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Author Topic: The joke thread  (Read 16698 times)

Offline catweazle

Bit surprised to see that we don't have a jokes thread on here yet, so I'll kick it off:

My lesbian cousin and her girlfriend bought me a Rolex for my birthday. Very generous of them, but it wasn't what l had in mind when they asked what l wanted for my birthday and l answered "l wanna watch".

Offline freeze44

Aldi have recently announced a new competition!

It's called 'Fact Hunt' where those judged to have sent in the best fact get a free weeks supply of toilet roll!

There seems to be a little confusion so please note again the competition is called FACT HUNT and not as Nigel from Ipswich interpreted it when he sent in this picture....



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Offline Happylad

The salesman had been driving on the interstate highway in heavy traffic for hours, it was getting late,and he looked for a side road where he could off the highway, park and kip down for a few hours. He had only driven for a couple of miles when he saw a notice -
          "Have you ever been fucked by a Nun"
          " St Brigid`s Convent 1 mile"
  Intrigued he followed the direction of the pointing arrow, and soon came to an imposing building at the roadside with a large car park and a sign
           "Come and be fucked by a Nun"
           "  St. Brigid`s Convent"

He saw a sign "ENTRANCE" and went in, and found himself in a large entrance hall, and at the opposite side was another door and another sign - "If you would like to be fucked by a nun deposit $100 in this box and enter"
He hastily deposited his £100 in the box and pushed the door open; it was pitch dark on the other side, but he went through and the door immediately slammed behind him. Then a light came on and he saw that he was back in the car park.  He turned to the door that he had just come through and saw another sign
                "Blessings upon you. You have just been fucked by the sisters of St. Brigid"

Offline Xtro

Does anyone know if your allowed to have a shower yet, or do we just keep washing our hands?

Offline crfc

I'm in the pub and a woman is letting her nipper  drop the white ball down the corner pocket and he's taking great delight in watching the ball come back out so he can drop it back down the pocket.

The woman said "why don't you try the other hole?"

I said "blimey, you're the first woman I've ever heard say that"....

Note to self:

Say the second thing that comes into your mind

Offline King Nuts

My wife says 'they're not wrinkles. They're laughter lines'.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my scrotum.


Offline Xtro

Boris to nurse. "So ,am I getting a bed bath?"

Nurse "no, but you're getting Bath's bed!"   :cool:

Offline timsussex

My wife says 'they're not wrinkles. They're laughter lines'.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my scrotum.

I would be worried, what does your scrotum find so funny ? 

Offline Alanroy

A horse is sitting at home watching some music videos. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

Offline Happylad

Two fellows standing in a bar discussing their favourite positions for sex.
The barman, who had been listening said, have you two gents heard of the rodeo position?
They both looked at him blankly.  "Go on" said one
"Well" said the barman" I get the missus bent over the bed face down and then I get into her doggy fashion - as far as I can.
Then I bend forward over her and get my hand round her tits"
They looked at him, and one said "that`s nothing special; why the rodeo bit"
The barman grinned and said "That`s when I whisper in her ear `your sister likes it this way too` and I try and hang on in there for a full 3 minutes"


Two other fellers having a moan about not getting any.
"It`s enough to drive you to the bottle" said one
"Don`t do that" said the other; "I tried it and got my prick stuck in the neck of the bottle. Had to go to hospital and they had to freeze it to get it out"

Offline mr.bluesky

I wouldn't say I had a lonely childhood but my parents used to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

Offline timsussex

I wouldn't say I had a lonely childhood but my parents used to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

I think that was a Les Dawson joke but he started it with I wouldn't say I was an ugly child ….

Offline timsussex

best joke of the week David Icke on 5G

 "If 5G continues and reaches where they want to take it, human life as we know it is over..."

and

 a coronavirus vaccine, when one is developed, will include "nanotechnology microchips" that would allow humans to be controlled. He added that Bill Gates - who is helping fund Covid-19 vaccine research - should be jailed.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-52198946

Offline mr.bluesky

I went to see my doctor last week and said to her "every time I make love or masturbate my penis hurts"
"How about oral sex ?" she asked.
" You can try if you think it'll help" I replied  :dance:

Offline Xtro

Staff at St Thomas' have reported Boris Johnson is looking bloated, sweaty, generally disheveled and talking incoherently.  A Spokesperson said..
"It's encouraging to see him look like his old self again."

Offline mr.bluesky

I live next door to such inconsiderate neighbours.  Every morning about 3am they are banging on my wall. How am I supposed to concentrate on my drumming practice with that going on ?


Later that day someone rang about the pet python I was selling. "Is it big he asked"
"Massive" I said
"How many feet"
"None" I said "it's a f**king snake.

 :hi:
« Last Edit: April 07, 2020, 07:06:40 pm by mr.bluesky »

Offline Happylad

How can you tell if your wife dies?

The sex is the same but the washing mounts up.

Offline King Nuts

Just before the lockdown, my son got sent him from school. Apparently he'd been caught with a girl who was tossing him off.

I said to him: 'Son, that's three schools in three years. Maybe teaching isn't for you.'

Offline mr.bluesky

I went round to my girlfriends house the other night. As I was waiting for her to get ready her dog entered the room, sat himself down on the mat and started licking his balls. I said " I wish I could do that" my girlfriend replied "give him a biscuit he might let you"

Aldi have recently announced a new competition!

It's called 'Fact Hunt' where those judged to have sent in the best fact get a free weeks supply of toilet roll!

There seems to be a little confusion so please note again the competition is called FACT HUNT and not as Nigel from Ipswich interpreted it when he sent in this picture....



[Image hidden]

AW link please  :rolleyes:

Offline hullad

Don't forget the weather for tonight is described as ' motown weather'

That's three degrees or four tops .....

The old chap had recently married a much younger girl and was having trouble getting an erection, so decided to visit a hypnotherapist recommended by a friend.
By the end of the session the therapist had convinced him that to achieve an erection, all he'd need to do was count out
1-2-3-4.
To confirm the therapy was effective he was asked to try it out before leaving.
Sure enough, after counting 1-2-3-4 a huge erection was achieved.
The other thing to remember, the therapist said was once the erection wasn't required any more. just simply count out 1 to 4
and the erection will go down.

Made up, the old chap couldn't wait to get home and try it out.


However, the next day the old chap returned in anger, demanding a refund, claiming angrily that the treatment was useless.
'How was that?', asked the therapist.
'Because every time I counted out 1-2-3......she just kept saying....'Why are you saying one two three for?' :dash:

Offline B4bcock

I never used to visit escorts or massage parlours until I met the OH.    She soon turned me buy sexual.



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 :D very good, danger is she'll pull out her waxing kit and ask you to bend over  :scare:

Online kuck

https://twitter.com/nycgoon1/status/1252978784573304832
Quote
This might not resonate with you in London but as a black American I really believe there should be sexual reparations as well as monetary. Sex work should be legal and black people shouldn't have to pay. But paying does turn me on so trust me, if I had the money, so would you 😘


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Offline mr.bluesky

A plane flying over the north atlantic carrying the pope, Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and a ten year old schoolboy suddenly develops engine problems and there's only 4 parachutes on board.
The pope says " I am head of the Catholic church as God's representative  I need a parachute" so he straps one on and jumps out of the plane.
Nicola Sturgeon says" I am head of the Scottish Nationalist party I need to sort out independence for Scotland" so she straps on a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
Donald Trump says " I'm the cleverest guy in America and have to get the economy moving" so he straps on one and jumps out of the plane.
Boris Johnson looks at the 10 year old schoolboy and gallantly says " you have your whole life in front of you take the last parachute and save yourself"
The 10 year-old schoolboy replies " dont be silly Boris there's 2 parachutes left . Donald Trumps jumped out of the plane with my satchel attached to his back"  :hi:

Offline sparkus

A bloke rings up his boss and says "I can't come in today, I'm sick."

The boss says "Sick? What do you mean you're sick? How sick are you?"

"Well, I'm in bed with my sister."

Offline mr.bluesky

My girlfriend saw me on my laptop the other day " what are you looking at" she asked
" cheap flights" I replied , well within seconds she dragged me upstairs, ripped off my clothes and had mad passionate sex with me . Funny that .She has never shown that much interest in my darts before

Offline TomTank

Boris to nurse. "So ,am I getting a bed bath?"

Nurse "no, but you're getting Bath's bed!"   :cool:

don't get it?


Offline Xtro

Dear Sir,

I'd like to congratulate Elon Musk who has named  his baby son X AE A-12 in some bizarre code to represent where he was conceived.
My parents did something similar so great minds and all that.

Sincerely,
J-9 M11


Offline winkywanky

Dear Sir,

I'd like to congratulate Elon Musk who has named  his baby son X AE A-12 in some bizarre code to represent where he was conceived.
My parents did something similar so great minds and all that.

Sincerely,
J-9 M11



Does this mean you're stumpy and cross?  :unknown:

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent

I’ll see myself out  :hi:

Offline winkywanky

Do you expect us to be rapt-or what?   :unknown:

Offline Xtro


Does this mean you're stumpy and cross?  :unknown:

Do you really not get this?

Bizarre code for where I was conceived... J9 M11 ..... well, I thought it was funny!

Incidentally, enjoy this video of Stumpy and Cross - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qynPqoL9pRM

Offline winkywanky

Do you really not get this?

Bizarre code for where I was conceived... J9 M11 ..... well, I thought it was funny!

Incidentally, enjoy this video of Stumpy and Cross - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qynPqoL9pRM


I honestly thought you meant you were conceived on the Stumps Cross roundabout at junction 9 of the M11, apologies if I misunderstood  :unknown:.

And yes, you will have to explain it to me, I'm thick  :P.

Offline Xtro


I honestly thought you meant you were conceived on the Stumps Cross roundabout at junction 9 of the M11, apologies if I misunderstood  :unknown:.

And yes, you will have to explain it to me, I'm thick  :P.

Is what it's called?
But then the joke wouldn't have worked.
In fact it ain't even funny anymore. so I'll tell it again in winkywanky fashion. 

Dear Sir,

I'd like to congratulate Elon Musk who has named  his baby son X AE A-12 in some bizarre code to represent where he was conceived.
My parents did something similar so great minds and all that.

Sincerely,
Stumps Cross roundabout

I'm actually LMAO now because of this shit!

Fuck off and goodnight ww.   :P   :hi:


Offline winkywanky

You're very welcome, ya git  :hi:

How any legs has a horse?
4

4?!
yes, 2 at the front, 2 at the back, 2 on the left and 2 on the right.

No is has 6!
Forelegs and 2 behind.




Why did  the chicken cross the playground?

It wanted to get to the other slide.

Offline Corus Boy

A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive.  If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair "  Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary.  Actually I want to thank you.  You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.  Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.  I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.  "He pondered a moment and blurted out I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem, you've got it, it's the least I can do.  And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked looking at the wife.  "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said.

"Consider it done." the genie said.  "And now," they both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at this wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.  What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.  Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon.  Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked, "Tell me, how old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.

"No shit!  Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in genies?"

Offline Corus Boy

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.'"

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look'" she said,

"I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"





Offline David1970

Just got this form a Scottish friend

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Offline daviemac

Just got this form a Scottish friend

[Image hidden]
Have you posted this in the right place? this is the joke thread, Nicola Sturgeon's well publicised current policy is to ignore Boris and stay at home.   :unknown:

https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1280507/nicola-sturgeon-GMB-piers-morgan-susanna-reid-coronavirus-lockdown-stay-at-home

Offline David1970

Have you posted this in the right place? this is the joke thread, Nicola Sturgeon's well publicised current policy is to ignore Boris and stay at home.   :unknown:

https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1280507/nicola-sturgeon-GMB-piers-morgan-susanna-reid-coronavirus-lockdown-stay-at-home

Where do recommend I post it if it’s not a joke ( keep it clean please :hi:)?

Offline daviemac

Where do recommend I post it if it’s not a joke ( keep it clean please :hi:)?
You'll have to explain to me where the joke is, I must be missing it.  What is funny in the Scottish First Minister asking the public to continue with the current lockdown policy.   :unknown:

Edit
Perhaps this thread would've been better if you think it funny.   :unknown:

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=276562.msg2858552#new
« Last Edit: May 11, 2020, 10:40:34 am by daviemac »

Offline Steve2


Offline Xtro

On Friday the Chinese Embassy in Tel Aviv criticised Israel. On Saturday the ambassador was found dead in bed from ''natural causes''. 
Can somebody please tell Israel that twat criticised them too.

The wife said I do the worst impression of a beer can being opened.   
Pfft.

Premier League star 'flouted lockdown rules, jetted to Paris, hired a restaurant, held a sex party, and romped with a model in a lift'.
If it wasn't for his pay cut, he would've really had some fun.