Hiding Punting Equipment

[B4bcock]

Virtually all of us have paraphernalia associated with our punting (phones, pills, condoms etc) which, for obvious reasons, we keep well hidden.   However, I for one am aware that if I died suddenly it would only be a matter of time before it was discovered.  Obviously, there would be no direct comeback I would suffer, but the thought of my children and elderly mother finding out about my naughty habit concerns me.   Does anyone have a foolproof hiding place so they can take their secret with them?

[Vice Admiral]

I hide my punting equipment in my underpants.

[B4bcock]

I hide my punting equipment in my underpants.

I'm sure your OH would never look there.   

[Beamer]

I hide my punting equipment in my underpants.

IMO ..........
Idiot comment to a sensible question

[winkywanky]

I hide my punting equipment in my underpants.

I'm sure your OH would never look there.   

 

[winkywanky]

IMO ..........
Idiot comment to a sensible question

Jeezus, have you no sense of humour whatsoever? What do you work in, acountancy?

Gallows humour is one of the things that will keep this country afloat.

Please don't piss all over it.

[Beamer]

Jeezus, have you no sense of humour whatsoever? What do you work in, acountancy?

Gallows humour is one of the things that will keep this country afloat.

Please don't piss all over it.

Its not gallows humour...... it's childish ........but each to their own view.

[winkywanky]

If you're not punting ATM, go and have a wank like the rest of abstaining UKP members, it'll make you feel a lot better for a short time at least  .

[WASA38]

Virtually all of us have paraphernalia associated with our punting (phones, pills, condoms etc) which, for obvious reasons, we keep well hidden.   However, I for one am aware that if I died suddenly it would only be a matter of time before it was discovered.  Obviously, there would be no direct comeback I would suffer, but the thought of my children and elderly mother finding out about my naughty habit concerns me.   Does anyone have a foolproof hiding place so they can take their secret with them?

I share your concern. Since if I suddenly snuffed it the house would be completely cleared out I think it pointless to seek hiding places there.
Only option that comes to mind is to keep the stuff in a scruffy bag in the black bin and to always remember to take it out on collection days !
Knowing my luck I would drop dead on the day the bin men called .

[Home Alone]

I hide my punting equipment in my underpants.

Well, I literally at that!

As one with no OH/family, my attitude is that whatever's found in my flat  - a couple of porn mags and some DVDs - after I've breathed my last will provoke a number of reactions from kind-of admiration, through "Well, fancy him doing that; whoda thowt it?!", to disgust.

The friend who's got Lasting Power of Attorney over me is one of the very few people in Civvy Street who knows my 'guilty little secret' and will doubtless have disposed of 'the evidence'. Even if they haven't been able to do that, I won't be around, so, "Frankly, mah dears, I won't give a damn!"

[WASA38]

Virtually all of us have paraphernalia associated with our punting (phones, pills, condoms etc) which, for obvious reasons, we keep well hidden.   However, I for one am aware that if I died suddenly it would only be a matter of time before it was discovered.  Obviously, there would be no direct comeback I would suffer, but the thought of my children and elderly mother finding out about my naughty habit concerns me.   Does anyone have a foolproof hiding place so they can take their secret with them?

Don't you also worry thay you'll suffer a coital heart attack ?

[winkywanky]

This has occurred to me before.

If I suddenly snuffed it, although it's password protected my punting phone could easily be 'broken into' (might happen, depending on mode of death), thus revealing all my obviously punt-related Contacts, and X-rated messages within.

Similarly my browsing history on my home PC.

I'm single and early retired so I don't get too obsessive about secrecy, but it seems obvious to me that I'd be 'found out'.

Of course the other thing to consider is that everyone probably thinks I'm doing this anyway, so it won't come as a big surprise  .

[winkywanky]

Don't you also worry thay you'll suffer a coital heart attack ?

A good way to go, no? 

[freeze44]

Well, I literally at that!

As one with no OH/family, my attitude is that whatever's found in my flat  - a couple of porn mags and some DVDs - after I've breathed my last will provoke a number of reactions from kind-of admiration, through "Well, whoda thowt that?!", to disgust.

The friend who's got Lasting Power of Attorney over me is one of the very few people in Civvy Street who knows my 'guilty little secret' and will doubtless have disposed of 'the evidence'. Even if they haven't been able to do that, I won't be around, so, "Frankly, mah dears, I won't give a damn!"

  and great attitude 

Having helped clear out a friends relatives place after they had passed way, there were a few 'surprises' found such as mags, dvd's and a bit of BDSM gear and we both chuckled and agreed it was great the person had this side. We remember the person more fondly for knowing they had a interesting side to them!

[usroads]

Jeezus, have you no sense of humour whatsoever? What do you work in, acountancy?

Gallows humour is one of the things that will keep this country afloat.

Please don't piss all over it.

Hey bud - what you got against Accountants?
Memo to self - I gotta think of a good reason to have a spreader bar and hog ties in my garage.

[B4bcock]

Don't you also worry thay you'll suffer a coital heart attack ?

That is probably a chance in a millon.   My punting gear being discovered post mortem is virtually guaranteed to happen at some point.

[winkywanky]

Hey bud - what you got against Accountants?
Memo to self - I gotta think of a good reason to have a spreader bar and hog ties in my garage.

Sorry, you're obviously one of the interesting ones    .

[B4bcock]

Of course the other thing to consider is that everyone probably thinks I'm doing this anyway, so it won't come as a big surprise  .

Having enjoyed many of your posts, winky, I can't help but think some who know you may be just a little surprised if the full depths of your delicious depravity get revealed!   

[freeze44]

Sorry, you're obviously one of the interesting ones    .

  terrible man ww...nothing wrong with bean counters having a spreadsheet to manage their punts!

Imagine that coming to light! ' Why did Uncle bean have a spreadsheet with funny headings like OWO x 2pcm = £40, A levels every 6 weeks at £60 and HE x 3 per month at £25 leaving a surplus for getting kicked in the bollox every 2 months by Mistress!'

[badsin]

I have a bag containing all my punting equipment, various toy's, ropes, lube etc. Not bothered about that, however I'm now having to think of what I should do with the micro SD cards which contain some memorable pictures, film's etc

[winkywanky]

Having enjoyed many of your posts, winky, I can't help but think some who know you may be just a little surprised if the full depths of your delicious depravity get revealed!   

 

It's funny, I actually had an in-depth discussion about 'the other side' with my last and very wonderful punt (very wonderful lady, too), and it has made me wonder what my reaction would be from that other side.

Another thing that occurred to me after an inquisitive/curiosity meet with a Medium around 20yrs ago, was that if they knew all this stuff about me from talking to a specific ex-family member across the ether (the amount of detail was frankly scary and absolutely incontrovertible) then absolutely all my grandparents, x1, x2, x3, ad infinitum, know about the shit I get up to.

I rationalise, temper and self-justify this in my own mind by always being nice to WGs (which is hopefully reciprocated), and depending on the type of punt, always try to give the WG as much fun and pleasure as I'm getting.

Call it punting karma, if you will  .

[winkywanky]

I have a bag containing all my punting equipment, various toy's, ropes, lube etc. Not bothered about that, however I'm now having to think of what I should do with the micro SD cards which contain some memorable pictures, film's etc

In your Will, leave some money in a Trust Fund to set up a 'punting museum'. Your personal punting effects could be the first exhibits, in what would be a Audiovisual Performance Art tour de force which would make Tracy Enema look like Mary Whitehouse .

[jeanphillipe]

Jeezus, have you no sense of humour whatsoever? What do you work in, acountancy?

Gallows humour is one of the things that will keep this country afloat.

Please don't piss all over it.

I laughed too, beamer reminds me of the hall monitors back in school days... the kids that basically got a little extra power for snitching.

If you were to suddenly die, it wouldnt really matter.  Not like its going to cause you any embarassment.

I think most people have a history and most decent people will cover  up for you... unless your Jimmy Saville with some right dodgy porn, you should be fine. Not really a thing to worry about IMO

[Doc Holliday]

Very timely topic for some of us over the coming months 

If it exists it will be found. I remember coming home from school one day and heading straight to my wanking fodder stash hidden in my bedroom which consisted of a few topless pictures. It had gone!

I felt sick and my erection rapidly subsided.

Not a word was said over dinner by my mum that night or since.

[winkywanky]

terrible man ww...nothing wrong with bean counters having a spreadsheet to manage their punts!

Imagine that coming to light! ' Why did Uncle bean have a spreadsheet with funny headings like OWO x 2pcm = £40, A levels every 6 weeks at £60 and HE x 3 per month at £25 leaving a surplus for getting kicked in the bollox every 2 months by Mistress!'

 

For those highly-valued accountants everywhere: External Link/Members Only

[winkywanky]

Very timely topic for some of us over the coming months 

If it exists it will be found. I remember coming home from school one day and heading straight to my wanking fodder stash hidden in my bedroom which consisted. It had gone!

I felt sick and my erection rapidly subsided.

Not a word was said over dinner by my mum that night or since.

I should hope not, but did you not notice all the middle-of-the-night groaning and banging and crashing from your parents' bedroom in the following weeks? 

[unclepokey]

I have had occasion these last few days to re-examine my testamentary dispositions (Johnny, go to the headmasters study immediately and take that smirk off your face!) and realized that I'd not made a will to cover my 'other' life - a 'punter's will', if you will. (Please forgive that one)
I have a friend, a fellow punter, someone I trust, 20 years my junior, who may be able to be my 'punting executor'. If he agrees I will park with my 'normal' executor a confidential letter to the punting executor explaining the various SPs I'd like to attend at my funerials  and their contact details. He would then ask them to dress as demurely as possible but to join in the singing as much as they felt able. If challenged they would say something along the lines "Oh fuck, we've got the date wrong. Our friend is tomorrow" They would then go off to the nearest pub and have a glass or two with my punting executor who will be provided (intra vires) with a small allowance for the purpose.
I would rest happy.

[usroads]

terrible man ww...nothing wrong with bean counters having a spreadsheet to manage their punts!

Imagine that coming to light! ' Why did Uncle bean have a spreadsheet with funny headings like OWO x 2pcm = £40, A levels every 6 weeks at £60 and HE x 3 per month at £25 leaving a surplus for getting kicked in the bollox every 2 months by Mistress!'

  i'm not an Accountant - however, has anyone watched "The Accountant" - it changed my views completely 

[winkywanky]

I have had occasion these last few days to re-examine my testamentary dispositions (Johnny, go to the headmasters study immediately and take that smirk off your face!) and realized that I'd not made a will to cover my 'other' life - a 'punter's will', if you will. (Please forgive that one)
I have a friend, a fellow punter, someone I trust, 20 years my junior, who may be able to be my 'punting executor'. If he agrees I will park with my 'normal' executor a confidential letter to the punting executor explaining the various SPs I'd like to attend at my funerials  and their contact details. He would then ask them to dress as demurely as possible but to join in the singing as much as they felt able. If challenged they would say something along the lines "Oh fuck, we've got the date wrong. Our friend is tomorrow" They would then go off to the nearest pub and have a glass or two with my punting executor who will be provided (intra vires) with a small allowance for the purpose.
I would rest happy.

Firstly the question must be asked: would that envelope have written on the front: 'In the event of my death, deliver to my punting executor'?

Secondly, despite you obviously having regulars and favourites among your WG 'family', do you honestly think they'd turn up at your funeral?   

(I guess they might be interested in the wake, and infact I guess a big part of their job, if they were any good, would have been 'waking up the dead'  )

[usroads]

For those highly-valued accountants everywhere: External Link/Members Only

  Fabulous - Bloody pissed myself

[OakTree]

For years I've kept a daily diary plus all the reviews I've ever written for numerous sites. I've often wondered about wether to leave info for passwords for when I die. How would friends and relatives react to reading what exactly I'd been getting up to? Or just leave it all locked up never to be seen.

[winkywanky]

For years I've kept a daily diary plus all the reviews I've ever written for numerous sites. I've often wondered about wether to leave info for passwords for when I die. How would friends and relatives react to reading what exactly I'd been getting up to? Or just leave it all locked up never to be seen.

I reckon a large portion of them would be keen to see your top tips for a groovy punt, as well as whether the hottest birds were still active  .

[unclepokey]

Firstly the question must be asked: would that envelope have written on the front: 'In the event of my death, deliver to my punting executor'?

Secondly, despite you obviously having regulars and favourites among your WG 'family', do you honestly think they'd turn up at your funeral?   

(I guess they might be interested in the wake, and infact I guess a big part of their job, if they were any good, would have been 'waking up the dead'  )

Serious answer: No it would be to Mr x at y address

Yes, there would be three or four. One, If I'm lucky would in fact be my widow by then.

Three: I laughed at that one. How true, how very true.
Keep up the good work
UP

[CheeseBoard]

I have had occasion these last few days to re-examine my testamentary dispositions (Johnny, go to the headmasters study immediately and take that smirk off your face!) and realized that I'd not made a will to cover my 'other' life - a 'punter's will', if you will. (Please forgive that one)
I have a friend, a fellow punter, someone I trust, 20 years my junior, who may be able to be my 'punting executor'. If he agrees I will park with my 'normal' executor a confidential letter to the punting executor explaining the various SPs I'd like to attend at my funerials  and their contact details. He would then ask them to dress as demurely as possible but to join in the singing as much as they felt able. If challenged they would say something along the lines "Oh fuck, we've got the date wrong. Our friend is tomorrow" They would then go off to the nearest pub and have a glass or two with my punting executor who will be provided (intra vires) with a small allowance for the purpose.
I would rest happy.

You have to give your executor a tidy sum and some fairly comprehensive instructions I imagine.  Assuming you have 5 wgs you want to attend, minimum 3 hours each (assuming £150 / hour) £2,250 (2 hours funeral time and 1 hour fun time with each for the executor (and travel though you could have them picked up along the way).  An outfit for each (something saucy under the black dress or pay for the dress with nothing underneath).

The list could go on.  It would be fun planning it 

As for the punting equipment, keep it in a bag somewhere (shed or something) with the name of a person you dont like at work on it.  That would get you a last laugh when they are contacted to take receipt of 'their' bag 

[winkywanky]

Serious answer: No it would be to Mr x at y address

Yes, there would be three or four. One, If I'm lucky would in fact be my widow by then.

Three: I laughed at that one. How true, how very true.
Keep up the good work
UP

The whole of my post was actually meant lightheartedly  .

Have you told your 'future widow' of your intentions yet?

[threechilliman]

Very timely topic for some of us over the coming months 

If it exists it will be found. I remember coming home from school one day and heading straight to my wanking fodder stash hidden in my bedroom which consisted of a few topless pictures. It had gone!

I felt sick and my erection rapidly subsided.

Not a word was said over dinner by my mum that night or since.

I had a big pile of scud in my bedroom in my late teens. My mum used to dust them and occasionally have a little gander. She were pretty sound were my mum.

[Happylad]

I hide my punting equipment in my underpants.

The only punting equipment I have ever had is that which normally lies in my underpants.  I don`t use pills, I rely on the SP to provide condoms (that`s a part of what I`m paying for) and I`ve never used any other than a perfectly ordinary 12 year old Nokia mobile `phone which is my normal `phone for all purposes.

Hopefully, when I die all will go into the coffin with me (the `phone in case I find I`m not dead after all)

[unclepokey]

The whole of my post was actually meant lightheartedly  .

Have you told your 'future widow' of your intentions yet?

Yes and we are aligned on the future possibilities have no doubts. We, and obviously your good-self, await the future with interest. You may yet get an invite.

[unclepokey]

You have to give your executor a tidy sum and some fairly comprehensive instructions I imagine.  Assuming you have 5 wgs you want to attend, minimum 3 hours each (assuming £150 / hour) £2,250 (2 hours funeral time and 1 hour fun time with each for the executor (and travel though you could have them picked up along the way).  An outfit for each (something saucy under the black dress or pay for the dress with nothing underneath).

The list could go on.  It would be fun planning it 

As for the punting equipment, keep it in a bag somewhere (shed or something) with the name of a person you dont like at work on it.  That would get you a last laugh when they are contacted to take receipt of 'their' bag 

A brilliant series of thoughts for which I'm grateful. I wasn't actually thinking of providing cash - nor for the women I 'invite' would they want it as they've become friends, trust me. I do think a couple of rounds of drinks would be appropriate and my punting executor will be appropriately furnished.

[Doc Holliday]

I had a big pile of scud in my bedroom in my late teens. My mum used to dust them .

You let them gather dust? 

[winkywanky]

Yes and we are aligned on the future possibilities have no doubts. We, and obviously your good-self, await the future with interest. You may yet get an invite.

If it's in East Anglia somewhere, I'd be honoured to be on the list (selfishly of course, I shall be thinking of some of the bridesmaids and maids of honour who she'll invite  ).

[B4bcock]

You let them gather dust? 

Maybe it was wet, sticky "dust".

[winkywanky]

You let them gather dust? 

Sounds like a WG with a dusty phone. Not good! 

(I bet the pages were stuck together though  )

[winkywanky]

The only punting equipment I have ever had is that which normally lies in my underpants.  I don`t use pills, I rely on the SP to provide condoms (that`s a part of what I`m paying for) and I`ve never used any other than a perfectly ordinary 12 year old Nokia mobile `phone which is my normal `phone for all purposes.

Hopefully, when I die all will go into the coffin with me (the `phone in case I find I`m not dead after all)

If you're not dead, yet lying in your coffin, even if you manage to get a signal you might find an Outcall somewhat troublesome.

[B4bcock]

How would friends and relatives react to reading what exactly I'd been getting up to? Or just leave it all locked up never to be seen.

That is exactly the point of this thread - where do you lock it up never to be seen? 

[winkywanky]

You can't.

It's one of the likely inevitabilities of punting.

When you're no longer there to guard your secret, it stops being a secret.

I think in reality whoever discovered it wouldn't pass it on to others though.

[winkywanky]

At some point someone will fire up this computer and be able to see all my posts on here.

Hellooooooooo!   

[Doc Holliday]

Hate to add an element of seriousness but if we follow Italy there won't be any funerals. Once you leave your home for hospital and if you do not recover you will never be seen by your family again.

Returning to humour I used to have a very substantial collection of VHS porn in the loft. When we moved house Mrs Holliday said we should get rid of it for the very reasons given in this thread. So we packed them all up into bin bags and took them to the local tip recycling centre.

Just as we were putting the last ones into the skip she dropped one and a nearby attendant picked it up and said "I'll do that one for you" and picked it up. As we got into the car we saw him about to throw it in the skip, but he stopped and felt the bag and began to open it.

I put my foot on the accelerator. This would have been highly embarrassing as we had put the sealed bags in non recyclable waste and they maybe should have been unbagged and in the 'hard plastics' skip 

[winkywanky]

Returning to humour I used to have a very substantial collection of VHS porn in the loft. When we moved house Mrs Holliday said we should get rid of it for the very reasons given in this thread. So we packed them all up into bin bags and took them to the local tip recycling centre.

Just as we were putting the last ones into the skip she dropped one and a nearby attendant picked it up and said "I'll do that one for you" and picked it up. As we got into the car we saw him about to throw it in the skip, but he stopped and felt the bag and began to open it.

I put my foot on the accelerator. This would have been highly embarrassing as we had put the sealed bags in non recyclable waste and they maybe should have been unbagged and in the 'hard plastics' skip 

 

Tell you what, somehow I couldn't see the guy dobbing you in, especially as his viewing for the next two weeks was now taken care of. Additionally, it would have made him an accessory to your crime  .

[winkywanky]

Hate to add an element of seriousness but if we follow Italy there won't be any funerals. Once you leave your home for hospital and if you do not recover you will never be seen by your family again.

Yes, this is awful.

Similarly, those with ageing parents/relatives in Care Homes aren't being allowed to visit either.

So as that relative, not only can you not see them in the Home, you're powerless to act if Covid-19 appears there, with the somewhat inevitable consequences of that. On the news a few days ago there was a middle-aged Spanish guy virtually in tears after being turned away from trying to see his mum. The virus had already been detected there by this point.