Scenario one. In his haste to get away post punt he crashes his car and is found unconscious with a condom full of spunk in his pocket. Er, well you're not going to believe this officer but.........
Scenario two. OP is worried about scenario one so decides to take the Underground (I'm assuming he's a Larndener), where he is pickpocketed by some Romanian sleaze. Result, his bag of spunk ends up where it started.
Scenario three. OP says fuck this, I'm going to stick to wanking. Shit, where did I put those crinkly dried up tissues?