What is the funniest thing you've heard about punting experiences ?

[webpunter]

I've just added a post on the "getting away with it" 'racked up' by CueBall.  This got me thinking.  Hence this thread.  Amongst a number of pearlers from my real life punting mates this one stands out.  I've just cut & pasted

A mate of mine [categorically not me - thank fuck] had a massage + HJ.  What he didn't realize was that rather than lotion the girlie was using self-tanning cream [she must have run out - or maybe not ?].  Coz he was staying away that night for work he went to bed after a load of beer / curry previously [the other thread referred to no shower].  Bet he was popular in the parlour.  When having a shower in the morning he noticed some areas a bit browner than others.  He had to have loads of baths and had to go to bed a bit later than usual for a few days by which time the OH was asleep.  Fortunately it was winter and he wore his pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt. The pyjama bottoms raised an eye-brow from the OH as he hadn't worn them for a year+.  He told me & two other mates when we were on the golf course when we were just about to tee off.  We literally collapsed with laughter and it took me 2 minutes to take my shot.  Which not surprisingly was shit

Scout's honour !    Any more UKP'ers ?

[Sparquin]

I have mentioned this one before but I think it bears repeating.

I went to see a reg who was French and one of my faves. Whenever I saw her the Brigadier was safely accommodated in her mouth before I could get my kit off. One day I felt a strange burning sensation in the head whilst she was gobbling away and started to think I must have got some STD that had suddenly erupted. I felt quite panicked until I noticed she had been eating pepperoni salami just before our session.

[threechilliman]

I have mentioned this one before but I think it bears repeating.

I went to see a reg who was French and one of my faves. Whenever I saw her the Brigadier was safely accommodated in her mouth before I could get my kit off. One day I felt a strange burning sensation in the head whilst she was gobbling away and started to think I must have got some STD that had suddenly erupted. I felt quite panicked until I noticed she had been eating pepperoni salami just before our session.

Which did she prefer? Pepperoni or a good, old-fashioned British sausage?

tcm

[Sparquin]

I am pleased to report that the good old British sausage delivered the goods in style.

[KidCandyShop]

Not long ago when having my prepunt shower I looked around for some shower gel which there seemed a lack off so I grabbed the shampoo and started lathering up, when my bollocks had  a cold tingerling feeling which gradually got warmer. Looked at the shampoo and it was teetree oil and mint not a good combination. Much splashing of cold water over the chaps and eventually got into the  bedroom where when I told the two waiting young ladies what had gone on they pissed themselves laughing but were very apologetic.
Funnily enough the tingerling sensation was very pleasurable during the double blowjob. 

[cueball]

I don't know if this is funny or cringe worthy

my punt is in a flat in a gated community, 4 high rise towers and a fenced car park.

Car park gates are open, I park up.

Call lass..
She says "it's building xx flat number xx, buzz and I'll let you in.
I get to building press flat xx and call
Female voice on other says "hello"
I say "I'm here"
She says "who? I'm not expecting anybody"
I say lasses name
She says "not me"

Then I looked at the building number, I'm at the wrong fuckin building

That's the second time I've dropped such a bollock, similar type of thing except there was no answer and a fuckin cleaner let me into the building, I were knocking on the right flat in the wrong fuckin building again, good job there was no bugger in when I were knocking, that time I got a call off the prossie "I thought you were parked up and on your way, where are you" more embarrassment "err, sorry love, I'm in the wrong building"

[Zeusthedoc]

'my mate.....' or 'i once heard....'

I'm expecting to see permutations of these phrases quite often on this thread....

I've got a mate (see what i did there) - usually gets drunk as shit and heads off for a punt.
This one occasion he had the shits quite bad, he is partial to having the odd finger tickling his prostate.
well, you can see where this is going. Luckily there was a towel down on the bed and apparently the WG was wearing gloves, otherwise it could have been a lot messier than it ended up being.

Quite why he was punting / prostate massaging with a bad stomach i'm not sure. But he was pretty drunk, so it's anyones guess.

[threechilliman]

Early on in my punting career I nearly knocked on the wrong door. Apartments on the top floor, she gave me the number and when I got on to the landing there were only two doors to choose from. Looked left, wrong number so just turned to the other door and as I was about to knock realised that wasn't the right one either. A moment later I realised there was another door behind me that you doubled back to.

Last time I visited my favourite, I couldn't remember which floor she was on, so ended up getting out of the lift on each floor to look until I found it! Now etched in my mind, which is good as I'll be going there again in the near future.....

tcm

[Horizontal pleasures]

Old Bill arriving at Cynthia Payne's house in Ambleside Avenue, Streatham one evening during what she called her 'bunk-up' nights; this was her way of describing the evening before a party when some ladies from out of town were already arrived and by invitation I could sample the delights. I was in bed with a very BBW tall young hippy lady and her very skinny short friend both from South Wales. We were hard at it like ying and yang when they knocked and entered the room.

The police laughed almost as much as we did once the shock wore off. No consequences for me. Phew.

[KingAlpha]

Crikey HP, how far back was that? The Dunkirk of punting!

[Zeusthedoc]

Story told by WG:

She had a client who wanted to sample some anal play (on him). He swore blind he was a newbie at it - claimed he would be tight and insisted that she use her smallest butt plug.

On all 4s & lubed up, she started to press it in, the plug needed no encouragement (neither did he)...it shot up him like a rocket, he would intermittently clench and it would go further up him, she was trying to get him to relax to try and fish it out....had her whole fist up him at one stage. Eventually, she squirted water up (using a douche) and told him to try and shit it out....he claims there was nothing in the toilet each time he went...she took him to hospital, x-rays failed to show anything (it was a rubber butt plug)...She had to cancel the rest of the day (had a few other punters lined up for later).

They cut their losses...his being; his dignity, hers being; a butt plug and the rest of the day's clients.

[GreyDave]

Old Bill arriving at Cynthia Payne's house in Ambleside Avenue, Streatham one evening during what she called her 'bunk-up' nights; this was her way of describing the evening before a party when some ladies from out of town were already arrived and by invitation I could sample the delights. I was in bed with a very BBW tall young hippy lady and her very skinny short friend both from South Wales. We were hard at it like ying and yang when they knocked and entered the room.

The police laughed almost as much as we did once the shock wore off. No consequences for me. Phew.

  Respect for a Lunchon Voucher Lad  Thats historic punting (HP )

[Horizontal pleasures]

Crikey HP, how far back was that? The Dunkirk of punting!

must have been late 1970s at a guess.

[Horizontal pleasures]

Respect for a Lunchon Voucher Lad  Thats historic punting (HP )

thanks
many stories
someone was doing it in the bath as the bedrooms were full. I needed to have my punt and go back home to missus HP who thought I was at work. So I went into the bathroom and sat down on the bog to do a shit. The couple in the bath upped and went very fast, I put them off their strokes. My lady partner came in with a duvet and we occupied the bath, the trick worked! It was not usually overcrowded.

Yes we really did receive Luncheon Vouchers, as they were called, when we arrived and paid and each voucher was one punt. I usually bought two for a duo or two singles with an interval.

[Ben4454]

I may have said it before but i will expand on it a bit. Decided to see this hot MILF about a year ago and while we were at it and I was banging her like a minotaur someone knocks on the door. She then gets a bit of a shock as some bloke walks in full bollock naked... he then rubs his eyes a little bit. I then turn to her like what the fuck is going on ? All sorts of things went through my mind... possibly the boyfriend scam or perhaps a old punter who got lost on the way out. Turns out it was her husband who had just woken up. He then closed the door and said 'sorry' ended up finishing up and left.

[johnnyboy61]

Visiting a newbie she was in a rather smart apartment complex. Went in the entrance and walked confidently past the concierge. She explained that it was in the block on the left when you got into the central courtyard. Saw that the path went to the centre, but thought I would take the direct diagonal across the grass, or that's what it looked like in the dark. Arrived at the flat with the trousers of my suit dripping wet and asking if I could hang them up as I'd walked straight through the middle of an ornamental pool. WG was killing herself laughing and she must have thought me a right plonker! Good introduction - she wasn't that good anyway, but if I'd have gone back I'm sure she would remember me as the idiot who walked through the pond.

[DG]

I don't know if this is funny or cringe worthy

my punt is in a flat in a gated community, 4 high rise towers and a fenced car park.

Car park gates are open, I park up.

Call lass..
She says "it's building xx flat number xx, buzz and I'll let you in.
I get to building press flat xx and call
Female voice on other says "hello"
I say "I'm here"
She says "who? I'm not expecting anybody"
I say lasses name
She says "not me"

Then I looked at the building number, I'm at the wrong fuckin building

That's the second time I've dropped such a bollock, similar type of thing except there was no answer and a fuckin cleaner let me into the building, I were knocking on the right flat in the wrong fuckin building again, good job there was no bugger in when I were knocking, that time I got a call off the prossie "I thought you were parked up and on your way, where are you" more embarrassment "err, sorry love, I'm in the wrong building"

Had a similar experience with a WG who lives close by. To be fair when she gave me her address she said put it in the satnav, but because it was local I thought I knew better. Her house was in one of those sprawling council estates with roads like a maze. So I turned up the road I thought was hers, parked and told her I was there. Up to the front door and knocked. No answer. Knocked again, still no answer. Beginning to think I've been dicked about and a text comes in asking where am I? I text back saying at your front door. No you're not she replies, I'm looking out my window and you ain't there. Luckily the house I was at was empty and I finally made it to the punt. My first squirter 

[myothernameis]

Was waiting to see Kelly from NBS Glasgow, so while she was with another punter, she was rather noisy as anyone who has seen her knows

Well someone had come to read the gas meter, and the guy couldn't help but comment, sounds like she having a good time