For those whose wife knows about your punting ....

[mmmm]

OK, so my marriage of 15 years is really not very healthy. We row all the time and my punting is one of the few things that gives me happiness. She knows I'm not happy and that I choose to spend as little time with her as possible. However as we have a young child - and family law is so biased against Dad's in this country - I'm not even contemplating divorce for at least 10 years.

However my wife is starting to ask what I do on my frequent overnight trips, so pretty soon I suspect she is going to find out.

For those members here who told their wife, AND THEIR WIFE LEARNT TO ACCEPT IT, how did you do it ?  I'm hoping that my wife will at least be glad that I'm paying rather than having an affair, because an affair would (probably) mean feelings on the womans side and therefore competition for my wife. But I don't know: maybe my wife will be pissed off at the money I'm "wasting".

So any tips from people who've come to some kind of arrangement - however grudgingly - with their wife would be appreciated.

[Jonestown]

Perhaps you should have a look at the mumsnet related threads and then redouble the security around your punting activities, you have more chance of negotiation successfully with a charging elephant than a duped wife with a young child.

[mmmm]

Maybe, but my wife is not British - she is from a different culture, where women are more passive. If my wife was British, like most of the mumsnet nazis, I imagine I'd be totally fucked.  Even a French wife would be preferable to British I think, because French society accepts these things more.

[puntingpumping1920]

Know one knows who you are 
Your relationship history or your wife 
Your family dynamic
 
So how do you expect us to give you reasonable advice.
 
The only advice you want is to make yourself feel better, but you should get a divorce but you wont listen to that

[mmmm]

Re-read my post: I am asking for other peoples experiences ... I am not asking anyone to advise me what to do.

[Jonestown]

This is not a subject for an open punting forum, if you want to continue it you should take it to the relative security of the off topic section.

[puntingpumping1920]

Re-read my post: I am asking for other peoples experiences ... I am not asking anyone to advise me what to do.

So any tips from people who've come to some kind of arrangement - however grudgingly - with their wife would be appreciated.

 
Asking for tips is asking for advice for useful information especially about how to do something

[mcgee121]

OK, so my marriage of 15 years is really not very healthy. We row all the time and my punting is one of the few things that gives me happiness. She knows I'm not happy and that I choose to spend as little time with her as possible. However as we have a young child - and family law is so biased against Dad's in this country - I'm not even contemplating divorce for at least 10 years.

However my wife is starting to ask what I do on my frequent overnight trips, so pretty soon I suspect she is going to find out.

For those members here who told their wife, AND THEIR WIFE LEARNT TO ACCEPT IT, how did you do it ?  I'm hoping that my wife will at least be glad that I'm paying rather than having an affair, because an affair would (probably) mean feelings on the womans side and therefore competition for my wife. But I don't know: maybe my wife will be pissed off at the money I'm "wasting".

So any tips from people who've come to some kind of arrangement - however grudgingly - with their wife would be appreciated.

You state you do overnights and probably spend half your time with escorts whinging about your wife so it is a bit like having an affair.  It's not merely a half an hour or 1 hour fuck session.  You also stated that punting gives you happiness which is telling.

You've been with your wife 15 years so you're bound to have some EAS that will pass sooner than you think.  You don't know how crazy you sound stating that you want to stay in a toxic relationship for a further 10 years; kid and all.  You shouldn't stay in a bad situation because of fear.  If your wife is dependent on you she may accept it but if you get divorced she will use it against you and may even tell your kid about your escort activities.  I remember Paula Patton exposing Robin Thicke for getting happy endings from masseuses in her divorce battle.  Most women get spiteful as hell when you leave them. 

[mcgee121]

The only advice you want is to make yourself feel better, but you should get a divorce but you wont listen to that

+1

[Billy no mates]

My wife suggested it to me, years ago. I doubt I could have swung it, the idea had to come from her.

[mediumjoe]

 Less than one in half a million chance of her being happy about it or accepting it- don't care where she is from she's a woman.  Listen to the advice on here, it just ain't gonna work, I was afraid to leave mine  for too long. So it's either put up or shut up,  if you leave it too long you won't  be able to start back on the housing ladder. 

[sxround]

If you tell her you are fucked.

End of.

[Thecunninglinguist]

If she gets to find out, your punting dilemma will be sorted for you. She won't leave you with enough to afford it.

[kamu]

Ask her if she would consider a 3some? If the answer is no then probably best to just to divorce her now.

[webpunter]

+1
There is a world of difference between them suspecting & knowing
The list of reasons for not admitting to it are endless
Not just presently but also going forward.  Get your crystal ball out
For example:  if you [the OP] do split up - which is odds on [when rather than if] - then should you meet someone else then you can bet that your ex-wife will take great pleasure in telling your new burd that you've admitted to punting.  With the new burd you'll probably reduce punting activities / knock things on the head.  At least for a while.  If the ex-wife has only circumstancial evidence then much less likely that she'll mention.  And much easier to fend this off.  If the new burd knows / suspects you are fucked   

If you tell her you are fucked.

End of.

[Sedition]

If you tell her you are fucked.

End of.

Again.
Just in case this isn't getting through to you.

[BlueRock]

I was told to "fuck off an see an escort" in an argument and I think she suspected I was punting as she often said "will you be seeing a prostitute" when I went away with work. She may of been OK with the notion but I doubt she would of been with a definite fact, so no way tell her. Its a miserable life being stuck in a sexless relationship even if you still get along as we did. Either try and repair it or leave. Luckily I was never persuaded to have kids or get married.

[Si198]

I'm no expert but I would of thought if you told her and you eventually get divorced she would be able to swing more money from you as your paying for sex.

If it went to court I'm fairly certain a judge would go more in her favour even though paying for sex from an independent prossie isn't illegal some wouldn't find it acceptable behaviour.

Doesn't sound like your in a win win situation surely your better off fixing your marriage or leaving her rather than keep fucking around in fear?

[wheeliebinwanking]

I can kinda of see where the OP is coming from with this question, but the fact is especially in UK this sort of arrangement is simply NOT acceptable. So I don't see the point of even asking. Not many members will have this arrangement. Heck I am sure many an OH, will suspect and even maybe OK with it. But it will not be out in the open.

It maybe better for you to make some sort of peace with yourself, as I have learnt to do as I am also in a sexless marriage (with offspring)

I am absolutely staying put, sex isn't the be all and end all so I'll do my ducking and a diving and keep myself sane by seeing other ladies (SB's, Masseuses, WG's) I don't often get the oppurtunity but it's fine with me. When it does, I will get my fix and carry on


WBW

[NoStringsFun]

If you tell her you are fucked.

End of.

I'm in agreement with sxround. Don't tell her you punt. You will likely look worse off when it does come to the divorce.

By the way I'm divorced and would suggest you seriously consider a divorce now rather than later. Why spend all that time being unhappy, your kid will pick up on it. You can still be a good parent without having to be in an unhappy relationship.

[wheeliebinwanking]

I'm in agreement with sxround. Don't tell her you punt. You will likely look worse off when it does come to the divorce.

By the way I'm divorced and would suggest you seriously consider a divorce now rather than later. Why spend all that time being unhappy, your kid will pick up on it. You can still be a good parent without having to be in an unhappy relationship.

I agree, I am perhaps different in that I am not unhappy but just not sexually fulfilled (not getting any!) so I would see zero reason to divorce. Depends how truly unhappy OP really is

WBW

[Randy Mcknob]

My question is why do you want her to know?  If you're careful there's no need for her to find out, even if she suspects it's not the same as having proof.  I'm not sure a family court would look at you punting that harshly.  They tend to not want to see a couples dirty linen.  It might reflect badly on your wife if she tried to make a big thing of it.  If you work 9-5 5 days plus travel away, then you're not in a position to have your kid a lot after a divorce.  A family court would want you to be a big part of your kids life but if you're not able to make time you won't get the time.  Avoiding your wife is maybe reducing the time you spend with your kid already, but you need that to be really strong so your lawyer can demonstrate what an amazing Dad you are.  Having gone through an ugly divorce I came to see the family courts as a game you just have to stay in the game and grind away.  I'm truly sorry to hear the situation you're in.  My advice would be go see a lawyer even if you're not ready to push the button till years down the line.  Finding out what the likely outcome would be financially, custody wise & the implications of your wife being not British.  Also the implications of staying in the relationship.  A lawyer would also be able to tell you how your whoring would be viewed better than this forum.

I'm still interested to hear why you want her to know?  I'd worry that she'd feel humiliated, I don't see much point in doing that.

[Bob26]

OMG - you absolutely can't tell her. You will be totally screwed if you do!!!

[mcgee121]

I agree, I am perhaps different in that I am not unhappy but just not sexually fulfilled (not getting any!) so I would see zero reason to divorce. ...

I think you are unhappy.  I think it's easy to delude yourself in the mist of a relationship.  You should touch her everyday, right?  Kissing, hugging and pinching her bum etc.  Sex to me is a form of communication and is vital for a relationship unless both parties lose interest in sex or there is some medical reason for a lack of libido.  She can at least give you an hj and some head from time to time.  For the sex, to fizzle out completely, I guess she may have let herself go a little bit like a lot of wives do so you have lost a bit of interest in her too.  You're content because maybe you feel you have no better options to replace her.  It's also, telling that you stated you weren't unhappy as opposed to stating you were happy.

[mrhappypants]

OP, It took me five years to find the right way to have the conversation you are describing and I think it also depends on the character of you and your wife, and the deal your marriage is built on.

The breakthrough for me was finding the right moment, the right tone and the right question. Our marriage had been almost completely sexless for five years - I tried everything. One evening when I was feeling chilled and teasing her gently about the lack of sex in our relationship I asked her, with warmth and without blame, that she could not think it was fair to me that there was no sex.  She conceded that was not fair. We agreed to both think about it and continue the conversation.

What was important to my wife was

1) she trusted I was and would be honest
2) I promised not to do anything that would threaten the security of our family. My starting point that we both had a huge vested interest in making our marriage work - emotionally, financially but most importantly for the sake of our kids
3) We discussed and agreed a solution (we discussed an open marriage but I could not see it working), consider the cost of punting is a minute fraction of the cost of a divorce
4) Be discrete. I promised not to discuss the arrangement with anyone, particularly our family or friends, protecting her pride and not humiliating her either in public or private is VERY important - so find tactful ways of negotiating boundaries and "you" (i.e. Punting) time and keep your mouth shut.
5) We agreed to try it and see
6) We agreed it was not something we would have as an ongoing discussion - so I am not "rubbing her nose in it."

I suspect most  wives are typically much more bothered by the deception and humiliation than they are about the sex. 

[mmmm]

OP, It took me five years to find the right way to have the conversation you are describing and I think it also depends on the character of you and your wife, and the deal your marriage is built on.

Thanks a lot for your post. I knew that some people here had such an arrangement, even though virtually every other person who's replied her has said it would be nigh impossible. I have to take on board the fact that most people are telling me to keep my mouth shut, but it's good to hear how you managed it.

[wheeliebinwanking]

I think you are unhappy.  I think it's easy to delude yourself in the mist of a relationship.  You should touch her everyday, right?  Kissing, hugging and pinching her bum etc.  Sex to me is a form of communication and is vital for a relationship unless both parties lose interest in sex or there is some medical reason for a lack of libido.  She can at least give you an hj and some head from time to time.  For the sex, to fizzle out completely, I guess she may have let herself go a little bit like a lot of wives do so you have lost a bit of interest in her too.  You're content because maybe you feel you have no better options to replace her.  It's also, telling that you stated you weren't unhappy as opposed to stating you were happy.

You make some very good points McGee and by all means you can come to the conclusions you do.

I stated I wasn't unhappy on the whole because most guys who aren't having sex with their wives wouldn't typically be happy imo. I am close to my OH, kissing, cuddling, bottom pinching, etc all in place. But no sex. There are some reasons as to why this has happened which I won't go into with you. But essentially there is nothing stopping me and my wife having sex now or me getting HJ/BJ, etc. Whilst we were dating this was par for the course but like man married men or those in LTR these treats often fizzle away. It takes two to tango but I am just accepting that my OH has lost her libido after child birth (she hasn't let herself go..), it happens hence why many guys fool around.

I actually posted a topic about it a while back and many members came out of the woodwork to contribute to a rather interesting 8 page thread. I also received a whole bunch of PM's with other members sharing their experiences.

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=70784.0

Have a read..perhaps I am deluded but I am simply comfortable with my lot and what I need to seek. I am not going to divorce my soul mate purely because I am not getting sex, hj,bj, etc...I am also not unhappy. I do understand why some guys get there and I am not foolish enough to think it may never catch up with me some point (maybe if I haven't had sex for multiples of years....for now it's 5 months). But for now I am happy enough fool around getting HE's from masseuses's and maintaining a very casual relationship with a SB I see every few months.

WBW

[wheeliebinwanking]

Thanks a lot for your post. I knew that some people here had such an arrangement, even though virtually every other person who's replied her has said it would be nigh impossible. I have to take on board the fact that most people are telling me to keep my mouth shut, but it's good to hear how you managed it.

It really depends on your wife and your own personal circumstances. But it was very useful for mrhappy to share his own experience

WBW

[mcgee121]

You make some very good points McGee and by all means you can come to the conclusions you do.

I stated I wasn't unhappy on the whole because most guys who aren't having sex with their wives wouldn't typically be happy imo. I am close to my OH, kissing, cuddling, bottom pinching, etc all in place. But no sex. There are some reasons as to why this has happened which I won't go into with you. But essentially there is nothing stopping me and my wife having sex now or me getting HJ/BJ, etc. Whilst we were dating this was par for the course but like man married men or those in LTR these treats often fizzle away. It takes two to tango but I am just accepting that my OH has lost her libido after child birth (she hasn't let herself go..), it happens hence why many guys fool around.

I actually posted a topic about it a while back and many members came out of the woodwork to contribute to a rather interesting 8 page thread. I also received a whole bunch of PM's with other members sharing their experiences.

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=70784.0

Have a read..perhaps I am deluded but I am simply comfortable with my lot and what I need to seek. I am not going to divorce my soul mate purely because I am not getting sex, hj,bj, etc...I am also not unhappy. I do understand why some guys get there and I am not foolish enough to think it may never catch up with me some point (maybe if I haven't had sex for multiples of years....for now it's 5 months). But for now I am happy enough fool around getting HE's from masseuses's and maintaining a very casual relationship with a SB I see every few months.

WBW

I'll definitely check out your thread.  I never implied that you should get a divorce.  People often use phrases like "soul mates" in a romantic way which is an empty phrase that merely sounds good.  What it should mean in practice is that you can "share your world" with another person.  If that's the case then talking about sex should be a small fry issue.  If you find that difficult then you should both get counseling about it.  People cheat for various reasons but if the cheater isn't getting anything at home then it's out of necessity.   

[bigmanbigman]

Each to their own you may work some thing  you may not
But women are fickle beast's they can change in an instant and forget in a second beaware of that .

[wheeliebinwanking]

I'll definitely check out your thread.  I never implied that you should get a divorce.  People often use phrases like "soul mates" in a romantic way which is an empty phrase that merely sounds good.  What it should mean in practice is that you can "share your world" with another person.  If that's the case then talking about sex should be a small fry issue.  If you find that difficult then you should both get counseling about it.  People cheat for various reasons but if the cheater isn't getting anything at home then it's out of necessity.

Cheers for the reply. I would say my cheating is indeed out of necessity but hey ho..

We've talked about and it's a known known (the lack of sex) but due to some things in the pass I have given my wife a pass and I will not push her for sexual contact, I am sure she's delighted as she doesn't seem to care even for herself... . We'll need to sit down and talk about it again but there are reasons why we won't for the time being.

WBW

[HarryZZ]

Thanks a lot for your post. I knew that some people here had such an arrangement, even though virtually every other person who's replied her has said it would be nigh impossible. I have to take on board the fact that most people are telling me to keep my mouth shut, but it's good to hear how you managed it.

It depends how your relationship is, if your marriage is shot then get out, if you both want to remain married for whatever reason then you both will have to accept some compromises, it appears to be a one sided arrangement if one of you wants sex and the other doesn't. At the right moment suggest sex, if it is refused then ask what she suggests you do explaining that it's not fair if one part wants sex and the other doesn't and the status quo is always to not have sex, either you come to some sort of arrangement where she puts out on some sort of scheduled arrangement, weekly, monthly or what ever you decide, or you'll have to seek other outlets. In your favour if you state that you want to keep the marriage together then an affair is potentially more destructive than a whore, if you ask how she wants to proceed then it's her decision, just saying that you are never allowed to have sex again is not an option.

[ruggedscot]

no no no.... never ever tell her, that would be the biggest mistake you could make, maybe she is waiting for the golden key, the one that will unlock the marriage and set her free. if she gets that then she would be on a winner, can you imagine the courts ? they would take her side, he frequents prostitutes, we had a terrible sex life with a disgusting list of depravity and I want out. As soon as your sexual deviance is drawn into question she would get custody and you would be limited with access, possibly supervised as you are a sex pest etc etc...

So no never ever let them know. 

[bigmanbigman]

If its done get out it wont improve in 2/5/10/15 years time.

[Desimonic]

I guess my missus suspects and like the OP , she is from a different culture.
As long as i come home after, she tolerates it , as she knows i won't leave her.
Maybe they should improve or be more pro active in the bedroom department, we men won't go punting.

I would never tell her thou and won't admit it.

Just my 2 cents
 

[Pondy]

I wouldnt say a word, a couple of years ago my oh found my ipad which had been left on a adultwork page, i told her it was a mate of mine which had been to see her and i was just curious, she believed me, however because of our lack of sex i think she is just ignoring the obvious. Dont rock the boat friend.  Its not worth it

[webpunter]

+1

the OH would conveniently miss off the fact that as she turned the sex taps off then this was why he fell into such 'depravity'
Doubt if any issues with access however it would definitely add ££ to the settlement

no no no.... never ever tell her, that would be the biggest mistake you could make, maybe she is waiting for the golden key, the one that will unlock the marriage and set her free. if she gets that then she would be on a winner, can you imagine the courts ? they would take her side, he frequents prostitutes, we had a terrible sex life with a disgusting list of depravity and I want out. As soon as your sexual deviance is drawn into question she would get custody and you would be limited with access, possibly supervised as you are a sex pest etc etc...

So no never ever let them know. 

[PhilUrup]

I told my wife on an occasion when we'd both been drinking too much. It was a HUGE mistake. The years of torment that I experienced got worse. She didn't divorce me - but the arguments doubled in magnitude and frequency and the adultery became her trump card against me. Furthermore she insisted on monitoring all my personal expenses which meant it was impossible to continue with punting - or indeed any other form of enjoyment that she might frown upon.

Now some people here have given you some incorrect information that I'll take the opportunity to put right.

Firstly, adultery can only be used as grounds for divorce if it occurred within 6 months of the filing for divorce. If you've been together without cheating for 6 months it's assumed that the marriage is generally OK and she'll have to find another excuse to dump you.

Secondly - the courts don't care what you apparently got up to when you divorced. Who knows the truth anyway? They have guidelines on how to settle a divorce and they tend to stick with them unless you're stinking rich - in which case you tend to get off lighter than the average Joe. The real costs are the legal costs. My divorce was amicable and I didn't use a lawyer - I still had to pay £7500 in her legals fees! Fight over a financial settlement and it can cost you £20,000 easy. Fight over child custody and it could cost you £100,000.

Thirdly - she might try to use the fact that you were seeing prozzies to deny you access to your kid because obviously you're a sex perv and shouldn't be anyway near your daughter. The family courts do get nervous about this.

Fourthly - if your wife is not working and you pay for everything, I can tell you that divorce after many years of marriage is FUCKING EXPENSIVE! I got divorced from my lazy, good for nothing wife after 20 years. Half of 20 years work is a painfully large amount of money to lose - and I've got fuck all time left to make up the lost money I lost before I'm too old to work. Divorce after a couple of years marriage is a lot cheaper. You've already been together 15 years and you're going to stay with her another 10? Well I hope she's paying her share and you married young then, because it will cost you and most of your working life wasted on her. Otherwise you'll be desperately looking for a rich widow.

Fifthly: Notwithstanding the above the best decision I made was to stick with my wife till my kids were old enough to decide which parent to live with. As it is they resented me leaving and having to be her shoulder to cry on and pick up the pieces when the lazy bitch couldn't be arsed to do anything. Bear in mind that many women end up at the local nightclub picking up the local dross single men - psychos and stalkers many of them - and bringing them home to meet your kids and then the kids end up taking his surname. Not a nice thought.


So in summary, given that I've been through a similar experience I would say give up punting and do what you can to make the best out of the marriage and be a great Dad. It's not really worth the risk, given the level of commitment you've made already. Your kid won't be impressed if he/she thinks you were fucking prozzies as a hobby and your ex will make the most of that believe me. The bitch you're married to will probably calm down after menopause and the kids have left and she's suffering from empty-nest syndrome. If you need to get divorced then do so after your kid is at least 13+ and move to a place within walking distance of your ex's home (but rent - don't buy because the bitch might move).

[webpunter]

+1 sound advice

I told my wife on an occasion when we'd both been drinking too much. It was a HUGE mistake. The years of torment that I experienced got worse. She didn't divorce me - but the arguments doubled in magnitude and frequency and the adultery became her trump card against me. Furthermore she insisted on monitoring all my personal expenses which meant it was impossible to continue with punting - or indeed any other form of enjoyment that she might frown upon.

Now some people here have given you some incorrect information that I'll take the opportunity to put right.

Firstly, adultery can only be used as grounds for divorce if it occurred within 6 months of the filing for divorce. If you've been together without cheating for 6 months it's assumed that the marriage is generally OK and she'll have to find another excuse to dump you.

Secondly - the courts don't care what you apparently got up to when you divorced. Who knows the truth anyway? They have guidelines on how to settle a divorce and they tend to stick with them unless you're stinking rich - in which case you tend to get off lighter than the average Joe. The real costs are the legal costs. My divorce was amicable and I didn't use a lawyer - I still had to pay £7500 in her legals fees! Fight over a financial settlement and it can cost you £20,000 easy. Fight over child custody and it could cost you £100,000.

Thirdly - she might try to use the fact that you were seeing prozzies to deny you access to your kid because obviously you're a sex perv and shouldn't be anyway near your daughter. The family courts do get nervous about this.

Fourthly - if your wife is not working and you pay for everything, I can tell you that divorce after many years of marriage is FUCKING EXPENSIVE! I got divorced from my lazy, good for nothing wife after 20 years. Half of 20 years work is a painfully large amount of money to lose - and I've got fuck all time left to make up the lost money I lost before I'm too old to work. Divorce after a couple of years marriage is a lot cheaper. You've already been together 15 years and you're going to stay with her another 10? Well I hope she's paying her share and you married young then, because it will cost you and most of your working life wasted on her. Otherwise you'll be desperately looking for a rich widow.

Fifthly: Notwithstanding the above the best decision I made was to stick with my wife till my kids were old enough to decide which parent to live with. As it is they resented me leaving and having to be her shoulder to cry on and pick up the pieces when the lazy bitch couldn't be arsed to do anything. Bear in mind that many women end up at the local nightclub picking up the local dross single men - psychos and stalkers many of them - and bringing them home to meet your kids and then the kids end up taking his surname. Not a nice thought.


So in summary, given that I've been through a similar experience I would say give up punting and do what you can to make the best out of the marriage and be a great Dad. It's not really worth the risk, given the level of commitment you've made already. Your kid won't be impressed if he/she thinks you were fucking prozzies as a hobby and your ex will make the most of that believe me. The bitch you're married to will probably calm down after menopause and the kids have left and she's suffering from empty-nest syndrome. If you need to get divorced then do so after your kid is at least 13+ and move to a place within walking distance of your ex's home (but rent - don't buy because the bitch might move).

[Knny]

Well put Phil.  Thanks.

[MrMatrix]

I told my wife on an occasion when we'd both been drinking too much. It was a HUGE mistake. The years of torment that I experienced got worse. She didn't divorce me - but the arguments doubled in magnitude and frequency and the adultery became her trump card against me. Furthermore she insisted on monitoring all my personal expenses which meant it was impossible to continue with punting - or indeed any other form of enjoyment that she might frown upon.

Now some people here have given you some incorrect information that I'll take the opportunity to put right.

Firstly, adultery can only be used as grounds for divorce if it occurred within 6 months of the filing for divorce. If you've been together without cheating for 6 months it's assumed that the marriage is generally OK and she'll have to find another excuse to dump you.

Secondly - the courts don't care what you apparently got up to when you divorced. Who knows the truth anyway? They have guidelines on how to settle a divorce and they tend to stick with them unless you're stinking rich - in which case you tend to get off lighter than the average Joe. The real costs are the legal costs. My divorce was amicable and I didn't use a lawyer - I still had to pay £7500 in her legals fees! Fight over a financial settlement and it can cost you £20,000 easy. Fight over child custody and it could cost you £100,000.

Thirdly - she might try to use the fact that you were seeing prozzies to deny you access to your kid because obviously you're a sex perv and shouldn't be anyway near your daughter. The family courts do get nervous about this.

Fourthly - if your wife is not working and you pay for everything, I can tell you that divorce after many years of marriage is FUCKING EXPENSIVE! I got divorced from my lazy, good for nothing wife after 20 years. Half of 20 years work is a painfully large amount of money to lose - and I've got fuck all time left to make up the lost money I lost before I'm too old to work. Divorce after a couple of years marriage is a lot cheaper. You've already been together 15 years and you're going to stay with her another 10? Well I hope she's paying her share and you married young then, because it will cost you and most of your working life wasted on her. Otherwise you'll be desperately looking for a rich widow.

Fifthly: Notwithstanding the above the best decision I made was to stick with my wife till my kids were old enough to decide which parent to live with. As it is they resented me leaving and having to be her shoulder to cry on and pick up the pieces when the lazy bitch couldn't be arsed to do anything. Bear in mind that many women end up at the local nightclub picking up the local dross single men - psychos and stalkers many of them - and bringing them home to meet your kids and then the kids end up taking his surname. Not a nice thought.


So in summary, given that I've been through a similar experience I would say give up punting and do what you can to make the best out of the marriage and be a great Dad. It's not really worth the risk, given the level of commitment you've made already. Your kid won't be impressed if he/she thinks you were fucking prozzies as a hobby and your ex will make the most of that believe me. The bitch you're married to will probably calm down after menopause and the kids have left and she's suffering from empty-nest syndrome. If you need to get divorced then do so after your kid is at least 13+ and move to a place within walking distance of your ex's home (but rent - don't buy because the bitch might move).

Sound advice- sorry you've had to go through all this shit. Would you get married again????

[RichardTheThird]

I agree with those who say don't tell. 

The first rule of punting is DO NOT TELL ANYONE EVER.  You leave yourself wide open in so many ways - not all of which are immediately obvious.  Remember once someone knows, they know forever.

[MrMatrix]

I agree with those who say don't tell. 

The first rule of punting is DO NOT TELL ANYONE EVER.  You leave yourself wide open in so many ways - not all of which are immediately obvious.  Remember once someone knows, they know forever.

How true. Theres a couple of people I wish I'd never told, despite the fact they have played away. It strikes me punting is an unacceptable past time to the world at large.
OP dont tell OH at all. If you are going to leave  leave without telling her. Or stay but dont tell her. And yes I have you T shirt and have been wearing it a hell of a lot longer than you. The forum is giving you sound advice mate. Best of luck.

[webpunter]

Wise words

OP - if you even hint at hookering YOU WILL BE RIGHT ROYALLY FUCKED

How true. Theres a couple of people I wish I'd never told, despite the fact they have played away. It strikes me punting is an unacceptable past time to the world at large.
OP dont tell OH at all. If you are going to leave  leave without telling her. Or stay but dont tell her. And yes I have you T shirt and have been wearing it a hell of a lot longer than you. The forum is giving you sound advice mate. Best of luck.

[SJ772]

I think in this instance for once it is better to ask for permission than forgiveness, if you have a few years under the belt, don't go there. Approach it from the position that there are no indiscretions but you want to come to an arrangement for fixing what is lacking, do not admit to 5 years of punting, it's a mumsnet classic in the making.

[jamesf89]

Don't tell her... not unless you want your home life situation to become even worse!

Double up on security and start coming up with some better excuses 

[Schuey]

Agree with much of the previous postings but I would ask your OH if she'd agree to see a Relate Councillor via your GP.  I would try and introduce the subject as you are concerned about her health - although a GP can't discuss another patient but you could ask for advice or say you're stressed because of it and you don't know what to do about it...

As advised though DO NOT tell the OH about your pastime...

[MrMatrix]

At some of the larger GUM clinics they do provide counsellors for couples whose sex lives have broken down. I found them very supportive when I used them. You should try this.
I did discuss with my OH 3 years ago about having a fuck buddy. Her concern is that I'd tell every one. But more interestingly she didn't say no. So I view the 27 year old I saw last week was my fuck buddy for that week. Got to find another one for next week now.... 

[webpunter]

Priceless.  If the OH found out that you had a different fuckbuddy most times she'd chuck her toys outta the pram 
Why on earth would she think that you'd tell anyone ?

I did discuss with my OH 3 years ago about having a fuck buddy. Her concern is that I'd tell every one. But more interestingly she didn't say no. So I view the 27 year old I saw last week was my fuck buddy for that week. Got to find another one for next week now.... 

[nten]

If she finds out, give up all hope of seeing your kids for any valuable length of time. A divorce lawyer dreams of cases like this.