How conflicted are we?

[Davey80]

So as punters with wives or girlfriends how conflicted do we get?

I have never really got all the EAS topics on this forum as for me it is a strictly transactional, compartmentalised experience. I’ve conveniently rationalised it in my mind as akin to a fairground ride.

Like some others, I’m in a sexless marriage by now but I’m still completely in love with my wife.

How do we square this?  One concern at the back of my mind is a novel HPV variant and somehow giving her cervical cancer.

Does anyone else thing this hobby might be impeding an opportunity to repair the physical side of an otherwise loving relationship?

[alabama1]

So as punters with wives or girlfriends how conflicted do we get?

I have never really got all the EAS topics on this forum as for me it is a strictly transactional, compartmentalised experience. I’ve conveniently rationalised it in my mind as akin to a fairground ride.

Like some others, I’m in a sexless marriage by now but I’m still completely in love with my wife.

How do we square this?  One concern at the back of my mind is a novel HPV variant and somehow giving her cervical cancer.

Does anyone else thing this hobby might be impeding an opportunity to repair the physical side of an otherwise loving relationship?

Seriously, you have a sad future mate !

[Marmalade]

Well let’s try and reassure him a bit.

If you don’t have sex with your wife the chance of transmission is so far off the scale as to be in la-la land. Just google websites.

Secondly the large proportion of people have it at some time in their life and never know as there’s mostly no symptoms and it doesn’t become active. The CDC states that nearly all sexually active people will get HPV at some point in their life. So either of you could have got it even before you were married. The dormancy period can last for decades. 

This is probably reason why it’s not usually classed as an STI (unless you get symptoms).

If your wife is within the large age group (I think it’s 25-64) she should have been invited for standard cervical scans every two years anyway.

I’ve noticed some ultra-paranoid members only have massage + HE. If you can’t past feelings of paranoia that might be an option for you.


p.s. most of my posts are marked ‘edited’. This is not because I change my mind about anything, but because I find it’s easier to spot typos using my small-screen phone once they’re posted. This is normal on proofing and using a different font or display method. 

[Billy no mates]

My wife had it picked up she had HPV a couple of years ago during a standard smear, it cleared up, and she is now clear at the latest smear without any medication.

You may be over thinking things, and if that’s the case punting may not be for you.

[Eager Thighs]

One concern at the back of my mind is a novel HPV variant and somehow giving her cervical cancer.

As someone whose ex-missus was diagnosed with stage 2b cervical cancer I can relate to this. The 'treatment' was brutal and did more damage than the disease itself, granted without the treatment she would have ultimately died. She hadn't had many sexual partners before me and the guilt consumed me. I blamed myself for giving her the HPV that caused the cancer and still do. It affected her massively both physically and mentally, eventually leading to the break-up of our 10+ year relationship. I gave up punting when we got her diagnosis and didn't start again until years later, after we'd broken up. When I was punting while in a relationship with her I had no idea that HPV was the leading cause of cervical cancer. Fortunately there's a vaccine against HPV 16/18 available to the younger generation, ironically being trialled around the time my ex-missus was going through treatment.

[Southernbloke]

As someone whose ex-missus was diagnosed with stage 2b cervical cancer I can relate to this. The 'treatment' was brutal and did more damage than the disease itself, granted without the treatment she would have ultimately died. She hadn't had many sexual partners before me and the guilt consumed me. I blamed myself for giving her the HPV that caused the cancer and still do. It affected her massively both physically and mentally, eventually leading to the break-up of our 10+ year relationship. I gave up punting when we got her diagnosis and didn't start again until years later, after we'd broken up. When I was punting while in a relationship with her I had no idea that HPV was the leading cause of cervical cancer. Fortunately there's a vaccine against HPV 16/18 available to the younger generation, ironically being trialled around the time my ex-missus was going through treatment.

Without any presumption of your situation and also sending you condolences on the break up. Are you 100 percent sure you gave your ex the HPV that caused the cancer?
HPV can be passed through a variety of ways .
I don’t mean to cause offence and I hope you are okay 👍

[Eager Thighs]

Without any presumption of your situation and also sending you condolences on the break up. Are you 100 percent sure you gave your ex the HPV that caused the cancer?
HPV can be passed through a variety of ways .
I don’t mean to cause offence and I hope you are okay 👍

I am not 100% sure that I gave her the HPV and there's absolutely no way to tell for certain. It's the fact that I had many sexual partners while she had very few that led me to believe this. There are 2 strains of HPV that are responsible for the majority of cervical cancer and they are HPV16 and HPV18, I may be wrong but I've always been under the assumption that these 2 strains are mainly contracted through sexual activity, especially considering it ended up at the cervix site of my ex-partner. That being said most humans will contract HPV during their lifetime so it's easily possible she contracted it from someone else. It didn't stop me from blaming myself though.

[JontyR]

I am not 100% sure that I gave her the HPV and there's absolutely no way to tell for certain. It's the fact that I had many sexual partners while she had very few that led me to believe this. There are 2 strains of HPV that are responsible for the majority of cervical cancer and they are HPV16 and HPV18, I may be wrong but I've always been under the assumption that these 2 strains are mainly contracted through sexual activity, especially considering it ended up at the cervix site of my ex-partner. That being said most humans will contract HPV during their lifetime so it's easily possible she contracted it from someone else. It didn't stop me from blaming myself though.

Do you know that you carry or have ever carried HPV? And if you ever did know - how do you know she didn't pass it to you?

I get your worry, and in many ways it does you credit, but guilt is for the guilty. You need to stop beating yourself up about it.   

[Eager Thighs]

Do you know that you carry or have ever carried HPV? And if you ever did know - how do you know she didn't pass it to you?

I get your worry, and in many ways it does you credit, but guilt is for the guilty. You need to stop beating yourself up about it.

I'd say it's pretty much a dead cert that I 'had' the virus and chances are my body cleared it like most people. HPV16/18 are extremely contagious but most people will clear the virus within 2 years. For the unlucky few that don't clear the virus, both men and women, remain the risk of it causing complications further down the road. The last time I looked into it there was no reliable test for men to check for HPV16/18 active infection. The virus is so common it's pretty much accepted as a part of life like the common cold. Although things have got better I've found it very hard to forgive myself. My ex was left infertile in her early 30's with extensive damage to her internal organs thanks to both internal and external radiation that she received. She fell into a deep depression after that and felt guilty that she couldn't give me any more children, even though I assured her I was happy with our lot. She lost weight rapidly and was under 7-stone at one point even after the cancer was gone and she was 'cured'. It's a bitter pill to swallow knowing that I might have caused all of that. I do appreciate the support though. I never intended to get this deep into it but after reading OP's concerns it took me back to a very dark place.

[Lou2019]

Seriously, you have a sad future mate !

Harsh and rude as always, there could be many reasons why the marriage is sexless. His wife could have an illness or disability doesn’t mean he stops loving her.

[diver ted]

External Link/Members Only

Not sure if this is right place for this link but here it is
Of note, comedian Rhod Gilbert's cancer would probably have not occurred if he had had this jab. He raises this issue in his show and mentions that he has had senior NHS professionals in the audience often approach him afterwards as they are unaware that this jab can be administered and effective for both genders.

[Marmalade]

Apparently the effectiveness of the jab is age-related. Only offered if you’re below a certain age. So if you’re a young punter (or prossie) probably worth asking for it. Prossies may be eligible anyway (not sure if that isn’t a bit unfair to punters).

If you are under 45 and ask for it at a GUM clinic it seems you can get it if you tell them you’re gay or bi.
External Link/Members Only

(I doubt if telling older persons to go fuck themselves works as safe sex.)

[Strawberry]

Apparently the effectiveness of the jab is age-related. Only offered if you’re below a certain age. So if you’re a young punter (or prossie) probably worth asking for it. Prossies may be eligible anyway (not sure if that isn’t a bit unfair to punters).

If you are under 45 and ask for it at a GUM clinic it seems you can get it if you tell them you’re gay or bi.
External Link/Members Only

(I doubt if telling older persons to go fuck themselves works as safe sex.)

The vaccine can also be purchased, as I did shortly before I turned 45.

[Stevelondon]

p.s. most of my posts are marked ‘edited’. This is not because I change my mind about anything, but because I find it’s easier to spot typos using my small-screen phone once they’re posted. This is normal on proofing and using a different font or display method. 

Thank you Marmalade for that explanation. I for one was losing sleep as to why you edited so much. 😂😂

[mikef2008]

I've got similar concerns OP which is why I'm strictly an OW punter - yes, it's not as great as OWO but it's way safer

[nickcrowne666]

It’s a good discussion - and sad to see some members being completely dismissive of it.

I’m in a happy marriage and NOT sexless, although there have been long sexless moments (pregnancies, breastfeeding etc). Otherwise happy on that front.

It was in those moments when I started as a hobby, 9 out of 10 times just massage with HE but more recently other extras including FS.

I was perfectly able to compatmentalize it and rationalise it as a transactional physical relief that took nothing out of my commitment to the marriage (even told to myself that it probably helped by relieving that energy).

Until last week, when I had the condom breakage that I described on another thread. And I now question the whole thing, the fact that I exposed myself and the family to the risks in question, make me think the whole thing isn’t as simple as my mind was telling me. It’s unlikely that big consequences will show up in this case but the fact that I lost control over them made me change my point of view.

No moral lesson here, just how I’m feeling about it.

[mikef2008]

It’s a good discussion - and sad to see some members being completely dismissive of it.

I’m in a happy marriage and NOT sexless, although there have been long sexless moments (pregnancies, breastfeeding etc). Otherwise happy on that front.

It was in those moments when I started as a hobby, 9 out of 10 times just massage with HE but more recently other extras including FS.

I was perfectly able to compatmentalize it and rationalise it as a transactional physical relief that took nothing out of my commitment to the marriage (even told to myself that it probably helped by relieving that energy).

Until last week, when I had the condom breakage that I described on another thread. And I now question the whole thing, the fact that I exposed myself and the family to the risks in question, make me think the whole thing isn’t as simple as my mind was telling me. It’s unlikely that big consequences will show up in this case but the fact that I lost control over them made me change my point of view.

No moral lesson here, just how I’m feeling about it.

Sad to hear this. Hopefully it all works out well. In my experience, once you've been bitten by the punting bug it's hard to go back on the straight and narrow. But you might prove to be made of tougher stuff than me!!

[B4bcock]

In my experience, once you've been bitten by the punting bug it's hard to go back on the straight and narrow.

Very true.  And many of us find ourselves going deeper into it, seeking out experiences we never or seldom get at home.  It's a very slippery slope but I don't find myself fighting it too hard!   

[Chazz]

I think it's very easy to become normalised to punting, especially if you spend a lot of time on here. The danger comes when you become complacent and forget just how much of a shitstorm would rain down on your life if you were ever found out. 

[akauya]

I think it's very easy to become normalised to punting, especially if you spend a lot of time on here. The danger comes when you become complacent and forget just how much of a shitstorm would rain down on your life if you were ever found out. 

True that  😔

[Davey80]

I was perfectly able to compatmentalize it and rationalise it as a transactional physical relief that took nothing out of my commitment to the marriage (even told to myself that it probably helped by relieving that energy).

This is exactly how I have been viewing it too. What may have been missed from some in my OP comments was the thought that continuing with this hobby may be actively impeding any opportunity to repair the physical side of an otherwise great marriage.

It starting to feel a little stale in any event and I’m concerned I’ll drift into fetishes to try to keep it interesting.

Planning to Take some time out now for at least the next couple of months and I’d like to think I could put a wrap on it completely however addictive punting can be.

[PumpDump]

So as punters with wives or girlfriends how conflicted do we get?

I have never really got all the EAS topics on this forum as for me it is a strictly transactional, compartmentalised experience. I’ve conveniently rationalised it in my mind as akin to a fairground ride.

Like some others, I’m in a sexless marriage by now but I’m still completely in love with my wife.

How do we square this?  One concern at the back of my mind is a novel HPV variant and somehow giving her cervical cancer.

Does anyone else thing this hobby might be impeding an opportunity to repair the physical side of an otherwise loving relationship?

If your marriage is sexless then how can giving her an STI be a worry? Is it completely sexless or just not enough sex for your liking?

[Marmalade]

If your marriage is sexless then how can giving her an STI be a worry? Is it completely sexless or just not enough sex for your liking?

I did rather think that’s the elephant in the room.
It means the OP question doesn’t really make much sense.

[akauya]

If your marriage is sexless then how can giving her an STI be a worry? Is it completely sexless or just not enough sex for your liking?

By osmosis? Maybe when they are sitting next to each other to watch Eastenders   

[pantywetter]

I have not been married but had a number of long term relationships with have ended up with infrequent, vanilla sex.

Despite explaining that I need something better and pulling my weight from my side, it’s never really been forthcoming.

Therefore, I punt with a fairly clear conscience.  I don’t think women can realistically expect monogamy if they don’t put the effort in the bedroom.