What’s the funniest punt you have ever had?

[DylzzCee]

I’ve seen threads about the worst punts and best punts people have had. So what’s the funniest punt you’ve had? Mine was when I was in a missionary position with an escort and suddenly her tv randomly started on full blast. Scaring us both.

[JonasG]

Only thing that springs to mind is this lol. When I first started out in punting it was always when drunk around 3am or whatever and there was this Romanian whore house in Hounslow around about the summer of 2017 who were always available late.

Booked one and for a Romanian she was actually quite friendly and good, albeit a bit chubby but she did DFK which in hindsight is a surprise.

I had her in doggy and I was spanking her maybe a little too hard as I was drunk and she said please don't and she said how would you like it if I spanked you like that lol or something. I said I'd be fine with it and then I got on all fours on the bed and she started spanking me with her hand and after a while she said her hand was getting tired so then she got her slipper out and started spanking me with that lol.

Ultimately I never cummed and it was your typical shit drunk punt but was a funny session with a surprisingly upbeat Romanian WG who would've been great if I was sober.

[davey.edwards1969]

Earlier this year I had a great session with a regular girl
She was on all 4's and I was pounding away up her arse when I ran out of steam and told her I needed a break - " no problem" she said so I stopped thrusting to get my breath back - I expected her to move away but she didn't
So there I was still balls deep in her arse when she turned her head around and out of the blue said "What do you think of Dominic Cummins going to Barnard Castle then ?"
The followed about a 10 min discussion between us about the political situation with me still buried in her arse
At one point she said "its a shame that people aren't more interested in politics - perhaps during Question Time on TV if Keir Starmer was to bend Priti Patel over the desk and bugger her senseless more people would watch "  and we both had a good laugh
I said "well as long as it wasn't Ann Widdecombe "   
Then she asked if if was ready to carry on - so I resumed giving her a good seeing too

Afterwards as she was walking around the room to collect her garments - which were all over the place - every time she took a step she kept farting after all the air I'd pumped up there - she was very apologetic but as the saying goes"we both saw the funny side of it" - guess that's the advantage of having a regular - you both feel more relaxed about things

They tend to cut that bit out in porn films don't they !!!

Definitely one of my funniest punts 

[myothernameis]

While waiting in the lounge for a cabin to become free, in a Glasgow Sauna, just watching tv.  Two girls working, but the girl I'm waiting for is already in with someone.  The other girl come in and joins me on the sofa, now with the wall in this place being very thin, and you can hear all that go on

The towel I have on dosnt cover me much, and began to get an erection, which the other girl found funny, and about this time the other guy left, so she then locked the door.  With out any encouragement, she began to suck my cock, and then the other girl entered the lounge, which we told her, you were to noisy, and I ended up with an erection

The other girl sat next to me, and we began kissing, and playing with each other, and both of them eventually strip there clothes of, and the next half hour, we just fucked.  Now this was never repeated, but the nearest thing to this was in another sauna, where one of the punter liked to have sex on the couch, and wanted others to watch them

[mrwhite]

Funniest one I ever had was with a lass on tour in Glasgow a few years ago.

Her phone was on the side, and it just kept vibrating on silent and she kept ignoring it.

After about 20 minutes of her getting calls from they same number, she asked if I minded her answering. (At this moment in time we were enjoying some anal cowgirl)  I said go ahead, it must be really important for it to keep ringing.

She looked at the phone and clocked the 20 or so missed calls were all from the same number, and answered it. 

The guy asked her if she was free right now for a 30 minute incall, and her reply was priceless, telling him that obviously no she wasn't or she would have answered on the first ring, and could he please leave her alone as she had a massive cock buried in her arse and that his constant calls were distracting her from having a massive orgasm.

She extended the booking to make up for the distraction and had her massive orgasm (or faked it at least) while squirting everywhere later in the booking.

[Brumbrum]

I met a Chinese girl in an apartment and midway through the punt, someone started knocking the door and she was puzzled, she answered it in her broken English and it was a real estate agent asking if she was free to check something out, considering she was in her gown with no clothes on underneath, he must of figured out what was going on, then she asked me when he left what he was asking about as she couldn’t understand. Let’s just say it wasn’t the greatest of punts I’ve had to date

[itk]

Going back many years to the late 90’s me and a mate had picked up 2 street girls from Norwich and we ended up at their place which only had one double bed. Ended up fucking next to each other, and my mate reached across and started playing with the WG’s tits I was fucking. Still remember her saying, Oi, he’s getting a crafty feel.’
Best one though didn’t involve me but another punting mate. I’ve said here before there were three of us who used to all punt together up to three or four times a week back in the mid/late 90’s. It was one night when one mate decided to have a punt and he’d been in the churchyard off Ber Street (Norwich) before with WG’s, so he assumed he’d be off there. Met him 20 mins later and he looked thoroughly fucked off, told us she’d got him to fuck her basically on the pavement about 20 yards from the main road. (Mariners Lane next to the old BMW garage) He spent the rest of the night complaining about his grazed knees.

[sparkus]

I always remember them and then never find an appropriate thread on here.  Some that come to mind, all Africans.

- the bonkers African masseuse who worked around Warren Street, big chebs, shared flat with teenage son (who I ended up sat talking to for ages about PS3 games once) who did some kind of weird roleplay in bed where she writhed around and screamed like a 'abused girl' (her words).  She did the 'abused' fetish again, saying it was her 'fantasy' to be raped by a missionary/pastor ("He fire his milk up me").
- the time visited a house of supposed aunt and niece and pulled off the younger one after unloading (it had been a partial 3some before the older one 'left us to it'), standing up naked in the bedroom to look out the curtain-less window and see a garden of geezers and assorted family looking up at me open-mouthed from their barbeque
- when I visited a supposed 'Big African woman' as advertised and found a huge woman-mountain in a nighty, with a fellow African kneeling at her bed in prayer before he made his excuses, her teenage son both letting me in and out and then following me on his mountain bike when I walked

[mr.bluesky]

Many years ago having made a booking at a well known Birmingham massage parlour I needed to use the toilet before going into the room. The lady I booked with went into the room to run the Jacuzzi whilst I entered the bathroom. Un beknown to me there was another lady already inside standing in front of the mirror at the sink putting her make up on. I apologised and was going to leave the room but she said it was ok as long as it was not a dump I was needing and to carry on so I stood at the toilet having a piss talking and joking with the other lady when she asked me if I wanted it " shaking"  dry so naturally I said yes. She then came over to me and took my cock in her hand and proceded to shake it dry. However she didn't stop there but proceeded to wank me off into the toilet bowl. After the deed was done she just smiled at me and left the room after washing her hands. 

[sparkus]

One that sticks out years later as it amused me no end was a trusty place above a chicken shop which consistently delivered the goods but for a few months had a Russian on with a serious pair of chebs which merited many returns.

She was sat on me in CG and while stroking them I asked her if when she was younger and at school the boys made reference to her chebs.  She tossed her head back and said "Is truth."

[dave_59]

In the Northampton Travel Lodge Wootton....
She said on arrival, and I quote.... 'A woman in the corridor looked at me as if I'm a prostitute....'
Made me smile 

[toshmanuk]

Not a punt per se, but with somebody I shouldn't have been. It was about 6 years ago and we were back at her place and this particular occasion I was giving her anal and on every thrust she yelled 'fuck my arse' and she just kept doing it, 'fuck my arse, fuck my arse, fuck my arse'. I started finding it funny, I giggled and then struggled to stifle my laughter but not wanting to offend I started to bite my on fist because I didn't want to burst out laughing, eventually I'd been biting so hard I drew blood.

She was a great girl, very enthusiastic, absolute filth too.

[MrMatrix]

Earlier this year I had a great session with a regular girl
She was on all 4's and I was pounding away up her arse when I ran out of steam and told her I needed a break - " no problem" she said so I stopped thrusting to get my breath back - I expected her to move away but she didn't
So there I was still balls deep in her arse when she turned her head around and out of the blue said "What do you think of Dominic Cummins going to Barnard Castle then ?"
The followed about a 10 min discussion between us about the political situation with me still buried in her arse
At one point she said "its a shame that people aren't more interested in politics - perhaps during Question Time on TV if Keir Starmer was to bend Priti Patel over the desk and bugger her senseless more people would watch "  and we both had a good laugh
I said "well as long as it wasn't Ann Widdecombe "   
Then she asked if if was ready to carry on - so I resumed giving her a good seeing too

Afterwards as she was walking around the room to collect her garments - which were all over the place - every time she took a step she kept farting after all the air I'd pumped up there - she was very apologetic but as the saying goes"we both saw the funny side of it" - guess that's the advantage of having a regular - you both feel more relaxed about things

They tend to cut that bit out in porn films don't they !!!

Definitely one of my funniest punts 

I burst out laughing at this DE. You couldn't make this up.

[Mr lovepants]

I had a lovely massage in Southampton two years ago ended up getting her gas boiler working.
She had been living off cold food for 2 or 3 days.
Didnt understand how her meter key worked.

[HailWood]

The numerous fanny farts that I’ve heard over the years have always made me laugh. Partly because I’m a bloke and any farts are funny but also the inevitable embarrassment and apologies which follow a fanny fart (which in my company is really quite unnecessary).

[sparkus]

I'm sure regulars of the London board who have frequented the many shops worked in or run by 'Kelly' will have tales to tale, given her usual forte is to sit on men's groins strumming her ladybits while belting out Chinese folk songs.

[Strokemeplease]

I was in Canada on business. I came back to my hotel room and found an escort agency card on the pillow; the maid must have left it there. I phoned the number and she knocked on the door about half an hour later. I fucked her, and as she was getting ready to leave I said "Please stay longer, I'll give you more money." She said
"No, I've got to go, I've got friends round and I told them that I'm just popping out to the store to get a few things."

[Thephoenix]

I suppose you always remember your first punt.

I booked a girl advertising sensual massage in the Sunday Sport, must have been about 30 years ago.

She lived above some shops in Wallasey. I rang the bell and heard this big clomp of feet coming down the stairs. The door opened and hiding behind was a very pretty young woman dressed in sexy lingerie which was about three sizes too small, the reason being that she was really fat.
I'm not talking cuddly here, she was like The Michelin Man.
And to make it was she was really out of breath and wheezing.

As I followed her up the stairs I could tell she was getting more breathless.
I wanted to walk, but in those days I wasn't as confident punting wise, and in any case I felt a bit sorry for the poor girl.

I heard her puffing on an inhaler as I lay down on what appeared to be a decorating table with a layer of foam on top. After a while I could tell she was struggling and she seemed to have a cold as her nose was running, with occasional little drips falling down.

She offered sex,  and despite the situation Dick Brain couldn't refuse. There was no way I was chancing michelin woman climbing into the massage table, so I suggested she stand up and lean forward on the table and I would slip her a goldfish from behind.

This was going ok.... she's resting on the table wheezing away.  I'm banging away frantically trying to cum, then suddenly one end of the table collapses. We both go sliding down one end and landing in a big heap on the floor, amazingly with my dick still inside....how it hadn't got snapped off I'll never know.

So at this stage I don't whether to keep fucking or call an ambulance..... possibly for both of us!!!.

With a lot of effort I managed to get her upright again, and despite all her obvious distress she managed to see the funny side. Needless to say I curtailed the punt , paid the money and after making sure she was ok, left the building as Elvis would say.

The poor girl obviously wasn't cut out for punting and I actually felt quite sorry for her.
Just put it down to experience.

And if you're thinking it sounds like something from a Norman Wisdom film...... I can assure you it's true.

[sparkus]

My first punt wasn't so funny but the third or fourth (don't remember) was.  African brothel in Barking on Ilford Lane, usually two girls on but that day just the one and I was made to wait with the maid.  When the previous punter was finished I was shunted into a vacant room but could pretty much see and hear everything through my ajar door and he was like so many people in Barking a white van bloke with a shaved head, sunburnt skin etc. (I think there's a meat product slur for this now).  He was putting his clothes back on and the WG was engaged in chit chat and he suddenly angrily said to her "Oi! No peaking!" - she's a WG who's just seen you undress and had you on top of her, a bit late for that! She left and sat with the maid and he left in silence.

[unclepokey]

There's a lovely woman I've known for almost 20 years and I get to see her two or three times a year. She doesn't allow penile penetration but just about anything else goes. Her personality is the thing and I always leave with a spring in my step and a grin on my face. A couple of years ago I was finishing myself off whilst she used a prostate massage dildo on me and I came with a really good spurt.
She retrieved the dildo and I had an urge to cough.
I could not stop myself but I farted mightily and a moment later another cough and a repeat performance. We both collapsed in mirth, me spluttering my apologies.
She said not to worry and a lot of guys do likewise after she uses that dildo on them although most blokes find themselves sneezing after orgasm.
Farts are intrinsically funny.

[Mr Sinister]

Done some crazy shit abroad with the lads utter madness we still laugh about it once even being held captive by a couple of wgs.

Here i can only think of Roxy in my review section a complete wtf experience. Funny thing I've been tempted to go back and see her again just to give a hate smash her ass was good. If she ever returns again I'll seriously consider it.

[Moby Dick]

Plenty of Comedy antics with this one:

External Link/Members Only

Always up for a giggle:
https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=224764.0
https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=248566.0

Doesn’t take her self too seriously,
Especially when she tries to encourage us to DP her by shoving a truncheon up her arse.

[Wowgeek]

This is another one of those, it wasn’t me but...... tales.

Some years ago I was staying in a Leeds hotel with some friends for an FA cup semi-final game. There were a couple of younger lads, but clearly monied, who were in the same hotel. As chaps do, we exchanged pleasantries in the bar. We both went our separate ways for the evening, but returned to the bar about 1am for some more drinks.

The two lads walked in, both beaming from ear to ear.  They had visited the local brothel and had clearly had a good time. We got chatting again and one of the guys turns to his friend and say ‘Well aren’t you going to thank me?’, his mate looked puzzled and asked why. The first guy said ‘Well when we went in I spoke to the maid and paid for your girl as well as mine, I think that deserves a thank you’. His mate burst out laughing and said ‘I did the same for you!’

There were obviously some very happy hookers that night 😀

[thekingreturns]

This is another one of those, it wasn’t me but...... tales.

Some years ago I was staying in a Leeds hotel with some friends for an FA cup semi-final game. There were a couple of younger lads, but clearly monied, who were in the same hotel. As chaps do, we exchanged pleasantries in the bar. We both went our separate ways for the evening, but returned to the bar about 1am for some more drinks.

The two lads walked in, both beaming from ear to ear.  They had visited the local brothel and had clearly had a good time. We got chatting again and one of the guys turns to his friend and say ‘Well aren’t you going to thank me?’, his mate looked puzzled and asked why. The first guy said ‘Well when we went in I spoke to the maid and paid for your girl as well as mine, I think that deserves a thank you’. His mate burst out laughing and said ‘I did the same for you!’

There were obviously some very happy hookers that night 😀

Loved those days when FA Cup semis were at proper grounds and Wembley was just used for the final.

My funniest I've mentioned a couple of times on here.. In Prague with a street hooker walking up a street which I knew had some nice hotels but no she had the keys to a shopping centre and we had sex on the stairs outside some shops.

[FlaccidChimp]

Mine was when I went to see this escort who made a relationship proposal to me after we did it. I was hanging around after the punt because she basically asked me to be her boyfriend and continuing the conversation, when a guy phoned her and asked to have her "shit on his face" which I couldn't stop laughing at. I ran into the restroom and laughed in there so he couldn't hear me laughing in the background. She then went on to tell me men in this country don't care about sex. I guess most requests to her were about kinks and fetishes.

[sparkus]

Mine was when I went to see this escort who made a relationship proposal to me after we did it. I was hanging around after the punt because she basically asked me to be her boyfriend and continuing the conversation, when a guy phoned her and asked to have her "shit on his face" which I couldn't stop laughing at. I ran into the restroom and laughed in there so he couldn't hear me laughing in the background. She then went on to tell me men in this country don't care about sex. I guess most requests to her were about kinks and fetishes.

 

I do love a good relationship proposal, especially when I say "I don't think I could afford to pay you for sex every night..."

"Boyfrien' no pay!"

[FlaccidChimp]

I do love a good relationship proposal, especially when I say "I don't think I could afford to pay you for sex every night..."

"Boyfrien' no pay!"

I didn't realise what I had. Free sex is nearly always good. I just saw her as overweight. She convince me to be her boyfriend while she continues her sex work. I should've said yes just try and get free sessions.

[sparkus]

I didn't realise what I had. Free sex is nearly always good. I just saw her as overweight. She convince me to be her boyfriend while she continues her sex work. I should've said yes just try and get free sessions.

The one who said this was scrawny Chinese with an 80s bubble perm, very early in my punting career when I hadn't learnt how to 'walk'.

[DylzzCee]

Earlier this year I had a great session with a regular girl
She was on all 4's and I was pounding away up her arse when I ran out of steam and told her I needed a break - " no problem" she said so I stopped thrusting to get my breath back - I expected her to move away but she didn't
So there I was still balls deep in her arse when she turned her head around and out of the blue said "What do you think of Dominic Cummins going to Barnard Castle then ?"
The followed about a 10 min discussion between us about the political situation with me still buried in her arse
At one point she said "its a shame that people aren't more interested in politics - perhaps during Question Time on TV if Keir Starmer was to bend Priti Patel over the desk and bugger her senseless more people would watch "  and we both had a good laugh
I said "well as long as it wasn't Ann Widdecombe "   
Then she asked if if was ready to carry on - so I resumed giving her a good seeing too

Afterwards as she was walking around the room to collect her garments - which were all over the place - every time she took a step she kept farting after all the air I'd pumped up there - she was very apologetic but as the saying goes"we both saw the funny side of it" - guess that's the advantage of having a regular - you both feel more relaxed about things

They tend to cut that bit out in porn films don't they !!!

Definitely one of my funniest punts 

Brilliant 

[Bhamguy]

Mr bluesky great story been to a few massage parlours in brum.not for a few years though had some good ones.

[Kingb3000]

A long long time ago somewhere near Bethnal Green.  Met a Brazilian with amazing hips on the top floor of an current or ex council block about 6 floors.

Think I got the lift up and there were 2 youths leaning on a balcony but not so close as I had to physically pass them.  Got me slightly concerned but too late to turn back now said one part of my thinking apparatus.

Anyway great session.  Maybe I left with a smile on my face not sure. Took the stairs.  As I was descending one of the youths commented loudly...SOMEONE HAD A GOOD TIME   !!!

Yep

[mdiver1]

In my early twenties I was at an terraced house incall. As she was opening the door to let me out the prossie, who was similar age to me, told me her mates are outside to pick her up.
I had no choice but to walk out. There I was walking out to about 3 lads my age in a black Corsa laughing their arse off.
I just smiled and walked to my car.

[f_angel]

Now this was never repeated, but the nearest thing to this was in another sauna, where one of the punter liked to have sex on the couch, and wanted others to watch them

Since it was a Glasgow sauna, I bet that was the boy the went to New Blythswood and sat in the back lounge with a bottle of coke.

[Stevelondon]

Not sure if funny, but sticks in my mind.

Arranged to visit a SP in Vauxhall. As I was walking from the station to her postcode I got a text saying she was running late. Mentioned there was a pub at the end of her road and asked me to wait there if possible.
Didn’t mind. Nice sunny day and I happen to like beer.
So I’m sitting outside halfway through my pint and I see this girl walking towards the pub. It’s her.
I give a smile and a nod and she comes over, apologising for her lateness.
Like the gent I am, I ask if she fancies a drink.
She likes beer too as it happens.

We end up having about four pints each. Well....... I did..... she had two.
Then we walked up the street to her top floor flat.
Bottle of red was opened and we sat chatting. Until the bottle emptied and she had no problems about leaving me alone in her place while she went off to buy some more. I offered to pay but she insisted.,....... I don’t insist 😂

While she’s away I go to look out the window into the garden below and there’s a couple enjoying the sun on this small patio.
It’s a hot day and  open the old style sash window a bit more, pulling it upwards.
There’s this bloody big plastic bottle of what turns out to be hair conditioner keeping the window open. It falls out the window onto the patio below (three floors) breaking open and splattering this couple in cream.
Like an idiot I’m looking down at them looking up.
“Sorry” I says.

Anyways. SP returns. I explain. She’s just laughing.
Strangest punt ever really.
We did get round to trying to shag but it wasn’t happening. But still enjoyed the sucking and licking...... and the wine.

I did see her again a few weeks after and we did meet at the pub again. Albeit just for one this time.
As for the couple downstairs.
I never saw them again but I did hear their hair never looked more lovely 😂

[Archfile]

    Years ago I used to see regularly a Jamaican beauty Shirley. She loved doggy and I was pounding away, doing my best to finish.

    All of a sudden there was a loud bang, Jesus what was that, then Shirley turned round and with a big smile on her face said that the

    condom had exploded inside her !

    Her smile turned into a grin and she started laughing as did I. Our laughter increased until we'd got tears running down our cheeks.

    I was still buried in her but we fell on the bed roaring with laughter.

    I've never laughed so much in my life, before or since.

    I doubt that a week goes by that I don't think about Shirley - a wonderful fun woman