The joke thread

[winkywanky]

On Friday the Chinese Embassy in Tel Aviv criticised Israel. On Saturday the ambassador was found dead in bed from ''natural causes''. 

Couldn't make it up, could you?

I think the one thing to take from this, is you should never piss off Mossad by dissing the Israelis 

[mr.bluesky]

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia whilst trecking across Antartica. Medics who found him say "he needed a second coat "

[Ahalfa Carling]

It just gets better...
The new Bill and Ted film is released on 21.08.2020.
21 + 8 + 20 + 20 = 69, dudes! X

[sparkus]

It just gets better...
The new Bill and Ted film is released on 21.08.2020.
21 + 8 + 20 + 20 = 69, dudes! X

Excellent!

(though the trailer looked shit and I hate having my childhood trashed)

[Xtro]

(July 4th) - A man walks into a pub..... Hooray!

The FBI have apologised for the delay in arresting Ghislaine Maxwell.
Apparently, no one knew how to pronounce her name!

Mocked for being dyslexic?
Been there, done that, got the tree shit.

The two prison guards tasked with keeping a close eye on Mrs. Maxwell have been given a special dispensation allowing them to bring their Labradors to work.

A new business has just opened up around the corner from my house. It's half osteopath clinic, half hessian store.
It's called "Crack Back n Sack"

Barbers and public toilets both open to the public........Experts predict a record amount of number 2’s today.

[winkywanky]

The two prison guards tasked with keeping a close eye on Mrs. Maxwell have been given a special dispensation allowing them to bring their Labradors to work.

Is she up on a Bestiality charge too? 

[Xtro]

Is she up on a Bestiality charge too? 

Noooooo..... They are blind men.   

Speaking of which... (and we are on the joke thread)......

Blind man to his old wife, "Are you wearing flip flops?"
"No," she replied, "I'm not wearing my bra."

A woman is washing herself in the bath when a man knocks on the bathroom door “dont come in im naked!” she screams.
“Its alright love im a blind man” he replies.
“oh thats ok then, do come in”.
He walks in and go's over to the window and says “nice tits love!, now where do you want these blinds?”

A blind man with a guide dog walks into a shop, he then grabs the dog by the tail and starts spinning it round.
The shop owner says "can I help you?" and the man answers "no I'm alright, just having a look round."

One day a blind man went to visit a brothel for the first time.
 Because he couldn't see the ladies who were on offer he ended up with a pox ridden old hag.
When they got to the room upstairs they both undressed and got into bed.
As he ran his hand over her spotty arse he recoiled in horror!
"It's okay" she said "It's just a bit of acne."
"Thank fuck for that", he replied, "I thought it was the price list!"

A blind man takes his blow-up doll to a crowded beach.
The lifeguard sees him and comes over: "You can't come here with a blow-up doll!"
"Shit," says the blind guy, "That means I've been fucking my rubber dinghy all winter."

[mr.bluesky]

My girlfriend says ' a small cock shouldn't affect our sex life' She's right, but I still prefer it if she didn't have one

After landing myself in jail , I spent the next hour getting relentlessly  bummed. Sometimes I think my Uncle takes Monopoly far too seriously 

[Animalbeast]

How do you make your wife scream during sex ?

Phone her and tell her

[kuck]

Hidden Image/Members Only

[Waterhouse]

Hidden Image/Members Only

[Keema]

How do you make your wife scream during sex ?

Phone her and tell her

How do you make your wife scream after sex ?

Wipe your dick on the curtains

[Xtro]

I've just read a book about an immortal dog.   
It was impossible to put down.


I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.   
My life is all specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

[hullad]

Anone got a spare strap on ??

I can take it or leave it

[kuck]

Is this guy being pranked?
External Link/Members Only

[hullad]

Many years ago I went to a picnic with Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate.

 It started with a quiche.

[Waterhouse]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mam through?” The girl, crying, replied "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!?  Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family". "Okay, Dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give me Mam this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million".
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad, a prostitute! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[sparkus]

Many years ago I went to a picnic with Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate.

 It started with a quiche.

But that doesn't even rhyme!

It'd work as "Before he got his big break with Hot Chocolate, Errol Brown was a rockabilly.  It started with a quiff."

[Xtro]

It's now over 5 years since Errol Brown died.

You don't remember him do you?

[sparkus]

It's now over 5 years since Errol Brown died.

You don't remember him do you?

 

There's no doubt about it.

[Steve2]

There's no doubt about it.

You sexy thing 

[sparkus]

You sexy thing 

Hey, everyone's a winner in this thread (that's no lie)

[Steve2]

Hey, everyone's a winner in this thread (that's no lie)

Heaven Is In the Back Seat of My Cadillac

[hullad]

It's now over 5 years since Errol Brown died.

You don't remember him do you?

I do remember him

It's a flicking joke ffs

Anyway

 Do sadomachocists get a fair crack of whip ??

[sparkus]

I do remember him

It's a flicking joke ffs

Anyway

 Do sadomachocists get a fair crack of whip ??

I guess you didn't see what he did there?

[Xtro]

I guess you didn't see what he did there?

I doubt he'd get it, even if you wrote it high on that silver screen.   

[maxxblue]

I do remember him

It's a flicking joke ffs

Anyway

 Do sadomachocists get a fair crack of whip ??

Oh no!

[Bonker]

I liked this thread, I never thought it would come to this.

[sparkus]

I liked this thread, I never thought it would come to this.

I see what you did there too

As I said: External Link/Members Only
(visuals are like ELO crossed with Clockwork Orange)

[Xtro]

I see what you did there too

As I said: External Link/Members Only
(visuals are like ELO crossed with Clockwork Orange)

A quick bit of research.....
Harvey Hinsley, the guitarist in Hot Chocolate, (when interviewed), said, "....on Every 1' a winner I used the first Roland guitar synth[1978] with the les paul type guitar-the GR500".

Something like this -
GUITAR SYNTHESIZER ORIGINAL HOLY GRAIL THE ROLAND GR500 - External Link/Members Only

[hullad]

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time ??

[sparkus]

A quick bit of research.....
Harvey Hinsley, the guitarist in Hot Chocolate, (when interviewed), said, "....on Every 1' a winner I used the first Roland guitar synth[1978] with the les paul type guitar-the GR500".

Something like this -
GUITAR SYNTHESIZER ORIGINAL HOLY GRAIL THE ROLAND GR500 - External Link/Members Only

Interesting vid
There's not much about Hinsley on the web but it seems he worked with Chas and Dave early on the session world before they all struck out for fame: External Link/Members Only

If anyone thinks we've derailed/hijacked the thread, well I don't care, I don't care.

[Steve2]

When I worked with them back in 1985/6/7 The line up was Errol, Patrick, Larry, Tony and another (not Harvey)

[winkywanky]

It's now over 5 years since Errol Brown died.

You don't remember him do you?

 

[bhudda]

When I worked with them back in 1985/6/7 The line up was Errol, Patrick, Larry, Tony and another (not Harvey)

Were you the other?

[Steve2]

Were you the other?

Unfortunately not

[Littlefoot]

One day little Jonnys teacher says to him, “little Jonny, tell me a story with a moral in it.” Jonny replies, “there’s a horse and a chicken playing in a meadow, when the horse falls in quicksand. The horse shouts to the chicken, hurry up, hurry up go get the farmer to get me out of here!” Chicken runs back to the farm and the farmers no where to be seen. So he takes the BMW, backs it up to the quicksand, throws a rope to the horse and ties the other end round the bumper. Pulls the horse out and horse is eternally grateful. Couple of days later chicken falls in the same quicksand, and shouts out to the horse “hurry up, hurry up go get the farmer to get me out of here!” Horse thinks, hold on a sec I can stand over this quicksand. So stands over it and says to the chicken “grab hold of my penis!” So chicken grabs hold of horses penis and horse pulls him out.

Teacher says “that’s a great story Jonny but what’s the moral of the story?”

“The moral is,” Jonny says, “if you’re hung like a horse you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.”

[mr.bluesky]

Never try cooking in the nude like I once did . Not only did the chip fat splash all over me it also cost me my job at McDonalds

[Xtro]

The inventor of the crossword puzzle lives near me. He's three streets across and two down.

Katie Price has broken both ankles. Where's she going to keep her knickers now?

I've just played Thai roulette. It's like Russian roulette, you pick from six brides, but one has a loaded weapon.

I went into the off license at luchtime.
"I'm terribly sorry," I said. "I've forgotten to bring my facemask."
"That's OK," smiled the cashier. "We get that a lot."
"Oh, good," I replied. "But I didn't forget to bring my gun, this is a stickup."

I've successfully crossed a Jack Russell with a Shih Tzu. I don't know whether to call it a Shit Russell or a Jack Shit.

Olivia De Havilland, of Gone With The Wind fame, has died aged 104. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

[winkywanky]

I've just played Thai roulette. It's like Russian roulette, you pick from six brides, but one has a loaded weapon.

  

[mr.bluesky]

Just bought myself one of those bush strimmers. It's brilliant. Cutting hedge technology

[bhudda]

Just bought myself one of those bush strimmers. It's brilliant. Cutting hedge technology

Just be careful you dont castrate yourself if youre trimming your bush with ine of thise things

[kuck]

My lockdown home improvement results.

Hidden Image/Members Only

[Ahalfa Carling]

I am setting up the "National Procrastination Society" this afternoon.

Just going to do the dishes then hoover the floor first....

[Waterhouse]

I am setting up the "National Procrastination Society" this afternoon.

Just going to do the dishes then hoover the floor first....

Hidden Image/Members Only

[kuck]

Weather: More heavy showers across Essex overnight External Link/Members Only

Hidden Image/Members Only

External Link/Members Only

[Animalbeast]

People find it so sweet that after 3 years of being with my gf I always call here babe.... truth be told I forgot her name on our 2nd date and didn’t want to ruin it by asking her

[Steve2]

 

Hidden Image/Members Only

[chrishornx]

I honestly thought you meant you were conceived on the Stumps Cross roundabout at junction 9 of the M11, apologies if I misunderstood  .

And yes, you will have to explain it to me, I'm thick  .

Got you WW he clearly didn't

[hullad]

A couple of oldies. ...

Three business men with there daughters where killed when they where on a holiday flight and it crashed.

The duly arrived at the pearly gates and where met by St Peter.

He said to the first one ' you where so in love with money you even called your daughter Penny, youre not coming in'

The second one was told ' you loved drink so much you called your daughter sherry you're not coming in either'

The third one grabbed his daughters hand and said ' come on fanny this is no place for us '

Two escorts where out on the town one night and one said ' I can smell cock
 '
The other one said ' oh sorry about that I jut burped '