Author Topic: The joke thread (Read 149238 times)

David1970 · « **Reply #1950 on:** May 30, 2023, 08:35:21 am »

Quote from: Steve2 on May 30, 2023, 05:26:09 am

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Sorry but don’t get it?

billybobsmith · « **Reply #1951 on:** May 30, 2023, 08:55:55 am »

Quote from: David1970 on May 30, 2023, 08:35:21 am

Sorry but don’t get it?

Some "asylum seeker" illegally pops to the UK on a boat across the English Channel, gets picked up by the Navy or Coastguard, given a pat on the back and gets housed for free in hotels etc. whereas we have to pay £££ for the same place (or possibly ££ if you book indirectly as per Trivago's tv adverts).

(One Holiday Inn I sometimes stay at for work has now closed to the public so it can house asylum seekers for the next year or so).

Waterhouse · « **Reply #1952 on:** May 30, 2023, 12:10:52 pm »

Quote from: myothernameis on May 30, 2023, 08:22:48 am

Holly calls out Phil over recent issues

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Brilliant.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1953 on:** May 30, 2023, 04:58:43 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1954 on:** May 31, 2023, 05:44:05 pm »

Hasn’t taken Philip Schofield long. No sooner has he left ITV he will now be appearing on Dave. Dave is 16 and currently taking his GCSEs.

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #1955 on:** May 31, 2023, 06:13:38 pm »

A woman is walking through the woods one day when she sees a fluffy white bunny covered in shit run across the path in front of her. She manages to catch the rabbit and reaches into her handbag for some kleenex and wipes the shit off the rabbit and let's it go.
A bit further up the path she sees another fluffy white bunny rabbit covered in shit so she manages to catch it and again with her kleenex wipes the shit off it and let's it go. This happens again a bit further up the path, another fluffy white bunny rabbit covered in shit so again she catches it and cleans the shit off it and let's it go. She continues to walk up the path and then she hears a mans voice from behind the bushes " lady do you have anymore kleenex tissues in your bag" "No" replies the woman, "Damn" says the voice in the bushes "I guess I'll just have to use another rabbit "

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1956 on:** May 31, 2023, 06:51:42 pm »

I’m dating a bin lady at the moment but I can never remember if I’m supposed to take her out on a Monday or a Wednesday.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1957 on:** June 01, 2023, 05:27:10 pm »

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DastardlyDick · « **Reply #1958 on:** June 03, 2023, 11:11:36 am »

Quote from: Waterhouse on May 30, 2023, 12:10:52 pm

Brilliant.

And probably not a million miles from the truth either!

Xtro · « **Reply #1959 on:** June 03, 2023, 07:17:39 pm »

I've just text Phillip Schofield to see if he wants to buy my car.
It's 15 years old and a good runner.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1960 on:** June 04, 2023, 02:16:57 pm »

"I've been sacked mum. Can I move back into my old room?"

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mr.bluesky · « **Reply #1961 on:** June 04, 2023, 03:12:30 pm »

Phillip Schofield 's favourite football team

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1962 on:** June 06, 2023, 02:06:19 pm »

My Doctor has diagnosed me with low blood pressure. He’s given me a prescription for 2 Ikea self assembly wardrobes .

Xtro · « **Reply #1963 on:** June 06, 2023, 04:50:42 pm »

The waiter said, ‘Your table will be ready shortly.‘
This is the last time I’ll be coming to Ikea’s restaurant!”

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1964 on:** June 09, 2023, 08:09:42 pm »

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webpunter · « **Reply #1965 on:** June 10, 2023, 02:27:13 am »

Quote from: myothernameis on May 30, 2023, 08:22:48 am

Holly calls out Phil over recent issues

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The next link on YT
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Katie Hopkins [sitting on the fence as always

IMO she's ace] balances things up with PS playing the victim role
Surprised that the "young man's" name is referenced on the HW mock up

badsin · « **Reply #1966 on:** June 10, 2023, 10:24:10 am »

Wrong thread

Xtro · « **Reply #1967 on:** June 10, 2023, 11:43:52 am »

I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.....
.... It's great, they send me new matches every day.

Landscape · « **Reply #1968 on:** June 10, 2023, 09:54:51 pm »

After resigning, Boris Johnson has said that's he's looking forward to resuming his role in the advert for Sugar Puffs.

Corus Boy · « **Reply #1969 on:** June 11, 2023, 05:38:07 pm »

When I was younger a derogatory remark often bandied about was, "She's got a face like the back of a bus!"

Would the modern equivalent be;

"She's got the face like...

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...the back of a smart phone?"

ik8133 · « **Reply #1970 on:** June 11, 2023, 08:01:30 pm »

I nearly got sacked on the first day as a roofer for mastrubating on the job, luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean!

Landscape · « **Reply #1971 on:** June 11, 2023, 11:13:42 pm »

My relationship recently ended and occasionally I have a wank over the ex.

She's a heavy sleeper and I have the keys to her flat.

badsin · « **Reply #1972 on:** June 12, 2023, 05:03:29 pm »

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myothernameis · « **Reply #1973 on:** June 13, 2023, 08:52:36 am »

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Marmalade · « **Reply #1974 on:** June 13, 2023, 11:15:48 pm »

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Marmalade · « **Reply #1975 on:** June 13, 2023, 11:20:08 pm »

Quote from: Corus Boy on June 11, 2023, 05:38:07 pm

When I was younger a derogatory remark often bandied about was, "She's got a face like the back of a bus!"

Would the modern equivalent be;

"She's got the face like...

...the back of a smart phone?"

She probably looks better from the back!!

But that reminds me… does anyone else, on seeing a nice backside, feel the urge to to see the front as you walk/drive past?

JontyR · « **Reply #1976 on:** June 13, 2023, 11:45:34 pm »

Quote from: Marmalade on June 13, 2023, 11:20:08 pm

But that reminds me… does anyone else, on seeing a nice backside, feel the urge to to see the front as you walk/drive past?

But it can lead to disappointments. Hence the urban slang terms, BOBFOC, Kronenbourg, Nana Kournikova, Golden Deceiver, Blonde Herring etc.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1977 on:** June 14, 2023, 12:14:54 am »

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Waterhouse · « **Reply #1978 on:** June 14, 2023, 12:21:08 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on June 14, 2023, 12:14:54 am

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Xtro · « **Reply #1979 on:** June 14, 2023, 01:27:14 am »

A female weightlifter goes to her doctor and tells him "doctor, I've been injecting steroids lately and I seem to have grown a cock"
The doctor replies "hmmm, anabolic?"
She says "no, just a cock"

Nadine Dorries: Sinister Forces kept me out of the House of Lords.
Interesting take...... Personally, I've never thought that everyone thinks I'm a cunt, was down to 'Sinister Forces'.

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #1980 on:** June 16, 2023, 09:03:12 am »

I have adopted a dog with no legs, I've named him Woodbine as I often take him out for a drag

Steely Dan · « **Reply #1981 on:** June 16, 2023, 09:52:38 am »

Silvio Berlusconi liked to tell a joke about pollsters asking Italian women if they would have sex with him: “30 per cent said yes and the other 70 per cent said, ‘What, again?’” he would say, with his trademark grin.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1982 on:** June 16, 2023, 10:28:41 am »

Bloke goes into the chemists and asks, "do you sell KY Jelly ?"
Girl says," no have you tried Boots?"
Bloke says," Boots?" I want to slide in, not fucking march in"

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1983 on:** June 17, 2023, 12:22:36 pm »

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Huge Ackman · « **Reply #1984 on:** June 18, 2023, 08:18:19 pm »

This street interview had me in stitches.

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RogerHealey · « **Reply #1985 on:** June 18, 2023, 10:45:51 pm »

An old Bernard Manning joke.....
Bloke having an eye test at an optician's

Optician : "You're going to have to stop wanking".

Bloke : " Why, will it make me go blind? "

Optician : No but you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room".

Corus Boy · « **Reply #1986 on:** June 19, 2023, 09:35:04 am »

Latest book sequel;

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
Book by John Gray

His latest release;

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, All Other Genders Are From Uranus.

Marmalade · « **Reply #1987 on:** June 22, 2023, 12:41:33 pm »

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But on a positive note, any poop at 5 degrees won’t stink as much.

Marmalade · « **Reply #1988 on:** June 22, 2023, 01:37:14 pm »

With the sinking of the Titan of course, jokes could hit a “new low”.

Xtro · « **Reply #1989 on:** June 22, 2023, 03:26:52 pm »

The Titan sub is like my cock! Can't get it up.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #1990 on:** June 23, 2023, 01:51:35 pm »

ABSOLUTELY FUMING!!! Just been asked by a group of kids outside the co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds. I agreed and got them a packet, handed them over and you should have seen the grief I got off them after it!! Told them next time you can get your own sausages!!!!!