Should I feel guilty? What's your thoughts?

[Steveraynor]

Morning all,
I'm relatively new to this forum so I apologies in advance if this question may have been asked previously.
So as a married man for many years, sex with the OH was very much boring, just straight forward get in, get out.
So I started visiting escorts to add that little bit extra back into my life.
I generally go to see escorts now for a fbsm and either HJ or BJ as this is something the OH never does.
So it got me thinking that I can't be the only one in this situation.
It's actually getting to a point where any physical interaction with the OH is becoming extinct.
Would be great to hear your thoughts on this, how do you guys feel, does it bother you or do you just shrug it off and get on with it. 
I look forward to your thoughts on this.

[B4bcock]

Search 'Punting whilst married' on here. Plenty to read.

[PaulRuff]

No need to feel guilty IMHO, if you do feel guilty then reconsider whether this sort of thing is for you or not... perhaps try to see it as fulfilling a basic need that isn't available at home for whatever reason.

If spending a few quid every now and then blowing your load keeps everything else at home on an even keel & you can keep it under your hat then crack on.

[blend57]

I have never been married. But I would say your situation describes about half of the members of the board.

[Captainhowdy666]

It is a frustration
Just because SHE decide SHE doesn’t want to have sex, why should I not do something I fkn absolutely love?
It’s not just about the sex, it’s about the affection.
My missus thinks if I show affection it means I want to fuck her so instead of being Stoke and miserable I go out and fill my boots.
Also after watching many a porn film it’s great to have a girl act like they do in those films, an extra buzz.
My only complaint is I wish I’d discovered it ten years ago.
Only been punting for about 18 months.

[lillythesavage]

Simple answer, no, fill your boots, life is too short and sex is natural, usually

[Buttons]

No need to feel guilty IMHO, if you do feel guilty then reconsider whether this sort of thing is for you or not... perhaps try to see it as fulfilling a basic need that isn't available at home for whatever reason.

If spending a few quid every now and then blowing your load keeps everything else at home on an even keel & you can keep it under your hat then crack on.

Agree with this 100%. As long as you can afford it financially without compromising the needs of anyone else in your family - you know, paying the mortgage, rent, bills, putting food on the table etc

[Jayj]

I think it’s perfectly normal to feel guilty if you didn’t you would be borderline narcissistic, a set of vows clearly defining commitment to each other with no wiggle room for a bit on the side or the occasional HJ or BJ from some passing brass.

I guess it’s how you cope with it, when I was married I did feel guilt for the betrayal but after a few days the feelings of betrayal eased and the feelings of wanting to blow my load in the mouth of an SP took president.

I used to think well how would I feel if she was randomly giving some guy in accounting a HJ at lunch or slipping the guy at yoga a BJ, I’m going to be honest it gave me the horn 😂

I guess the reality for me was yes I had guilt was it the reason our marriage ended yes it contributed not because she found out but because it contributed to us drifting apart.

 

[Buenos2006]

In some cases it could strengthen a marriage if the guy is getting his fix from escorts and therefore not tempted to seek out an affair with civvies.

[Payyourwaymate]

Excuse my naivety on this as I am not married but is it that complicated to just leave your wife?

Are your lives so intertwined that if you left, both of you would be screwed financially?

If you had to finances to leave, would you just leave your wife instead of going through cycles of being guilt ridden until eventually you'll become numb to the feeling and no longer feel guilt due to the normality of seeing WGs over time?

I don't think I could go through that, I feel like ill feelings will fester until eventually the relationship would implode.

[B4bcock]

Excuse my naivety on this as I am not married but is it that complicated to just leave your wife?

Are your lives so intertwined that if you left, both of you would be screwed financially?

If you had to finances to leave, would you just leave your wife instead of going through cycles of being guilt ridden until eventually you'll become numb to the feeling and no longer feel guilt due to the normality of seeing WGs over time?

I don't think I could go through that, I feel like ill feelings will fester until eventually the relationship would implode.

Lots of men, myself included, are in long term relationships where the bonds are strong but it is just the quantity / quality, (or both), of the sexual side which has waned over the years.  You don't need to do much research to find this is incredibly common in marriages and, although your missus may have gone off the sexual side of your relationship, it is often the case that she will still be your soulmate and the one you want to see out your days with.  In my case, I would find life unbearable without regular sex and punting maintains a balance which keeps me sane and my marriage intact, which I am certain is the best situation for both myself and my OH.  I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it, it's more like having to scratch an itch which keeps returning.

[gash bash]

Excuse my naivety on this as I am not married but is it that complicated to just leave your wife?

Are your lives so intertwined that if you left, both of you would be screwed financially?

If you had to finances to leave, would you just leave your wife instead of going through cycles of being guilt ridden until eventually you'll become numb to the feeling and no longer feel guilt due to the normality of seeing WGs over time?

I don't think I could go through that, I feel like ill feelings will fester until eventually the relationship would implode.

Whats the point of leaving the wife if you end up marrying again and end up back at square 1.

A lot of married guys, myself included are in happy relationships but just need a little bit of harmless fun on the side.

Although i'm in my fifties i still have an eye for wanting a fit bird from time to time who would normally be out of my league.  I started punting about 10 years ago and i dont think i can ever stop - only the lord can stop me by putting me six foot under.

I bet a lot of guys punting are are in their 40s or older - just a guess.





 

[Whiteknight]

In some cases it could strengthen a marriage if the guy is getting his fix from escorts and therefore not tempted to seek out an affair with civvies.

+1 

[lillythesavage]

Lots of men, myself included, are in long term relationships where the bonds are strong but it is just the quantity / quality, (or both), of the sexual side which has waned over the years.  You don't need to do much research to find this is incredibly common in marriages and, although your missus may have gone off the sexual side of your relationship, it is often the case that she will still be your soulmate and the one you want to see out your days with.  In my case, I would find life unbearable without regular sex and punting maintains a balance which keeps me sane and my marriage intact, which I am certain is the best situation for both myself and my OH.  I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it, it's more like having to scratch an itch which keeps returning.

The truth is you are having your cake and eating it, and keeping the marriage intact for selfish reasons while paying other women for sex.
It is surviving on deception.  If your partner suddenly became a nympho would you give up your itch ?
I doubt you would, I have never been faithful in any relationship, ever, still married, but living apart for 5 years, we sat down and talked and realized that living together was causing stress and lying and it was time for change, after 30 odd years.
Now we are soulmates, are tied up financially, she was well aware our sex drives were different, and we worked it all out without the need for solicitors, custody battles over the pets, selling everything and splitting it with all the fees that involves.

Women are not always to blame for lack of sex in a marriage, it is very easy to think that and use it as excuse for punting/affairs, which would probably end the marriage if discovered. If you are going punting you will want less sex with the wife, she will feel neglected and the downward spiral starts. They deal with the menopause, we do not, childbirth, we do not, we have it very easy through life in general. Ever changing hormones is not something they can take lightly, nature dictates, we just get on with it.

We men, yes me included, if I did not have a wife who made me do so, never talk things through, we just go and do what we need to do, most attached punters were to some extent players back in the day I suspect, and punt even when there is sex at home. Like the thought of a partner and not living alone, lie and deceive to keep the status quo.
We very much want the cake and eat every crumb when it comes to little dickie.

Waiting for the backlash from the macho men on a male orientated forum

[B4bcock]

The truth is you are having your cake and eating it, and keeping the marriage intact for selfish reasons while paying other women for sex.
It is surviving on deception.  If your partner suddenly became a nympho would you give up your itch ?
I doubt you would, I have never been faithful in any relationship, ever, still married, but living apart for 5 years, we sat down and talked and realized that living together was causing stress and lying and it was time for change, after 30 odd years.
Now we are soulmates, are tied up financially, she was well aware our sex drives were different, and we worked it all out without the need for solicitors, custody battles over the pets, selling everything and splitting it with all the fees that involves.

Women are not always to blame for lack of sex in a marriage, it is very easy to think that and use it as excuse for punting/affairs, which would probably end the marriage if discovered. If you are going punting you will want less sex with the wife, she will feel neglected and the downward spiral starts. They deal with the menopause, we do not, childbirth, we do not, we have it very easy through life in general. Ever changing hormones is not something they can take lightly, nature dictates, we just get on with it.

We men, yes me included, if I did not have a wife who made me do so, never talk things through, we just go and do what we need to do, most attached punters were to some extent players back in the day I suspect, and punt even when there is sex at home. Like the thought of a partner and not living alone, lie and deceive to keep the status quo.
We very much want the cake and eat every crumb when it comes to little dickie.

Waiting for the backlash from the macho men on a male orientated forum

Gotta say, lily, you seem to have changed your tune a bit since 3:20 pm today when your advice to OP was;

Simple answer, no, fill your boots, life is too short and sex is natural, usually

[Bristolguy]

If it’s playing on your mind big time have a little break from punting and if you think fuck this come back and enjoy it again you get judged for whatever you do in life so just do what makes you happy.

[Steveraynor]

My issue is a little more complicated, as well as being married I was having an affair with a work colleague.  Whilst the sex was great with my work colleague I didn't punt , but now even the affair is fading out, she doesn't want sex as much so now I am back on the band wagon as such. I need sex to fulfil the basic human needs .

[southcoastpunter]

A lot of married guys, myself included are in happy relationships but just need a little bit of harmless fun on the side.

I am not so sure the OH's will see it as a bit of "harmless fun"

[Payyourwaymate]

Lots of men, myself included, are in long term relationships where the bonds are strong but it is just the quantity / quality, (or both), of the sexual side which has waned over the years.  You don't need to do much research to find this is incredibly common in marriages and, although your missus may have gone off the sexual side of your relationship, it is often the case that she will still be your soulmate and the one you want to see out your days with.  In my case, I would find life unbearable without regular sex and punting maintains a balance which keeps me sane and my marriage intact, which I am certain is the best situation for both myself and my OH.  I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it, it's more like having to scratch an itch which keeps returning.

I see. That make sense, but the situation seems like an arranged partnership instead of a marriage where there are pros and cons for both parties and it would be in their best interest for the arrangment to continue. I have a question, if you were rich... enough to the point where if you got caught out the financial loss would not be crippling, would you still stay married and scratch the itch without the OH knowing or would you sit down with the OH and come to an agreement?

Whats the point of leaving the wife if you end up marrying again and end up back at square 1.

A lot of married guys, myself included are in happy relationships but just need a little bit of harmless fun on the side.

Although i'm in my fifties i still have an eye for wanting a fit bird from time to time who would normally be out of my league.  I started punting about 10 years ago and i dont think i can ever stop - only the lord can stop me by putting me six foot under.

I bet a lot of guys punting are are in their 40s or older - just a guess.

It's not really about marrying again, it's more really what is the point getting married in the first place if you have a need to see various women anyway? Me personally I can never get married because I know I would not be able sexually stay on the straight and narrow. My pair bonding is in the pits.

I would only classify it as harmless fun if your OH found out and it did not ruin your marriage. Lets say in a hypothetical situation that you lived in a society where could have your kids and be in their lives without having to be married, pay crippling child support, alimony or have to deal with the OH try to deprive you from seeing them. Would you still get married then?

My point is why get married? Is it for the ability to have kids to continue your lineage and a wife to raise them or was it a situation where you loved each other and it fizzled out but the consequences of ending the partnership are too severe for both parties to do so?

[B4bcock]

I see. That make sense, but the situation seems like an arranged partnership instead of a marriage where there are pros and cons for both parties and it would be in their best interest for the arrangment to continue. I have a question, if you were rich... enough to the point where if you got caught out the financial loss would not be crippling, would you still stay married and scratch the itch without the OH knowing or would you sit down with the OH and come to an agreement?


I don't consider myself to be rich, but I am comfortably well off to the degree that a divorce would not be financially crippling.  The point is we have been together many years, have common views and interests and have children and grandchildren together.  I have never met another woman I would prefer to be with long term and have never had an affair, all of my extra marital sex coming from punting.

[Payyourwaymate]

I don't consider myself to be rich, but I am comfortably well off to the degree that a divorce would not be financially crippling.  The point is we have been together many years, have common views and interests and have children and grandchildren together.  I have never met another woman I would prefer to be with long term and have never had an affair, all of my extra marital sex coming from punting.

I see, I get you now. Fair enough, thanks.

[Kelvin Smyth]

I've been married for 16 years and I've continued to see WGs throughout that period.

I was single for a long time and like the feeling of being in a stable relationship (despite cheating on the side).

I also believe guys are biologically set up to be attracted to any fit looking woman (I've got a babestation girl on the TV as I type this).

I particularly like roleplay scenarios with WGs. Usually one in which they offer themselves to me, which would never happen in the real world ! 

[Payyourwaymate]

I've been married for 16 years and I've continued to see WGs throughout that period.

I was single for a long time and like the feeling of being in a stable relationship (despite cheating on the side).

I also believe guys are biologically set up to be attracted to any fit looking woman (I've got a babestation girl on the TV as I type this).

I particularly like roleplay scenarios with WGs. Usually one in which they offer themselves to me, which would never happen in the real world !

So what does being in a stable relationship provide for you that you cannot get by being single and still seeing various women?

Is it the companionship? Kids? Shared finances?

[Kelvin Smyth]

So what does being in a stable relationship provide for you that you cannot get by being single and still seeing various women?

Is it the companionship? Kids? Shared finances?

I'm a loner, and being single for so long was quite a lonely experience. I was very shy with girls, and correspondingly had few girlfriends.

Being married and part of a couple does provide obvious companionship and means that you're not judged as an oddball/failure by family and society generally (I know this remark can be misconstrued and I'm not for a moment suggesting this applies to all single people).   

[Home Alone]

Of all the posts in this thread, ^ ^ ^ is the one that I can identify with the most. I was a 'cradle Catholic who perceived himself to be unattractive physically to women and couldn't quite believe my luck when, in my mid-30s, I met an intelligent, attractive woman who was three or four years younger than me. She appeared to like me enough to accept a half-hearted proposal of marriage; "If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?"

Which is where my - now long-lapsed - membership of the Catholic church kicked in. I'd been indoctrinated enough to 'know' that marriage was a lifetime arrangement; and part of the unspoken agreement was that, when the tap was turned off in our arrangement, you wouldn't have a stash of porn magazines - this was in the 1990s before internet porn was so widely available - to wank to.

The OH wasn't a Catholic so didn't have my scruples about 'till death do us part'. We lived separate lives in a large-ish house until she and the bloke she was having an affair with moved away from our little town. She and I - we had no kids - came to as amicable a settlement as was possible in the circumstances and each of us moved on with our lives. Which included me, just over 18 months later, going for my first punt. And never looking back!

There's part of me wishes I'd never met the ex and had been a punter all my life. But it wasn't as easy to arrange a punt in the pre-internet era as it is today, so I guess there's no point in looking back. "It is what is", as my Best Female Friend - wish I'd known her back in the day - often says to me. And, you know what, I think she's right.

[Maak]

Me & my girlfriend got a great relationship, problem is we got different sex drives. I got a high sex drive, hers is very low.  Once a while I punt to fulfill my needs. I also enjoy the PSE, which is easier to get from a WG.

[Stevelondon]

In the greater scheme of things.
Men have always been different to women with regard to relationships and sex.

I have always viewed it rather simplistically.

It’s just sex.
It’s got naff all to do with love or religion or feelings for your partner.

It’s just fucking sex.


Jeez……….. I suppose the next thread will be,
“I am married but still wank, is this cheating”

“I watch porn by myself and feel like I’m cheating on my wife”


Oh for fucks sake !!!!!!

[sparkus]

I can only think of one occasion when a significant long term relationship had an absence of sex towards the end and I just carried on punting and using dating websites.  Even then I'd seen several others behind her back, on and off.

I suppose a bigger part of motivation for me is being able to be intimate with women I'd not normally get to be, even if I suddenly became single and on the market.

[thundercrackerxx]

You have natural needs. If the wife isn't fulfilling them then life's too short to go without. Sex and love aren't the same thing. I think people just get possessive due to ego about their partner having sex with other people.

[sparkus]

You have natural needs. If the wife isn't fulfilling them then life's too short to go without. Sex and love aren't the same thing. I think people just get possessive due to ego about their partner having sex with other people.

Wasn't it Hunter S Thompson who said that "Sex without love is as pointless as love without sex"?

One for the Mumsnetters to chew on.

[Payyourwaymate]

I'm a loner, and being single for so long was quite a lonely experience. I was very shy with girls, and correspondingly had few girlfriends.

Being married and part of a couple does provide obvious companionship and means that you're not judged as an oddball/failure by family and society generally (I know this remark can be misconstrued and I'm not for a moment suggesting this applies to all single people).

I see, I don't see why you would be worried about societal judgement; It's imposssible to please "society" from "norms" but that's a different topic. Fair enough, thanks for answering.

[Payyourwaymate]

Wasn't it Hunter S Thompson who said that "Sex without love is as pointless as love without sex"?

One for the Mumsnetters to chew on.

You know, I've slowly been coming to the conclusion that sex is not about love and rarely ever is in adult life. It's about power and leverage lol.

[Maak]

You have natural needs. If the wife isn't fulfilling them then life's too short to go without. Sex and love aren't the same thing. I think people just get possessive due to ego about their partner having sex with other people.

It's easy to say leave, my mate from work, his wife has been off sex since they had a baby 3 years ago. He hasn't had sex with his wife for over a year

[lillythesavage]

Gotta say, lily, you seem to have changed your tune a bit since 3:20 pm today when your advice to OP was;

Simple answer, no, fill your boots, life is too short and sex is natural, usually

Lol, we all do it, that is the answer to the guilt question, do it, forget it, go home and do what the rest of us have done for years.

The rest is just a longer post on the differences and reasons why a woman,s sex drive can change with the wind, naturally, and we tend to think it is permanent, do not talk about it and let sleeping dogs lie, she will never know if it is returning, or any chance of it returning,  because we do not care, go out and get it, go home to the status quo.
The real reason is new young pussy is far more enticing that talking to the women you are sexually bored with, be honest, if you were getting sex at home you would still punt,  just maybe not as often.

Had that explained to me in much more detail, and she was not wrong.

[sparkus]

You know, I've slowly been coming to the conclusion that sex is not about love and rarely ever is in adult life. It's about power and leverage lol.

It's about me getting my end away whenever I can, preferably with as wide a variety of women as possible.

[lillythesavage]

It's easy to say leave, my mate from work, his wife has been off sex since they had a baby 3 years ago. He hasn't had sex with his wife for over a year

Hormones play havoc, so does caring for a baby, my point in the other posts, we do not have raging hormone changes usually, all we see is no sex, and get pissed off every time she says no, go out and get it, but it does not fix the problem and men in general never talk or try, so it never changes until things go .

[lillythesavage]

You know, I've slowly been coming to the conclusion that sex is not about love and rarely ever is in adult life. It's about power and leverage lol.

The two have little to do with each other, only for reproduction, I love seeing my women get rogered, even the wife before we split.

It really depends on your mindset, some are very happy fucking one woman for 50 years or more, punters are players, I have never been hung up on sexual exclusivity, as this thread is showing it really does not work. Even my best mate has fucked the wife, still my best mate even though he married a lunatic I cannot bear.

[Crockers]

Love is merely lust for a woman added with jealousy for others having her.

[Payyourwaymate]

The two have little to do with each other, only for reproduction, I love seeing my women get rogered, even the wife before we split.

It really depends on your mindset, some are very happy fucking one woman for 50 years or more, punters are players, I have never been hung up on sexual exclusivity, as this thread is showing it really does not work. Even my best mate has fucked the wife, still my best mate even though he married a lunatic I cannot bear.

I did not mean for men. I meant for women using sex over men with men being in sexless marriages, men paying for sex or doing favours for sex etc. Generally women using sex to their advantage. Apologies, I did not clarify.

[WelshClipper]

Agree with what has been said, just wanted to add my two cents.

It is not always about sex being denied, my OH developed a condition that made sex nigh on impossible, it became so painful that I just stopped asking. She went to a doctor and was told there was, as yet, no cure for her condition. Her only option was strong steroids and she was not willing to go that route.

So the end result is she didn’t offer, I didn’t ask. I also wish to end my days with my OH but just like the guys above have mentioned, I was not willing to be celibate.

So I punt.......... 

No need to feel guilty about it, the working girls provide the service, you are the client. Keep it simple and discreet and all is well.

[dgh7622]

Whats the point of leaving the wife if you end up marrying again and end up back at square 1.

A lot of married guys, myself included are in happy relationships but just need a little bit of harmless fun on the side.

Although i'm in my fifties i still have an eye for wanting a fit bird from time to time who would normally be out of my league.  I started punting about 10 years ago and i dont think i can ever stop - only the lord can stop me by putting me six foot under.

I bet a lot of guys punting are are in their 40s or older - just a guess.

I am 70 and did not start punting until i was 64 when sex with wife ceased .Mostly massage with HE but do go for the full monty from time to time 

[petermisc]

It is a frustration
Just because SHE decide SHE doesn’t want to have sex, why should I not do something I fkn absolutely love?
It’s not just about the sex, it’s about the affection.
My missus thinks if I show affection it means I want to fuck her

If she has learnt that you only show affection in order to get a fuck, it might explain why she is reluctant to fuck.

[petermisc]

So as a married man for many years, sex with the OH was very much boring, just straight forward get in, get out.
It's actually getting to a point where any physical interaction with the OH is becoming extinct.

Sex often wanes in an established relationship, but if it is not just the sex, but all physical interaction, then it doesn't sound like your OH is very happy with the situation either.  If you are getting no physical interaction, what are you getting out of the relationship?  Someone who cooks and cleans for you?  In return for what?

As regards the guilt, I think the question you need to ask yourself is, if your OH is equally unhappy with your relationship, and is seeing other men to get what you cannot provide, how would you feel?  If you would be perfectly happy with her doing that, then you have no need to feel guilty.

[standardpostage]

 Topic: Should I feel guilty? What's your thoughts?
No. It's normal to punt.
Were part of the worlds oldest profession.

[sparkus]

Sex in married couples has for some considerable time been tied up with procreation, so it's unsurprising that some women claimed to not enjoy sex or just 'lied back and think of England'.  I can actually remember as a child it was completely normal for men in authority etc. to say to schoolchildren "Don't be shy, your mother wasn't" (can you imagine that now?)

There's probably a sizeable chunk of the older population of this country who married someone just for the sake of getting their leg over and lived to regret that decision.

[lillythesavage]

Sex in married couples has for some considerable time been tied up with procreation, so it's unsurprising that some women claimed to not enjoy sex or just 'lied back and think of England'.  I can actually remember as a child it was completely normal for men in authority etc. to say to schoolchildren "Don't be shy, your mother wasn't" (can you imagine that now?)

There's probably a sizeable chunk of the older population of this country who married someone just for the sake of getting their leg over and lived to regret that decision.

Not sure about marrying to get a leg over, but plenty have just because they do not like living alone, think it is the done thing, to have children or many other reasons they probably should have not married that person, both men and women.

[petermisc]

Not sure about marrying to get a leg over, but plenty have just because they do not like living alone, think it is the done thing, to have children or many other reasons they probably should have not married that person, both men and women.

But many who have married because they got their leg over!

[sparkus]

But many who have married because they got their leg over!

For entire generations of men in this country (especially pre-abortion reform and the 60s etc) the wedding night was their first sexual opportunity so they took it.  Look at the handsome Hywel Bennett in the film 'The Family Way'.  Casual sex was something for a rare lucky few and sexual transmitted diseases from visiting prostitutes was a lot more worrying back then.

[lillythesavage]

But many who have married because they got their leg over!

Yep, and I was one of those, back in the 80,s,, the challenge of a virgin and not using the big brain lol, still got a couple of great boys from it, only one does not know I am his father.

Tbf, I suspected for years,  It only really sunk in at his " fathers" funeral. Standing talking with him and no1 son. Stevie Wonder and his magic fingers could confirm it with touch. Another thing to confuse the mind, do I or just keep quiet ?

[tantric talents]

I guess it’s how you cope with it, when I was married I did feel guilt for the betrayal but after a few days the feelings of betrayal eased and the feelings of wanting to blow my load in the mouth of an SP took president.

I think you must have been subconsciously channeling Bill Clinton there