now) and were put on a number of different medications and counselling to help with this. Initially, they did help but I knew deep down that life experiences were crucial to building my self-esteem and confidence. I lost my virginity at age 19 to a girl I barely knew at a house party and it was bareback (possible link?) and soon after that, I had my first girlfriend who I met via an online chatroom. We dated for 6 months and this girl loved watching porn and insisted on receiving CIM etc. which was great at the time but did not help with my growing opinions of sex/women/relationships etc. The girl ended up cheating on me a number of times and expressed how her 'ex lovers' all had large dicks and I just did not satisfy her. This, in turn, made me depressed and distraught, my self-esteem plummeted. My first 'Punt' came a few months after that R/S ended.
Growing up in central London, I always got curious about the numbers in the phone boxes and decided to call one up and visited the address they told me on the phone which was near Goodge St station. The whole experience was surreal at the time, a maid greeted me and I waited in a room for 3 different girls to enter, one by one, to greet me when I had to choose. I chose the skinny/slim one with piercings and went with her to a different room. I vaguely remember the actual punt but I know I did not last long. A blowjob and doggy style, all with a condom. I remember chatting to the girl after and tried to get her number because we both had piercings and she wanted to know where to get them in the area but said she can't leave and did not have a phone. She was Hungarian. I was so naive to even think she was trapped in this life. We hugged and shared a kiss as a left.
This must have been around the early 2000's and I think both of these factors inspired my punting lifestyle ever since. A) The first GF who dumped me for being "too small" and B) the first punt who I had a genuine connection with. That's my own psychological analysis of my punting habit and one I have spoken to a number of therapists about who have somewhat agreed.
After my first punt, I did not punt again for another year after being unsuccessful in attracting another GF and the punting started to become more frequent. Towards the end of Uni, I got into an LTR that lasted for several years and I thought my punting habit was gone. Once that R/S ended, a long time friend I sometimes went to punts with back in the day, was still doing it and that whole world was mine to explore again but it seemed even more accessible with forums like this and sites like AW.
I have worked out over the last 5 years that I have spent £7,540 on punts. I'm pretty good at recalling them, so there could be a few omissions. The last 2 years, I have logged them so I know they are exact. Around 70% were with Romanians/Hungarians, 20% British, 10% Other. I would say 40% were bareback and the average spend was £60 a punt. The most I ever paid for a punt was £120 for 1 hour. The cheapest I ever paid for a punt was £30 and it was my best punt ever.
I have never been a fan of strip clubs because they make me sexually frustrated. I stopped viewing Porn about 4 years ago for the same reasons, it would trigger me to punt even more often or viewing Porn would not make me erect. Despite this, I still masturbate 1-3 times a day without fail and I use my imagination (if I'm not punting).
Before my LTR of many years, punting did not feel like it was out of my control. I remember going to clubs, pubs etc and getting off with women, even getting laid, using online dating etc. Punting was always like the last resort, the odd occasion where I couldn't take blue balls anymore. After my LTR and entering the punting world again is where it began problematic after 1 year.
For the last 5 years, I have been punting on average once a month - in the last 2 years it would be once a week. For someone who only earns £18k a year and living in London, it's not a viable habit and has racked up debts on credit cards (£2,000 here, £3,000 there).
This year, I attended a Sex Annonymous meeting because I felt like it would help with my punting habit that was out of control but the majority all had a problem and issues with pornography, which I just could not relate to. I went back to one more meeting but found it to severely trigger my punting habit and did not go back, opting for some CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) instead.
The therapy helped, especially talking more in-depth about my punting habit and how it's related to my low mood, depression, low self-esteem.
I understand that from reading other posts on this forum that most of you are like I was in the 2000's - punting is a healthy 'hobby' that is within your control. For me this current decade we are in, it has been the opposite. It has tormented me. It has ruined friendships, potential relationships where I have tried to form and been close to but have sabotaged them and returned to punting.
I have only done bareback with WG's in the last few years and before that, I would never ever consider it. That is why I link it to my mental health issues because it's a huge risk and what my therapist labelled as 'slow suicide' or 'subtle suicide'. 2018 has given me some huge rude awakenings that I needed so desperately. I have lost count on how many evenings (usually Friday's) where I have curled up in my bed fighting the urge to punt without the ability to do anything else (watching TV or playing a game or something) because I was just overtaken with a compulsion to punt.
Out of the 200 or so punts I have been on in the last 2 years, I have been to about 200 more - where I have walked out. Sometimes, the 'fix' I get is in the setup and the sex or sexual act is just a bonus.
It's a typical addiction cycle of Acting Out > Guilt/Regret > Shame/Depression > Stress > Acting Out etc. - Punting in the last 18 months has been a stress response to anything. If I have had challenges at work, I'll punt. If I got rejected on a date, I'll punt. If my mood felt a little low one day, I would punt and it would get more common and out of control.
The last 2 months, I have been re-reading notes I had made in the mid 00's from reading books like 'The Game' by Neil Strauss and many others, which helped raise my self-esteem and seduction skills (it's how I seduced the GF I had a very long-term relationship with). To me, punting feels like 'Anti-Game' and I am sorry if that offends anyone reading this. For the first time in years, I feel like I have found some light at the end of the tunnel.
I would love to hear your thoughts on my post, I appreciate the honest feedback but let's keep it respectful even if there are disagreements. This post has come from the heart and I apologise if it's not easy to read but I am not the best at communication.
