Psychosexual counselling

[Punterenas]

Just got back from my 3 monthly check up at the GUM clinic.
During the visit I accidentally let slip I was married, the doctor asked me if it was a good idea to visit SSPs while I had a wife at home. I thanked her for her concern but pointed out we hadn't so much as had a french kiss in 14 years! The doctor then suggested we could get psychosocial counselling (you need a referral from your GP). I mean bless her, she was trying to help but seriously? What do you guys reckon?
Me: Darling, do you remember when I told you if you didn't have sex I would go and pay for It? Well great news. I just got back from the GUM clinic after shagging 17 women this year and the doctor says that once I get my results back (provided I'm clear) we should skip down to the surgery and get our GP to give us a referral for some psychosexual counselling.
I don't do what I do to hurt my wife but the sexless marriage thing certainly wasn't my idea!
Anyone tried It? Does it stand a snowballs chance in hell of working?

[HarryZZ]

Was the doc suggesting it for your OH perhaps?

[jackdaw]

If your wife deep down wants to start having sex with you again, there might be some chance.

If she doesn’t...and some people really, really aren’t interested...then there’s naff all chance of psychosexual counselling helping.

[Punterenas]

Was the doc suggesting it for your OH perhaps?

We would both have to go.

[Punterenas]

If your wife deep down wants to start having sex with you again, there might be some chance.

If she doesn’t...and some people really, really aren’t interested...then there’s naff all chance of psychosexual counselling helping.

It's been 14 years. I tried to talk about it for 10 then gave up (then started punting).
We don't need a counsellor, our sex life needs a fucking medium!

[nigel4498]

They are meant to be nonjudgmental.
You should have just told the doctor it's none of her business.

[jackdaw]

It's been 14 years. I tried to talk about it for 10 then gave up (then started punting).
We don't need a counsellor, our sex life needs a fucking medium!

It’s all down to your reading of why your wife stopped having sex.

If you feel there’s a specific reason..a traumatic event in her past, pain associated with sex, something like that..a psychosexual counsellor might help.

But if being asexual is her natural preferred state..that is she just has no interest in sex..then nothing useful will come about. Indeed an ethical practitioner should arguably not even try in those circumstances, it would be wrong to try to alter some one’s fundamental being.

[NelsonH]

I am quite amazed at the way the doctor treated you.  Reckon I'd make a written complaint.

Absolutely nothing to do with her.  Should move to another field.

[threechilliman]

I'd have asked the Doc if she facied a bit of slap'n'tickle!

[Punterenas]

 

They are meant to be nonjudgmental.
You should have just told the doctor it's none of her business.

I honestly think she was trying to help. Just a bit patronising  (not unusual for a doctor after all).
She also suggested I order a home test kit next time to which I laughed out loud. (It has if undelivered return to Southampton sexual health services written on it ffs)

[Mi-Go]

Remember, at some point the Counsellor will almost certainly ask you "how do you feel about not having sex for 14 years?".  You will then either have to tell the truth "I see prostitutes" or lie and make up another answer about how you supposedly manage without sex.

If you tell the truth at a joint session with all three of you (i.e. with wife) your screwed.  If your going to lie, then the counselling is going to be rather pointless.

[Punterenas]

I don't think we will be troubling the counsellor to be honest.
First off there appears to be only one for the city of Southampton and the surrounding towns, plus you've got to get your GP to refer you, so lots of hoops and lazy, patronising pointless suggestions (have you considered date nights?) to get through first.
Second my wife hasn't had any past significant trauma and doesn't appear to be suffering from any issues which psychosexual counselling could address. I did remark to the doctor how strange it was our sex life spontaneously restarted when my wife wanted another child and stopped again when our youngest was born, but it appeared to have gone over her head, bless.
Thirdly has anyone ever heard of a couple in our position doing something like this and it having any effect whatsoever? No? Thought not.
My wife doesn't want sex (with me at any rate) because women have sex with men they want something from. My wife has got from me everything she wants (house, kids etc) and therefore has no need to have sex with me anymore. So I look for women who do want something from me (ie cash) and have sex with them.

[threechilliman]

My wife doesn't want sex (with me at any rate)

  Gotta admire your sense of humour!

[Punterenas]

Gotta admire your sense of humour!

Thanks, gallows humour I'm afraid.

[shagmore]

Thanks, gallows humour I'm afraid.

At least your honest, good luck to you. I think its a load of bollocks, as mentioned earlier if you tell the truth about punting you are screwed, if you lie about not having sex for that length of time no pint going.
You could just ask the wife again, is there any chance of sex in the near future, or do I need to stock up on the kleenex. (other household wipes are available)

[HarryZZ]

You could bend the truth if asked, say when you’re desperate you used things like Tinder, it’s only a bit of a lie.

[Analist]

It's not necessarily a bad idea.
You're in a marriage with no sex. The counselling may help her understand how frustrating it is to you, and get to the bottom of why she is uninterested in sex. You don't have to reveal that you've found other outlets, just the fact that her behaviour is affecting you should be sufficient. Does she feel sex is only needed when you're trying to have a baby? Maybe the counselling will make her rethink that.
If you can get her to change her habits and occasionally offer sex at home, think of the money saved by punting less frequently.

[JV547845]

Before you rush off to a counsellor, have you tried the obvious stuff they would suggest (that can be read in any woman's magazine) to put the spark back into it - make sure you're in shape, clean, give her compliments, listen to her, give presents, go on dates, or even whisk her off her feet and go on a weekend trip somewhere, or do anything else romantic you can think of? 

If you've not let yourself go and are not being lazy and complacent after 14 years, maybe she's just not into you?

If you have a good healthy relationship where you can talk things through, frankly I'm surprised she hasn't been concerned about your lack of sex for 14 years.  Stereotypical wives just talk it through with their girlfriends and assume their husbands open up to their mates and convince themselves celibate marriages with children are perfectly normal.

[Shearer1955]

There is one important thing you don't mention
Are you still generally happy at home?
If you are then I would keep silent & continue as you do
If you aren't then you need to have a heart to heart with the wife
The matter of sex might be a peripheral matter or it might be the major focus of any unhappiness

[Punterenas]

Thanks to everyone for their input.
Just for the record I shower at least once a day, twice if I have been working out. I do karate and yoga, I work out 5 times a week on top of that. I'm the first to admit I'm not Brad Pitt but my OH isn't Angelina fucking Jolie either.
2 years ago my wife asked what I wanted for my birthday. I replied "I want us to have sex". She then got a massive strop on and said "what am I supposed to say to that?" I didn't really want her to say anything! She stormed off and didn't talk to me for at least a day. I tried to talk to her about it and she said "I'm not saying no" which is, I suppose true, shes not saying anything (especially yes). I actually told her I had been looking to see a SSP if things didn't improve (to which she didn't reply) so I guess I'm saying yes, my OH is aware of how frustrated and how much this is affecting me but I call her Cleopatra because she is the Queen of denial. If something is ignored and not talked about it doesn't exist. I know she won't go to counselling because the counsellor might suggest she compromise and that aint happening when she has everything just as she wants it. I do organise evenings out and have tried all the usual things to reignite the "spark" (they wouldn't happen otherwise) but I'm the only one making any effort, shes just so fucking passive (just like her mum, lazy bitch). Do I love her? Not any more. Does she love me, I don't know, she loves her way of life and I guess if that were put under threat she might put out but I don't want pity sex or duty sex, I strongly suspect she never really wanted me, only the chance to get married and move away from her parents and her home town. I don't think she loves or hates me, she doesn't think of me at all, but I am not going to swap all I have worked for and leave her for a one bedroom flat above a shop! I'm sure I'm going to leave but only when I have somewhere to go to.
I have had quite bad anxiety in the past (unsurprisingly) and had to use cognitve behavioural therapy, so I applied that to my situation (no counsellor needed for me!). If my wife had kept up some level of maintenance sex I would never have found punting and had the amazing experiences I have had, so I actually should be grateful to her. I also feel sorry for her because she has missed out on an amazing opportunity to share something beautiful in favour of selfish self interest. If she changed I would definitely give it another go and I live in hope she does but I'm beyond chasing, you are all correct, I should sit down with her and have a heart to heart, but surely this is a relationship ie 2 people I want some evidence that our relationsip is imporant to her, but I'm not seeing it, time for her to make an effort for a change.
Sorry if that comes across as negative, lazy and defeatist but I have tried, I know she won't. If it doesn't come from her I will always suspect she only did what she had to do out of self interest
Sorry to rant but no counsellor will change this situation. I will keep on doing what I am doing.
Merry Christmas!